19
Cassi
“Didn’t Xavier bring you a gift?” Dad asks as he’s cleaning up the living room.
We had a pretty tame Christmas compared to years past, but there were still plenty of presents. It was bittersweet. I could tell we were all missing Ryan, but we muscled through, creating new memories. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do for now.
“He did. I think I’ll open that one in my room though.”
Mom laughs. “Why don’t you go do that, honey? I’ll start with dinner.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
I give them each a hug, running up to my room.
I won’t lie. I wanted to open his gift first thing this morning, but I must be a masochist. I made myself stop. I made myself wait, knowing it would be hard to resist the urge to text him once I saw whatever gift he got me.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I hold the box in my lap. I start by carefully unwrapping the paper. A plain brown box greets me. Pulling the tape from the top, I slowly open the flaps.
Then I gaze inside.
My eyes burn with unshed tears as I take in the object.
I pull it out, no longer able to hold it in.
He’s perfect.
That’s all I can think as I stare at the piece of wood in my hands.
No, the tree.
That’s what it is. Xavier somehow was able to get the part of the tree that I showed him, which held mine and Ryan’s initials. Not only was he able to remove it without damaging it, he made it into something I could hang on the wall. The reminder of that memory that means so much to me.
The box falls to the floor as I hold it to my chest, hugging it as if I was hugging Ryan. I let the mixture of grief and relief fill my body.
I miss Ryan so much. This gift means more to me than anything anyone else could have gotten me. The only thing that could best it would be bringing Ryan back, which is impossible.
I rock back and forth until I’m able to calm down. As soon as I have a grip on my emotions, I move to grab my phone, but a card on the floor captures my attention.
I pick it up, seeing the nickname Xavier calls me across the front of the envelope.
Adra.
My heart hammers, not sure I’m ready to read his words, but knowing I have to. I cannot stop myself.
Adra,
I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing anymore, but I hope I am. I know how much this meant to you and Ryan. I know you were worried it would disappear one day. I wanted to take that anxiety away from you. I would do anything to keep you from feeling the pain of that loss again. I hope you look at this every day and remember that even if Ryan isn’t here with you physically, he will always be in your heart.
Love,
Avi
In that moment, I knew what I had to do.
I pick up the phone, dialing Xavier’s number.
When it goes straight to voicemail, I curse. Then I dial Jack.
“What’s up, Ace? Miss me yet?”
“Never, but I’m sure Rebecca might,” I tease.
“Wait. Does she really?”
I shake my head at his antics. “A best friend never tells. Anyway, I need to talk to Xavier, but his phone is off. Can you get him for me?”
“I would love to, but he’s not with me. He’s at Tinsley’s.”
My heart stops. Did he lie to me because he didn’t want to hurt me?
“He told me he was spending Christmas with you.” I frown. “Never mind, I don’t have her number. Fuck.”
“I have her number. Hold on. I’ll call you right back.”
I pace in my room, feeling an undeniable need to be with Xavier. I really want to see him, but talking to him will have to do until he comes back.
When my phone rings, I half expect it to be Xavier, ready to tell him how I feel, but it’s Jack.
“Jack?”
“He’s not there either. She said he told her he was staying with me too. I have no idea where he is. I’m getting in the truck now.”
“Shit. How far are you?”
“A couple hours at least.”
“Don’t head this way yet. I’m only thirty minutes from campus. I’ll go look around and see if I can figure out where he would go. At Thanksgiving, he was planning to stay in a hotel. I bet he did that.”
“Okay. You go look and I’ll call hotels.”
“Call me if you find anything.”
“You too.”
Xavier
Pounding on my door startles me awake. I stumble to the door, careful of my cast.
Fucking thing keeps getting in my way.
I open the door, expecting campus security, but find an angel on the other side.
“Adra, what are you doing here?”
“Me? What are you doing here? You said you were with Jack. You lied.” She smacks my chest.
“Ow. Still injured,” I say in jest. “Merry Christmas to you too.”
“Whatever. Were you sleeping? It’s noon.”
I shrug. “Didn’t sleep well. I didn’t have any big plans today.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had nowhere to go? My parents would have let you stay.”
“It’s not that I had nowhere to go. Jack would’ve let me go home with him. Tinsley begged me to come home to her. I didn’t feel like being around people.”
“Why? You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “I’ve been alone more Christmases than I can count. I’m okay. Really, Adra. You can go home and spend the day with your family.”
She sighs. “Avi.”
“It’s okay. I heard you loud and clear. I fucked up. I was up in my head and I messed it up. Jack warned me it had to be the right time for it to work with one of them girls. With the only girl.”
“I’m going to pretend I know what being one of them girls means and ignore the rest of that nonsense. I thought about what you said. It wasn’t all you. It was
