Daddy presses down harder on me, and I hold my breath, knowing this won’t be a lesson like the ones I learn in Kindergarten. More smoke hits my face, and I try so hard not to breathe in, but there’s a pain in my chest from holding it.
“Make one more sound, I fucking dare you.”
His hand presses down on my back so hard, there’s small cracking sounds. I feel heat by my shoulder right before something hot presses against my skin, burning me. I scream loud from the pain, but Daddy pushes down harder before removing it.
He sways on top of me, his words slower when he yells, “Did you not hear what I said, you little cunt?” He presses down in another spot, not far from where he burned me the first time. I think it’s his white sticks.
I can’t help the warm liquid that soaks the front of my pants.
What does he want from me?
I plead through my sobs, “Daddy! Please stop! It hurts!” My tears are drenching the couch, and I feel a hard thumping inside my chest.
He shouts back, “You’re pathetic!” He presses down again, and this time I hear a sizzling sound, then smell something odd, like when mommy straightens her hair. I scream again, begging him to stop, but he just continues more with each sound I make. Maybe he won’t lie this time and will stop if I shut up.
I need a hug. My teacher says that hugs can help us when we feel sad. Daddy presses his finger on the hurt area, and I cry out again. Why can’t I ever listen? I wish I could just stay quiet. Screaming never helps, anyway. Nothing ever helps. I’ll just let Daddy do what he wants to me.
I won’t scream again if that’s what it takes to make him go away and fall asleep already. Daddy burns me one last time, but I don’t move. I don’t even think it hurts anymore. I watch the static of the TV so long the zig-zags on the screen look like different shapes.
When Daddy finally gets up, I’m still, and he stands next to me as I zone out on the dancing screen. No pain, no sadness. He won. I’m no longer crying, and I’ll never cry again.
Daddy sits me up on the couch and points to the spot next to where I’m sitting. “You better clean this mess you made by the end of the day.” He picks up one of his cans and takes a long sip, then wipes his face off with his hand. “And while you’re at it, make these fucking floors spotless.”
As Daddy lifts me over his shoulder and carries me, I see nothing but the swirly designs of the hallway rug as we move. We turn into the bathroom, and I see his brown stained underwear lying on the floor. My back hits the shower wall, and I don’t even flinch when the ice cold water shoots down on me, wetting all my clothes.
I sit there, feeling nothing, and I don’t know why. I want to get up, but I can’t move. Daddy’s no longer on me. I don’t even think he’s in the bathroom anymore. I take some breaths, and my eyes close again, no longer hearing the water or the sounds from the vent above me.
I no longer hear my dad. I think I’m falling asleep.
As I think back to that day, I can almost smell the burnt skin around me.
I did to her what he did to me.
I sit here with my back leaned up against the bedroom wall. I repeatedly hit the back of my head onto the hard surface, trying to clear my head of this memory. My tears have soaked my t-shirt, and my eyes are swollen.
I love Jaxon with every piece of my broken soul, and he’s done so much for me the past few months. He made the life that I wanted to give up onone worth living. There’s nobody else in the world who’d ever have as much patience with me as he does.
I’ve fought him, I’ve hurt him, and I’ve given him nothing but trouble since the second we met. He’ll never admit this, but I know I’ve made his life more complicated than it would’ve been if he never met me.
Regardless, through all of our relationship turbulence, Jaxon has been my constant supporter.
He believes in me, he pushes me to be better, he loves me unconditionally. It isn’t fair for me to stay with him and deny him a future he could have with someone more stable or sane.
Even if it kills me to think of him with someone else, he deserves someone else.
Someone who can help him care for his daughter and be a great role model in her life. Not someone who can’t connect with her or even help with little things like a bath.
Emersyn deserves better than me.
If I haven’t gotten the hang of it by now, chances are I never will.
Staying with Jaxon will hold him back from finding true happiness. He may love me, but he doesn’t need me, not like I need him.
I told him I would stay as long as he still benefited from me somehow. Now it’s clear he doesn’t.
I don’t even benefit his daughter. I’ll spend the rest of my life running from my past, and he deserves to build his future with that amazing little girl. The amazing little girl I put in the hospital.
They’re both better off without me. Jaxon may not know it now, but eventually, he will. He’ll find a nice girl to help him raise a family. I know it can’t be me.
I have to go, for good this time. It’s going to kill me, maybe literally. But I’ll sleep better knowing I gave him his best chance at a normal life.
A happy life.
I rub my eyes and get up.
