Your old mother
10Loose Ends
Towards the end of 2008, as his health deteriorated, and later, after he had made the decision that he was applying for an assisted suicide with Dignitas, Craig began fastidiously tying up various loose ends, terminating his membership of the Humewood Golf Club and Virgin Active.
He also corresponded with a few close friends, like his music teacher, Dr Howard Nock, and family, including his cousin Quinton, his uncle Brian and aunt Lynette. Patsy also corresponded with her brother Brian about the decision Craig had taken. Below is a selection of these emails and letters.
From: Brian Gilbertson
To: Patsy Schonegevel
Sent: 04 May 2009 08:27 PM
My dearest Patsy
Your message fills me with such sadness and with the renewed awareness that we are all but straws before the storm that is Life. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you and Neville, and above all Craig, but there are none.
Every day I receive an emailed “word of the day” from some Internet source, seeking to improve my English vocabulary. I signed up for it in the dim and distant past and to be honest I rarely pay it attention, beyond a quick scan. Sunday’s word was “albatross”, and with uncanny timing it arrived but an hour or two before your email.
Apparently there are three meanings, as below. I suppose most of us could call up number one and three but it was number two in particular, the nuanced wording of that definition, which seemed to capture so well the awful burden that the three of you have borne for so many years now.
“Any of several large, web-footed sea birds of the family Diomedeidae that has the ability to remain aloft for long periods.”
“A seemingly inescapable moral or emotional burden, as of guilt or responsibility.”
“Something burdensome that impedes action or progress.”
I think you know how much we, Rensche and I, and indeed our two boys, admire – indeed we stand in deep awe of the manner in which you and Neville have carried this dreadful albatross of Craig’s NF; and notwithstanding that, what a fine young man you raised and he became; and the courage and dignity with which he has borne himself throughout his long suffering.
You ask what I would say to my child in a similar situation. I simply do not know. A parent’s bonds of love and emotion must cloud, obscure, all reason. But at my great distance, I would say that Craig is now a grown man, capable of independent and rational judgment. No one knows better than he what he has been through, and must still face every day. I am sure he has agonised over this, in all senses of that word. No matter how hard and awful it is, I would try to respect his decision, and give him the love and support that he will so desperately need if he sets off down this lonely road.
I wish I could end with something comforting and uplifting, but words fail me. The few lines below have long been special to me, and will say some of the things I cannot; indeed, I am unable to read them aloud without a break in my voice and a tear in my eye.
“Remember” – Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann’d:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
May all three of you find the strength you will need in the time ahead. It goes without saying: If there is anything that I can do, you need but ask.
With love
B
From: Craig Schonegevel
To: Brian Gilbertson
Sent: Tuesday, 5 May 2009 9.35 AM
Subject: What I want both of you to know
Uncle Brian and Aunt Rensche
I have so much love in my heart for the two of you, words could do no justice. Uncle Brian, when you speak to me, the few words that you say mean so much to me. If only people thought before they spoke. Aunt Rensche, in my opinion we have moved closer the last while by our conversations. You are a wonderful and beautiful woman and I can honestly say my favourite aunt.
All my Love
C
From: Brian Gilbertson
To: Craig Schonegevel
Sent: Wednesday, 6 May 2009 11.46 PM
Subject: What I want both of you to know
Dear Craig
Thank you so much for your email. How well and movingly you write. You should have tried a short story or two, or kept a serious diary. I sometimes wish I had done those!
Now I want YOU to know YOU have influenced and enriched the lives of others in many ways, over many years. Do you remember your extensive advice to me when I wanted to buy a rowing machine a long time ago?
And your detailed instructions on how to use it correctly? And the “bicycle crunches” that you made me do to strengthen my “core” muscles? I heeded you, and am much better for doing so; but if only I had followed your advice more intensely and consistently than I did, I might today have had a physique approaching yours!
And then your swimming initiative was amazing to me; I have always wanted to swim well, and I even had a coach for a while when I lived in Melbourne, for
