There was no system to hold us, to take control. All of us would have our own little dramas but we never once sat down together and talked.
I couldn’t speak to David any more at home. None of us really knew how to deal with it except for taking one day at a time. We had no perspective. Nobody questioned an alternative method.
And then the terrible news. Dignitas did not give Craig the go-ahead. He phoned me and said he had a Plan B and that he would have to do it himself and that if Dignitas were not going to do it he would find a way that was non-violent.
He said he would find another way, but he couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to implicate anyone.
I asked him if I would know when and he said I’d know intuitively and that he wouldn’t have to tell me.
And I was sitting in Bloemfontein with my children when I got an SMS from Craig saying we needed to meet because “time is running out”.
I told him I was going back to PE the next day, a Thursday. He made his first attempt that Friday night. On the Saturday morning Neville phoned me to say Craig tried to commit suicide the night before but that he had survived.
I dropped everything and rushed out there. He was back home after spending time in an emergency medical facility. I lay with him on the bed and he began to come round. He was a bit delirious but he was clearly furious.
He believed he couldn’t even kill himself properly. He could not believe he was still alive. He had worked out how to do it. He had saved his daily sleeping tablets, so that when he finally had enough of them, he did it. And he lived. He was just so fit.
The whole household was traumatised. Nana was there and Patsy would hover around. We didn’t know whether there was any other damage caused by the overdose.
The next day he was up again. Back on the Internet trying to get the book The Final Exit, which is a sort of suicide manual.
Once he had found a way, the manner, which was his answer, he never spoke to me about it. He might have spoken to other people but I had no idea.
The whole mood changed in the house. Changed more into acceptance and perhaps relief that he didn’t die and anger that they, we, had to go through it again.
In the last week things changed. He cut me off. I think he needed to preserve all his energy for the last lap.
The jury is still out in my head about whether he did the right thing. When I see Patsy and how she is grieving. He knew his mother’s love for him. I see her sorrow. I am not blaming him.
And I look at the aftermath three years later and I know in his own heart he did the right thing for himself. I don’t think a future like that was ever going to be feasible for him.
I feel privileged having been involved in a unique story of struggle. Ultimately it was a good experience for me and has changed my viewpoint on many things.
One thing you can’t do is judge. You have no right.
Would I take it on again knowing what I know now?
Absolutely.
13Not Quite Yet
Sandy had asked Neville in an email to recount events surrounding Craig’s first attempt at taking his life on 14 August 2009. This was his reply.
I WOKE UP AT ABOUT 5:30AM thinking that I had heard a noise from Craig’s room. I opened his door and found his limp body pinned between his bed and the bedside pedestal.
Was he alive? Was he injured? I pulled him onto his bed and I could see there was life.
“Craig, are you okay? Craig, Craig!” And then he slurred, “Forty-nine were not enough.” This is not what he wanted! This was not what I wanted!
After many months of grappling with Craig’s wish to end his life, I had conveyed my support to him and now he had been unsuccessful. I wondered what physical and emotional damage he had done to himself. How was he going to cope? How was his mother going to cope?
I felt no real urgency. After all, Craig had wished to end his life; a decision he had not taken lightly.
I called Patsy from our bedroom and phoned George Irvine. Who else would I turn to under these circumstances?
But what now? Was it defeat or fortune or misfortune? Had he been cheated? He had fought so bravely for so long and with such commitment. And now this attempt had failed.
Patsy was deeply shocked by what had happened and by the condition Craig was in. Instinctively I knew that his life was not in danger for the moment – 49 pills were not enough. I knew also that it was only a matter of time before he would succeed.
I remember wondering if Patsy would survive all the heartache and stress that goes with the destruction of an inseparable relationship between mother and son.
George arrived quickly and with him he brought calmness and love. Craig was not fully conscious as we carried him to the car. This was a short journey to a medical facility, unlike the very different journeys Patsy, George, Sandy and I had each walked with Craig and indeed he walked with us.
The doctor on duty was outstanding. He was non-judgmental and caring. After he was stabilised, Craig came home again.
14Craig: In His Own Words
During the four months that Sandy spent interviewing and photographing Craig, she often emailed Craig lists of questions or thoughts that came to mind. The following is a selection from their correspondence.
From: Sandy
