Last night I had a horrid nightmare. John and I were being cut, cut, and crying while the horrid nurse shouted at us.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009 7:27 PM
The exceptional choice of language used by Craig in this email, 13 days before his death and four days after his unsuccessful attempt, are a clear sign of the extreme anger and frustration he was experiencing towards both NF1 and Dignitas. Every day, every hour he would check the computer to see if Dignitas had an answer for him. He could not understand that Dignitas, of all organisations, could put him through such agony. His frustration at Neurofibromatosis eating away at him also just seemed to grow.
I am so f-ing angry with this disease.
Nobody should have to endure this disease if they are affected to the extent I am or even worse.
I have just found more fibromas. There were already three pea-sized ones on my hands near my fingers, so today I find some on the palm of my hand.
They are not just “on-the-surface” like some NF1 sufferers get, but entangled in nerves, the hard type. God, I just can’t keep up and in future still more growths like this.
I will not, I cannot accept this! In some cases this condition should be seen as terminal by the medical fraternity in which case the sufferers should have access to morphine in order to terminate their lives.
My deep desire for the badly affected ones I leave behind is that they don’t have to suffer in this undignified way; my heart will be crying for them when I am in “paradise”. I don’t want them to have to go through the anguish of having to find a “way” as I am doing.
Plan A (Dignitas) is the preferred way, and I am only giving them a very short while, Plan B (overdose of Dormonoct – 49 tablets) did not work, I have a Plan C firmly in place, I have given it my own name, I am calling it “Plan Pravda”*
Pravda, Pravda, Pravda, Pravda, Pravda, Freedom, Freedom, I will fight on for my Pravda!
Wednesday, 19 August 2009 8:05 AM
I am a peace warrior, I am fighting hard, I am working hard at my Plan C. Plan A is still best but it seems so… I deserve PEACE and I will not let go until I can fall slowly, softly, peacefully into “sleep”.
When my dad affectionately stroked the bottom of my left foot yesterday morning and I did not feel it, he said, “Was that not ticklish?” (It’s kind of like when a GP tests your reflexes and strokes the bottom of your foot with an “implement”.)
My dad said he wondered if this had anything to do with the removal of the saphenous vein from my left leg when I was at Great Ormond Street for my second operation. I have always noticed that my left foot/leg has a bit of a different gait.
I found three new fibromas in the fulcrum of my arm this morning (the crux area on the side of elbow). I showed them to my dad and he said this will probably make it difficult to draw blood; my dad never speaks “junk” and knows that it is an issue.
My dad also said this morning that society has it all wrong. How astute! I cannot even be granted my peace when I am in a terminal state for the rest of my life.
Thursday, 27 August 2009 8:04 AM
It has now been confirmed that 30 Dormonoct should have done the job, I took 49, story of my life…
When I was born in 1980, my parents had just moved from Johannesburg to Port Elizabeth. With them they brought their dog, a Doberman named Vodka. He was such a gentle dog to me as a baby. Little did I know that my last days would also be spent having a favourite drink on each day which is Vodka based. Here’s to the Moscow Mule.
This morning my fingers are getting the pins and needles sensation again, and then it switches to intense pain in the upper arm. Last night, or yesterday I should say, I had four packets of the laxative, Movicol, as I know my body, and all the indications that a narrowing is getting narrower. I won’t be crude and mention in words all the indications I have picked up.
I am getting very weary now. I will implement Plan C (Plan Pravda) in the not-too-distant future.*
Saturday, 29 August 2009 5:08 PM
How is this – after what Dignitas said yesterday – and further research shows Plan C must be changed, as I cannot risk another failure. Despite the assurance of a lot of info, Plan C will only cause me future suffering, so Plan C must be altered; my God, where is the grace?
Now even when I go to pee I bump my fingers on a tangled-up fibroma, and being on liquids for so long has lead to another haemorrhoid, a bad haemorrhoid!
For F*^*^g hell, where is the grace for this little abused boy who wants to just go to sleep, that is his only wish?
From: Sandy Coffey
To: Craig Schonegevel
Sent: Monday, 31 August 2009 6:19 AM
Subject: today
Hi Craig, got all your messages – being stuck out in the bush with very limited reception is terrible. I felt very far away from you. I also got your message about not wanting to see anyone today, and I completely respect that. If you change your mind, I can and will be there – you know that I am with you in spirit and love and light.
Sandy
x
From: Craig Schonegevel
To: Sandy Coffey
Sent: Monday, 31 August 2009 8:01 AM
Subject: Re: today
I am going to write a thought of the day
