Bullies haunted Craig throughout his life. Bullying destroys a child’s self-esteem and we have learned it is vitally important to deal with it immediately where and when it occurs.
Dealing with Craig’s various health complications over the years taught me to not simply accept the opinion of “professionals” like medical specialists, general practitioners or hospital and nursing staff and to question if needs be.
We are all fallible and, when in doubt, do not be afraid to ask questions, trust your own instinct and speak out.
One of the most difficult things to accept as a parent is that when a child grows up and becomes an adult, he or she has the right to make their own choices, even if these break your heart.
All you can do is respect and offer support and not try to control your child no matter how tempting it might be to do so.
I have also learned that life is essentially unfair. We need only look around us to see evidence of this – poverty, hunger and war. Sometimes it is of no use to ask why or to expect answers.
We need to accept the hand we have been dealt in life and handle it to the best of our ability. This does not mean we must be passive spectators but we need to know that sometimes life does not provide us with the outcome we had wished for.
The raw and searing pain I felt after Craig’s death was made bearable only through the love and support offered by family and friends. I am deeply grateful to all those who tried at various times to lighten the load for us over the years, whether through prayer or practical interventions like bringing food or moving in with us.
The network of support for those who are dealing with either their own illness or that of a loved one is one of the truest, most comforting and sustaining acts of love and friendship.
I am grateful to my faith and my belief in God. I felt that this held and carried me, particularly during the last six months of Craig’s life when I felt God’s presence constantly. There were times when we were all just so exhausted when He picked me up each day and enabled me to look after Craig.
After Craig’s death I needed to deal with the grief. None of us has any real idea of how this will manifest and each of us deals with it differently.
Grief follows like a shadow. It is with you wherever you go and can overcome you unexpectedly. A song, the appearance of a dog or a glimpse of someone who might look like your departed loved one can trigger it. I believe you do not have to ever apologise for your grief and that you need to let it manifest itself.
Bearing grief on your own can be an isolating experience and I have learned that it is important to deal with grief, either through professional counselling or by joining a group of fellow grievers.
While there are several studies that suggest there are stages to grief, I believe you should allow yourself as much time as YOU need. Your body will let you know. Grief is a process with often two steps forward and three steps back. I have no idea how long I will grieve for Craig.
Three and a half years later and I still cannot believe he is not here and that I will never see, hold or talk to him again. But I need to carry on. I force myself to get up three mornings a week to go to gym. But if I feel like staying in bed later on the other two mornings, I do so. Sleep too has been a great healing force for me.
The death of a child often results in a secondary trauma to parents and statistics for shattered marriages after the death of a child are high. Neville and I, while we grieve differently, have been very aware of this and have sought help while grieving.
I have learned that women and men often grieve differently and that one should accept and understand what your partner needs.
There are people who feel they need to experience the depths of their pain but I have found that sometimes it is too onerous a burden and that medication can help you to experience your pain and not be completely debilitated by it.
One way I deal with the loss is to revisit places that Craig and I loved or to perform daily rituals in remembrance of him. For instance, I often walk along the Pier in Port Elizabeth where we scattered Craig’s ashes and I toss a rose into the sea in memory of him.
I also talk to him often during the day or kiss his photo. Every night, I light a candle in Craig’s honour and memory. I view him now as my guardian angel who is always present, perhaps sitting on my shoulder, looking out for me.
Craig’s life and death have prompted us to think about our own mortality. While it is often difficult to do so, don’t put off thinking about it. Draw up a Living Will or join Dignity SA, if you believe in the cause.
This book was one of Craig’s wishes and the process of it has helped us to further find closure and meaning in his death.
Neville
My earliest recollections of loss followed by sadness or grief go back to when I was approximately five and growing up on the farm. There are two specific incidents that I
