I let out a sigh, fidgeting with my bangs.
“I’ve fucked up. I know I’ve been a bad SWS member and I’m really sorry. But we need to help Kim,” I said. “I’m not here because of me.”
They seemed to accept this before looking back at their phones. Kim had sent a text to the SWS group chat. It was a picture of a pill that was definitely not a placebo or an herbal supplement.
“I’m googling,” Suzie said from the corner scrolling on her phone furiously.
“I knew it was a bad idea when she agreed to do this tour with Roddy. She never seemed excited,” Gretchen said.
“That Instagram account is like watching a stranger. That’s nobody we know,” I said. My words weren’t an outright agreement with Gretchen but hopefully she’d take it as a small white flag. Recently she’d accepted to go on tour playing her cello with her sort of ex-boyfriend, now business manager, Roderick Chagny. None of us had a good feeling about him but wanted her to be happy.
Gretchen looked up at me and nodded. “I didn’t know you were paying attention.”
“I was upset and needed space. I didn’t stop being a friend,” I said.
Gretchen raised her eyebrow in disagreement.
“Blithe texted about the drug too,” Suzie said, reading her phone. I wanted to ask where she was, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to.
I’d forgotten my phone at home, I’d left so fast. “Tell Kim to ‘stay the fuck away from those pills!’” I said.
Gretchen, who’d been texting furiously, nodded and I heard the swoop of another text being sent.
“She’s not responding.” Suzie chewed her lip.
I glanced at the microwave clock in the kitchen. “She’s probably on stage.”
“You don’t just text someone something like that and go MIA,” Suzie said.
“Just like you don’t fall off the map and stop seeing your friends,” Gretchen said with no shortage of salt.
Okay, so we were doing this now.
“I need to go lock up the studio. I’ll be right back,” Suzie said before leaving Gretchen and me to a long overdue “come to Jesus” chat.
Sitting at the kitchen counter alone with Gretch’s animosity, I was more nervous than I thought I would be. I had so much anger for so long about the night at the drive-in and then after everything with Sanders it all morphed into regret. But pride was a dangerous thing and I wasn’t the only one who needed to apologize.
“You can’t just stop talking to people. That’s not okay,” Gretchen finally said.
“I needed time to think. I’m not like you. You refuse to understand that people handle things differently,” I snapped, her words putting me on the defensive.
“That’s not true.” Her arms were tight around her crop top.
“It is.”
“Then why are you here? If I’m such a terrible friend, why not just stay away?” Red traveled up her neck.
“Gretch. You’re not a terrible friend. That’s not what I’m saying … I didn’t mean to start on this foot. With us both getting worked up,” I said.
She threw out her arms but I could see through her bluster. Her hands shook and it cracked my proud shell. “We’ve been friends for most of our lives. When you shut me out, it felt like my family abandoned me,” she admitted.
That cut me to the quick. I knew some of Gretchen’s pain. I knew what it must have cost her to admit that. “I know. I’m sorry. I felt bombarded. I was so mad at you and confused about what I wanted,” I explained.
She sighed. “We probably both could have talked more that night. When I care about someone, I know that I can be a little …”
“Controlling,” I finished.
“I was going to say overly concerned. But I’ve missed you, Roxy. I have wanted to call you a hundred times.”
We couldn’t quite look at each other, the stubborn-ass women that we were. “I’ve missed you too. You’ve always been there for me over the years.”
“You have too. Even if you don’t admit it,” she said.
I shrugged. “You’re a great friend. I’m just asking you to understand that people need to do things their own way sometimes.”
“I just know what’s best,” she said, her voice high and innocent.
“Gretch.” I looked at her.
“I was right though, wasn’t I? You and Sanders clearly had a connection.”
I sighed. “You’re missing the point.”
She straightened her spine and then relaxed. “Do you really think I’m so nosey because I don’t want to deal with my own shit?”
“Sometimes,” I said honestly. “But I know you’re also one of the most caring, fiercest, loyal, and loving women there is. I’m honored to be a person that you give all that to. You’d do anything for the people you care about.”
She didn’t say anything but her chin wobbled.
“The crazy part is, I’d been doing all this for you,” I said.
“What do you mean?” she frowned.
“I’ve worked so hard to show you that I was worth saving.”
“Worth saving? What’re you talking about?”
I gave her a look. It was the night we never talked about.
Realization set in and her mouth fell open before she said, “You saved my life that night at the Dragon Bar. I was set on murder.” She sounded genuinely baffled. “You got me out of there.” Her words were high and tight.
“You got me out,” I said, shaking my head, disbelieving her point of view on that night.
“We saved each other,” she said with a firm nod.
She was right. I’d spent so long feeling like a burden but the saving went both ways. The truth settled in and made me feel warm and valued. I let out a breath and nodded in return. “You’re right. We did.”
“But listen, that doesn’t mean that you have to be somebody you aren’t. It doesn’t mean that you constantly have to prove yourself worthy of love. You exist and therefore are worthy of being loved.”
“Sanders said something along those lines.” My heart squeezed in my chest thinking of him. Two of the most important people in
