“Okay, Bert be back soon.” Bert summoned his dirt mittens, and began pushing the rock through the labyrinth. Since he’d seen it from above he knew the proper route, but it still took a very long time to push the stone all the way back to the Eye of Soreness.
The eye had leaned down as far as it could, and peered at Bert as he pushed the rock down the stairs. “What an interesting magic rock. It’s not from our world. I’d know. I’ve forged all sorts of artifacts. I have never seen anything like this, and I’ve seen everything. You were right to hide it here.”
“Yup.” Bert pushed the rock into a corner next to the stairs. “Bert will put roof on maze first, then will hide rock better. You said monsters come for jobs?”
“Yes, but first we’ll be meeting with your fellow dark lords. I’ve invited several. I hope that’s okay. They’ll be here tomorrow.”
Bert hopped up and down. He loved parties and meeting new people. Tomorrow would be a magnificent day!
“Ah…dark lord?” The eye’s voice dropped to a near whisper. “May, I, ah, ask a rather impertinent question?”
“Sure.” Bert rubbed his hands and the dirt mittens fell away into a pile of pebbles. “How Bert help?”
“Well, I’m seeking a potent relic.” The eye shifted uncomfortably—well, as uncomfortably as an eye could. “The Drops of Relief. I’ve been hunting for ages, ever since the OLP set me on fire.”
“Bert sorry.” Bert’s shoulders slumped. “Bert never heard of drops. What drops do?”
“They provide immediate soothing relief for dry and itchy eyes.” The Eye of Soreness blinked. “Most importantly they relieve burning.”
“Oh, well that no problem.” Bert waggled his fingers and toes, then used his dark lord trope to peer beyond reality at the eye’s character sheet.
He was mildly alarmed to see that the eye was lawful evil, but he’d seemed like an all right guy so far. Bert examined the conditions, and found several. Dry Eyes, Redness, Burning, and Irritation. Bert removed them all.
The fire wreathing the eye winked out, and the yellowy film faded, and a much more normal, feline eye stared down at him. “Oh, thank you…you have no idea how many millennia I’ve been trying to do that for. I am incredibly grateful.”
“Is okay.” Bert hopped back to his feet and turned to the steps. “Bert going to go get some rest. Then Bert get ready for party!”
He gave the eye a wave, and darted off into the maze to build himself a warren.
18
Dungeon Warming Party
By the time the guests began to arrive, Bert had decorated the area around the lava pit with bright streamers he’d had stowed in his pack. A wise goblin always carried extra party streamers. Most of his party supplies were on the wagon, unfortunately, but he’d done his best with what little bit he’d had.
The balance of Bert’s time had gone to using magic to make a roof for the maze. Since he’d figured out he could make dirt mittens it hadn’t been much of a stretch to stone roofs. Bert had cheated and made the spells permanent, and within a few hours he’d covered the entire maze.
Now that the hard work had been done Bert could spend his evening socializing with other dark lords. He’d never met another dark lord, not really. White hadn’t counted, and the Kount had died before Bert could really say hello.
He waited nervously next to the punch bowl, and tried not to dwell on the fact that all the ice had already melted. Perhaps putting it near the cliff hadn’t been wise. Perhaps he could use a spell to make it cold.
“Oh! A guest.” The eye leaned down from the volcano. “Bert, I want you to meet Palpie. Palpie and I go way back.”
A cackling old man shrouded in robes zoomed down into view through the volcano. His chair had all sorts of whirring gizmos and gadgets, and a bumper sticker over his butt that read “that’s no moon.”
Palpie’s cackling stopped, and he zoomed up to Bert. “I sense much potential in you. We shall follow your career with great interest.”
“Oh, good.” Bert gave the nice old man a grin. “Bert want to learn magic. Can teach Bert?”
“Of course, my young apprentice.” The chair zoomed closer, and Palpie delivered a predatory smile.
“Hands off!” The Eye of Soreness leaned closer until it was directly over Bert. “This one is mine. Get your own protégé.”
“Fine.” Palpie waved magnanimously. “In any case, I’ve brought a gift.”
Droids began flying down the volcano, their sleek black forms zipping into the room where they could begin erecting some sort of strange device. Bert couldn’t even begin to understand what the fabulous blinking lights might do.
“This is a technobabbicus.” He waved at the device the droids had assembled. “It is designed to fill plot holes with semi-plausible-poorly-written narrative paste. I use it all the time.”
“Not another word, Palpie!” A high pitched shout came from above, and sounded like it had been echoed over a megaphone.
The outraged voice was drowned out by the sound of helicopters, and several large black machines descended into view. The lead helicopter set down at the edge of the stairs, and a Bert-sized figure leapt out.
At first Bert was excited! Someone else his size. The figure was a mouse, but stood like a human, with sunglasses and a snappy business suit. “Palpie, were you just giving away intellectual secrets?” The mouse seemed particularly annoyed.
“I was just—”
“You were nothing.” The mouse stalked over, and stabbed a finger up at the old man. “Nothing when we found you. You’d been written out, but we brought you back, just like I promised. Now dance! Dance, monkey!”
Several other figures disembarked from the helicopters, which began to rise out of view. Bert sized up the trio
