The one on the far right was a man with long dark hair in a t-shirt that read ‘Trick or Treat.’ Fortunately he wore a name tag, which Bert could now read. ‘Loki. Property of Big D.’
Next to Loki stood an interesting fellow. He had blue skin, and the biggest muscles Bert had ever laid eyes on. He must spend every day at the gym. His name tag read Thonas, and also said ‘Property of Big D.’ Thonas had a strange gauntlet on one hand with five glowing stones set into the knuckles. Quite pretty, and Bert made a note to ask about the device as soon as he could find a polite way.
The final figure wore fine silks and bore a long thin mustache, with a magnificent black hat. His tag read Royal Vizeer Jaraf, and also had a ‘Property of Big D.’ Jaraf had a parrot on his shoulder! The bird was a wonderful shade of green, though it had pooped a less wonderful green onto Jaraf’s shoulder.
“All right, everyone present your approved gifts. Let’s get this over with.” The mouse paced back and forth, and shadowed the dark lords like a dog watching over sheep. Or a Boberton over a Bert.
“Thanks for inviting us. I don’t really get invited to many parties.” The one named Thonas gave a desultory wave. “So these are finity rocks. I guess you can have one, if you want.”
“No, that’s okay.” Bert raised a hand to forestall the man. “Bert already have too many magic rocks. In fact…Thonas want more rocks? Bert have extra.”
Perhaps this man would take the stone far away from Bert’s kingdom. Then he could go back to decorating, which was much more fun.
“No trades! Now go wait for pickup.” The mouse kicked Thonas in the shin, and the dark lord slunk back over to where the helicopters had dropped them off. “Jaraf, you’re up.”
The man with the parrot and the thin black mustache stepped up and gave Bert a low bow. When he spoke it was in an oily voice that Bert didn’t much like. Maybe that was because of the perpetual scowl, though the strange staff with the cobra head scared Bert a little. “I can see that you are a diamond in the rough, my young friend.” He leaned in closer, and whispered desperately, out of the corner of his mouth, “Help us. We’re trapped.”
“Shut up, Jaraf.” The mouse stalked over, and stomped on the vizier’s foot. “Can you not see the size of my ears? You think I can’t hear you trying to escape? We own you. There is no escape. We’ll just keep pushing the copyright, and pushing the copyright, until we own every folktale, myth, and franchise. Dance! Dance, monkey!”
The vizier heaved a put upon sigh and began a slow shuffling dance. The mouse thrust a finger at the area where Thonas already waited, and the vizier moved to join him.
“Let’s get this over with, Loki.” The mouse glared over the rim of its sunglasses at the final god, who’d neither moved nor spoken since his arrival. He wore an odd smile, and kept nodding as if agreeing with someone who wasn’t talking. “Oh…God damn it. Not again.” The mouse reached for a walkie talkie. “We’ve got a runner. Loki used an illusion again. I want that asset back in containment immediately!”
Bert was about to offer the mouse a cup of his punch, which was admittedly rather warm, but before he could, the helicopters swept back into view, and the dark lords were hustled aboard. Then the helicopters roared out of sight, and Bert was left alone with the Eye of Soreness. He tried to think of something polite to break the awkwardness.
The party had been so brief.
“Bert really like eye’s friends,” he ventured. “Seemed, ah, nice.”
“I’m terribly sorry about all that.” The eye glanced sheepishly away, down at the lava. “Things have changed a lot over the last few decades. We used to all be independent properties, you see, but then the mouse started gobbling up my friends. I’m worried they have their eye on me next.”
“Bert hope not.” He poured some punch and sipped it. It tasted of grapes! And sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. “Mouse not very nice.”
“It’s just as well.” The eye heaved a sigh, which seemed an odd thing for an eye to do. “You should probably get some rest. I have quite a few interviews lined up for tomorrow.”
Bert sipped his punch. The sudden end to the party was disappointing, but he focused on the positives. There were bound to be all sorts of fun new friends he could meet tomorrow.
Then Bert choked on his punch. How was he going to pay the monsters? They’d need some sort of treasure, wouldn’t they? He peered up at the eye, who’d been so nice to him. He didn’t want to make even more demands. Not tonight.
He would worry about how to pay the monsters in the morning. Bert tried not to think about it. Responsibility gave him hiccups.
19
Monster Interviews
The following morning Bert headed outside the labyrinth and set up a nice stone slab atop two rocks to make a sort of desk, then used his pack as a seat. He laboriously wrote out a sign that said “line begins here” and then sat down at the desk to wait for applicants to show up.
Before the sun had crested the Moist Mountains, monsters had begun creeping into view. The first were, oddly enough, a flock of seagulls. Menacing seagulls. The scary birds zoomed up to the table, and landed all in a flock.
Each bird was a ghostly white, and the lead one wore a black crown. A cloud of spectral energy surrounded the bird, who stepped up to the table as if he were the one conducting the interview. “We are the Gulls of Naz, and we number nine in total. Our
