Bert sized up the gold bracelet around the bird’s ankle, and gave an approving nod since the bird seemed to be fishing for praise. “Bert very impressed. What can Naz Gulls do? Can breathe fire, or touch people and make them dead?”
The bird extended both wings and began an annoying cawing that made Bert want to smack it. It finally ceased, what felt like hours later, when it seemed to realize Bert was not impressed. The bird began a desperate rush of words. “The Naz Gulls are nearly invincible. Not by the hand of men shall we fall! That’s a real prophecy. We even got it certified. Statistically most adventurers are male, easily fifty-five percent. So most things can’t hurt us. Pleeeaaaase hire us.”
Bert again wondered how he would pay these monsters. The honorable thing would be to tell them he had no money, but Bert decided to take a risk. He would hire these Gulls, and then hope he could find some gold to pay them with.
“Okay, birds hired. Go find spot in maze.” Bert waved at the mouth of the cavern.
The birds began the annoying sound once more, which had grown much worse with all of them adding to the din. Thankfully they rushed inside the mountain, but Bert still covered his ears until they were gone.
The next monster in line might be the most curious in the growing crowd. The figure was even smaller than Bert, and slowly climbed up on top of Bert’s desk.
Bert blinked down at a sentient deck of cards, complete with spindly arms and legs, and a pair of eyes that blinked back at him. Bert cleared his throat, then pounded his gavel on the desk. “Next!”
“Hi there.” The deck waved up at him. “My name is Alot. I’m a deck of a lot of things. Have you heard of my kind?”
“No.” Bert hopped up on his chair, and leaned in to peer at the curious cards. They were exquisitely painted and seemed very magical. “Bert never heard of deck. What do?”
“Well, you leave me in a room somewhere, and wait for adventurers to find me.” The deck rubbed its hands together, and its expression reminded Bert of Jaraf’s pinched face. “If they draw a card, whatever that card says happens. They can get a wish, but it’s much more likely they’ll be whisked away to a dungeon, or cast into the void. I’ve wiped out whole parties.”
Bert eyed the cards skeptically. “No thanks. Bert not need.” He folded his arms and gave his best no nonsense stare when the card appeared about to protest. Finally it turned and dejectedly walked away.
Bert gave a relieved sigh and turned back to the crowd. The next monster in line terrified him, which probably meant it was qualified for the job. It was a giant spider, with eight eyes and dripping fangs, and a cute little pink purse.
“Hi there,” the giant spider quivered, its voice a nice feminine sound that reminded Bert of Kit. Odd for a spider. “My name is Sheila. I was here before Sore Eye. Before elves and men. And…admittedly I’ve put on weight. People mock my age and my weight all the time. It’s very rude.”
“Okay.” Bert felt a little bad for the spider, but wasn’t sure how that was relevant to the interview. “What can spider do?”
“Well, I can make webs. I’m an exceptional knitter.” A pair of legs produced a pair of needles. “Also my venom can kill anything, and I’m a skilled personal decorator. I have some experience typing as well.”
“Spider hired!” Bert perked up immediately. She had so many useful skills, and she seemed pleasant enough. “Please go find spot in maze.” He waved at the cavern, and the spider scuttled out of view to reveal the next monster in line.
This one gave Bert pause as it was a nuppet, the very same type of unliving creature the previous dark lord had been before White had taken his place. This nuppet wore long shaggy fur, and had a leather satchel slung over one shoulder.
As he approached, the creature reached into the bag, removed a handful of steaming brownies, and jammed the chocolate into his mouth. He took several moments to chew, then finally spoke to Bert. “Name Brownie Monster. Me love brownies. B is for brownie.”
Bert gave the nuppet an approving nod. They scared the pants off him, so maybe they would scare adventurers too. “Okay. Brownie Monster hired. Please go into maze and find spot. Next!”
The next candidate appeared promising indeed. An eight-foot-tall rhino strode up to the table. He bore a battle-axe slung over his shoulder, but currently his hands were busy with a brown sack. One hand clutched it, and the other plucked shiny objects and tossed them into his mouth.
It took Bert a few moments to realize they were marbles. A rhino that ate marbles. How marvelous. “Hullo. Tell Bert name, and what do.”
“I’m the hungry hungry rhino.” The rhino paused to toss another marble into his mouth. “I ain’t cheap to feed, but if you keep the marbles coming I’ll make sure no adventurers make it past me.”
“Done!” Bert leapt to his feet with a grin. So many intimidating monsters had shown up. The Eye of Soreness knew everyone!
There were two problems remaining. Bert began chewing on his lip as he thought about dealing with them.
Bert still only had one hit point. He needed to find a way to protect himself before adventurers started showing up.
If he could deal with that…he still needed a source of gold.
20
The Armor of Plote
The following morning Bert carefully crept through his newly populated labyrinth. Each of the monsters seemed to be settling into their own areas, and he hoped that they would be sufficiently scary to keep everyone away from the magical rock.
Once Bert was certain that both Boberton and his new employees were sleeping he decided
