When we were in France, we tried to apply the food rules as French families do. But when we moved back to North America, this wasn’t possible. Because our children eat a relatively small, hurried lunch at school, for example, we had to allow more snacking during the day. So we adapted our rules to combine the best of both cultures. French food culture—with its codified common sense and time-tested traditions—is a great basis for family food routines. Their combination of rules and routines with good taste (and their balance of self-restraint and pleasure) is something I want my children to grow up with. But I have shaped these rules to fit North American sensibilities, which prioritize flexibility and respect for individual differences.
So these food rules are not hard and fast. They’re more like goals, or habits. And I’m certainly not suggesting that every family should follow the same rules, which might not always be appropriate or even possible. No two families (and indeed no two children) are alike. Rather, my hope is that reading about these rules, and our stories, will trigger insights and intuitions about what might work best for your family.
You can innovate with these rules as much as you like in order to adapt them to your needs. Here’s an example from our family. When we returned to Vancouver, our daughters started craving fast food. Our older daughter did everything children do to get their way: pleaded, begged, moped, stamped her feet. So we put a House Rule in place: Our family only eats fast food on days that start with “F.” And in our case, fast food means the little sushi restaurant down the street (admittedly easy in our city, where every second restaurant is a mom-and-pop-style sushi place). This doesn’t mean that other fast food, such as pizza, is totally forbidden, but rather that it is a once-in-a-while treat.
French Food Rule #1:
Parents: You are in charge of your children’s food education.
How should parents handle feeding their children? Research suggests that authoritative (rather than authoritarian) feeding has positive results. For example, kids who have authoritative parents are more likely to eat more vegetables and to have a healthier weight. In contrast, children whose parents are overly controlling tend to be less eager to taste new foods and less able to effectively regulate their own eating habits.
I had a hard time getting my head around this food rule at first and instead veered between being authoritarian and indulgent. Often my children totally controlled the feeding situation, and in order to deal with this I overreacted and became overly controlling myself. Then I felt guilty, started to indulge them, and the cycle started all over again. But after watching the French in action, I realized that there is another way: I could be authoritative, rather than indulgent or controlling. (“Think of it like being a tabby cat mom rather than a tiger mom,” my husband suggested, “and you’ll have it just about right. You’ll cuddle up and purr if all is going well, but won’t hesitate to [gently] show your claws if someone is out of line.”)
So what is authoritative parenting? An authoritative parent is kind but firm. An authoritative parent sets clear limits for children’s behaviors, within which they respond to children’s needs. And an authoritative parent sets clear goals—and then helps children reach them. The goal of authoritative parenting is the development of healthy eating habits in your children: helping them learn to prefer healthy food choices, to eat appropriate portion sizes, to be responsive to their own hunger cues (and feelings of fullness) to determine how much they eat. The goal is to educate children to be self-confident eaters who eat a wide variety of foods, who are comfortable trying new things, and who know how to balance self-restraint with pleasure. In other words, the goal is not to control what they eat, but to teach them how to eat well. French parents do this with flair, and I’ve seen their children grow to develop a healthy love of food—all food.
Rule #1 Tips for Authoritative Family Food Lessons
• Healthy eating is about how, when, and why you eat, as much as it is about what you eat.
• Create House Rules about food, and stick to them. For example, kids always have permission to reach for a piece of fruit but have to ask permission for anything else.
• Give your children simple choices about vegetables (eggplant or spinach this evening?), but don’t let them plan your menus or ask them to make all of the choices. Fear of new foods is heightened when children are confronted with choice. And young children don’t usually know enough about nutrition to consistently create appropriately balanced meals.
• Be firm rather than hesitant when serving meals. Rather than “Are you going to come eat now?” try saying “It’s time to eat now.” Rather than “Will you try this?” try a warm but firm statement like: “Here’s the delicious dish that I prepared for us.”
• Kids do as we do, rather than as we say. Model positive eating behaviors. If parents eat well, chances are that children will too.
French Food Rule #2:
Avoid emotional eating.
Food is not a pacifier, a distraction, a toy, a bribe, a reward, or a substitute for discipline.
French kids, like their parents, rarely eat for what psychologists and nutritionists term “non-nutritive” reasons. In other words, they are not emotional eaters. This is in part because French adults aren’t either. Although they love to provide tasty treats for their children, they don’t tend to do so in response to children’s emotional needs. They wouldn’t offer a candy to an upset child, or a whiny child, or a bored child.
Here, as in many things, modern science has verified the wisdom of the French approach. Scientists have found (surprise!) that using specific food as a reward for good behavior increases children’s preferences for those foods; and because unhealthy foods are often used as a
