Matthew beams back at him. When Robert lets go of his hand, Matthew starts wringing them together and rocking from foot to foot, something he does when he’s excited.
Robert is one of the few people on earth who’s not in Matthew’s daily life that Matthew is actually comfortable around. Robert’s brother has autism and is the whole reason this resort exists the way it does. I think Matthew gravitates toward Robert because he knows how to talk to him like a typical human and is completely unfazed by awkwardness. Even though Matthew has never been diagnosed with autism, his mannerisms and behaviors can give that appearance.
My mom introduces Scott, and Robert greets him in kind, then turns back to Matthew. They get wrapped up in their own private conversation. Tori has taken an interest in Scott and is quizzing him similarly to a detective with a witness.
My mom smiles at me, pulling me aside. “How are you doing?”
“I’m doing fine.”
“I hope so. I think about you all the time, sweetie.” She rubs my back. “I just want you to be happy. If I could have that for you and Matthew, I wouldn’t need anything else.”
I glance at her new guy and then back at her. “You seem happy.”
“He’s a good guy. I know it’s hard to believe that coming from me, but it’s different this time.”
“Does he drink?”
“He did before he met me, but he stopped, not because he has to but because he says he doesn’t really care about it one way or the other. He’s really supportive.”
“How much older is he?”
She purses her lips at me. “Does that really matter?”
“I’m just curious.”
“He’s nine years older.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“I think he’s handsome. Don’t you?”
I look at him, considering. “I guess he’s not grotesque.”
“Seriously, I’m attracted to him. It’s not like he’s old enough to be my father or anything.”
We stand in silence a moment, glancing around at the people congregating, some at an arts and craft station, some at a corn hole toss, and some filling their plates with barbecue.
“Am I going to get to meet this famous Kylie today?”
I frown at her and then let out a sigh. “How often do you and Tori talk, anyway?”
“I don’t know much about her at all, just that things were going really well with the two of you until the night Mimi died?” She looks at me with a question in her eye.
Pain shoots through my chest. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Well, I do want to talk about it. What happened that night was a horrible tragedy. But it was also an accident. Nobody meant for Mimi to wander out of the house. It just happened.”
“It wouldn’t have happened if I would’ve been there.”
“It’s in the past. You can’t punish yourself for the rest of your life. How do you think that makes your brother feel?”
I meet her gaze. “How does how I feel have anything to do with what he feels?”
“Because the more you huff and puff around and punish yourself, the more he does the same. This has killed him. He’s failing school.”
“He is?” I say, my chest constricting.
“He’s already dropped out of his summer class, and now he’s threatening not to go back for the fall semester. He left the trailer that night because she was asleep and you were on your way. I’ve done that before, Brett. I’ve left her to run out for quick errands. I’ve left her to go meet my drug dealer.”
I wince as a vise grip takes hold of my body.
“Matthew didn’t do anything that he didn’t learn from me. Until the three of us can forgive ourselves for our sins, none of us will be able to move forward. I need you to forgive yourself.”
My mom puts on a smile, looking over my shoulder, and I turn to find Matthew and Robert rejoining us. “Will your brother be here today?” my mom asks. “It’s Ethan, right?”
“That’s right,” Robert says. “He’s on his way. I told him I would come get him, but he said he wanted to bring his own car. He said when I pick him up, he’s stuck here all day.”
We all laugh.
“I know how he feels,” Matthew says with a smile.
We all laugh again, and Matthew meets my gaze and then looks away, the smile leaving his face. My heart breaks to think I’m punishing him without even meaning to. This whole time, I have felt like I was shouldering the blame and the burden so that he wouldn’t, but I see now I’ve just made him feel worse.
I nudge him on the shoulder. “Do you want to go check out those old-school arcade games with me?”
“I’m good,” Matthew says, looking away.
“Come with me,” I say, and he minds me like he always has. When we get to the arcade, I point at a table. “Sit with me a second.”
“We’re not gonna play games?”
“In a minute. You know I don’t blame you for what happened that night, don’t you?”
He just looks all around the place, fidgeting.
“Hey,” I say, and he meets my gaze. “That was not your fault. We’ve all left her there alone at times. She was asleep. You had every right to believe I was coming in minutes. I would’ve done the same thing if I were you,” I say, even though I don’t think it’s true, at least not since that day we lost her.
“No, you wouldn’t have. You would’ve stayed there with her.”
“I left her once,” I say.
“When?”
“About three or four months ago. I was over there with her alone, and I wanted a Coke. I went to the convenience store, got a Coke, and came back. She was sitting in the same damn position she was when I left. There’s no difference between what I did that day and what you did that night.”
He swallows hard, looking down at his hands.
“It’s not your fault. Do you hear me?”
He nods.
“How about we both stop beating ourselves up
