“Then there’s you.” He pulls out another paper, “I pushed you too hard, I made you feel like you had to be the man of the house for your mother and sister when I went to prison, and I never told you enough how much I appreciated everything you did in my absence.”
Well, this is unexpected and right now I’m not in the mood to get emotional with him, as much as I’ve always wanted to hear these things.
“Thanks, Dad.” I pat his shoulder awkwardly. “I’m proud of you for all of this and when you’re out, I really want to hear all of it.”
“Really?” His eyes brighten.
“Yes.” I nod.
I need to get back to the house and call Mom before her next shift at the diner. I need to know everything about Charlotte and she’s going to tell me exactly why I was kept in the dark. The one thing that keeps nagging at me is the ‘obsessed with Ivy’ bit.
“Why would you say she was obsessed with Ivy?” I ask Dad.
“Because she always wanted to be with her.”
“They were best friends. Girls are like that.”
“This was more of a need to know where Ivy was, even when she wasn’t in Whitsborough, calling me to ask Vin where his daughter was, things like that. I also found a few letters in her room that looked like love letters to her. I chalked it up to being a joke, but I’m not so sure.” He scrubs his hand along his scalp.
“Maybe I’ll talk to Ivy.” I murmur.
“Ivy is a good girl,” my father states. “I never blamed her for Charlotte because I was never convinced of her story.”
“She admitted that Charlotte’s death was her fault.” I argue.
“I also knew at the time that Charlotte was troubled and under the influence,” he stares at me. “What do you think?”
My breath is lodged somewhere in my lungs and I’m finding it hard to breathe. What do I think? I think Ivy is the type to cover for her best friend, even at the cost of being sent away.
“I think I need to talk to Mom.”
“Okay, son. Take it easy on her, being a single mother is never easy.”
I nod and head to the door, my visit short, and nearly devastating.
“I’ll see you when you get out.” I tell him.
“I can’t wait.” He laughs as I leave his room.
I head back out to my car and pull out my phone. Mom better have the answers I need.
I’m back in the front of the toilet and staring at my bile in horror. This isn’t normal. When I woke up, the room spun and my stomach heaved almost instantly. I just made it to the toilet and even though I had nothing to throw up, I couldn’t stop.
It’s not stress that’s causing this and I don’t think it’s a bug. My stomach rolls again with my thoughts and I’m back in the toilet, bile burning my throat. I think back over my calendar and realize two fucking things.
I stupidly had unprotected sex with Neil when I was drunk, forgetting the morning after pill in my run in with Mr. O’Connor and then I was raped by Adam, not sure if he used a condom or not. That wasn’t my priority at the time.
I am at least two weeks late on my period and as I look at the swirling bile in the toilet, I know I’m in serious shit. How the fuck do I fix this? Can I go through with an abortion? What do I tell Neil? I fall back to my ass and sobs tear through my chest, shattering the silence in the washroom. I am in so much shit.
I need to go to the pharmacy and buy some tests, then take it from there. I just don’t know where to take it from there. What do I do? I get up slowly and sob again when the room spins. My family is going to kill me and I could never admit to what Adam did.
I quickly change out of my school uniform and make my way downstairs. No one is home yet and I can leave without any questions, I can’t fucking deal with questions right now.
The drive into town is filled with tears and my body feels like I’m walking through quicksand, I can barely breathe. The pharmacy is thankfully empty and I thank whoever the fuck it was that invented self-checkout. I leave the place with five tests and somehow get my ass back home in one piece.
After sitting on the toilet and peeing on two of the five tests, I pace my bedroom for the two minutes needed. Two minutes of pure torture and the worst kind of anxiety I have ever felt. I run over every scenario in my head and I know without a doubt, if I’m pregnant, I will have to terminate it. If there is even a slim chance of it being Adam’s I could never raise it. I wouldn’t be able to love it like it deserved.
My walk back to the washroom feels like the end of my life as I know it, if I am pregnant, there’s a chance that this child is Neil’s and terminating that feels impossible. I don’t know when it happened or how, but my heart belongs to him, and having his child would be amazing. Am I ready right now to have children? Of course not, but I could make it work and even though my family would be disappointed, they would help me, and I know Neil would be a great dad.
It’s heartbreaking to think I would be destroying that. Could I destroy that?
I walk to the counter and close my eyes, calming my breathing. Whatever the little plastic stick says is going to change me forever, I know it. I open them and what I see sends me straight to my knees.
She didn’t want to
