“Yes, baby.” She begins to cry.
“It’s okay, Mom.” I will myself not to cry, “Charlotte has her.”
“I’m sure she will love her.” Mom says through her tears.
“Charlotte was driving the car.” I look my mom in the eye, “I lied and said it was me because I made her angry.”
“I know, baby. I always knew that but there was no budging you to tell me the truth. I’m sorry you had to be sent away.”
I nod because what else can I do? It wasn’t her fault that I lied and I was a juvenile who was under the influence. Not to mention, neither of us had licenses to drive. I may have looked like I got off easy but those two years were complete torture.
“Does Neil know?” I ask her. “About the…” I look to my stomach.
“No.” She shakes her head. “Do you want to talk to him?”
“Yes.” I whisper.
She kisses my forehead and then leaves the room. There’s so much to tell him and I can only hope he wants to hear it.
The creak of the door sounds in the room and when I see his face, I begin to cry. We’ve come a long way and I love him so much. He rushes to my side and gathers me into his arms.
“I love you.” He says as he kisses my temple. “I love you so much, I need that to be the first thing you hear from me.”
“I love you, too.” I whisper into his chest. “I lost it.” The grief I finally feel consumes me and I begin to sob into his chest, “she’s gone.”
“She?” His voice cracks.
“Charlotte has her.” I tell him between sobs.
Then we’re both sobbing together as he rocks us back and forth. His hand buried in my hair and his tears dripping on my face.
“Charlotte will take care of her,” he finally collects himself. “I promise.”
“Charlotte came to see me.” I hope he doesn’t think I sound crazy. I don’t want him to dismiss this.
“She did?” His tear-soaked face looks down into mine.
“She wants me to tell you the truth. Can I tell you the truth now, Neil?”
He crawls up into bed beside me and hauls me onto his chest, his steady heartbeat sounding in my ear.
“Please.” He says.
“When Nana Jenna died, I was so upset, she was the only one besides Charlotte that ever understood me, and I felt like my world was ending. My parents were dealing in their own way and I was practically left alone. I drank… a lot and then I called Charlotte to come over. She did of course, she always came when I needed her, and when I begged her to get me out of the house, she did that, too.
“We were driving for only ten minutes when she began to ask me questions about the two of us. She confessed that she loved me and thought I felt the same. To be fair, I was fooling around with her and discovering my own sexuality, never taking her feelings into consideration. I wasn’t in love with her and she knew it at that moment.
“She had been abusing Oxy for a while and I knew she could be erratic with her moods, but that night was extreme. She was so angry and I did nothing to help it. I should’ve been more sensitive to her feelings but I was so messed up with mine.”
“Ivy, why did you hold this inside for so long?”
“Because I never wanted anyone to blame her, she didn’t deserve that. She wasn’t herself that night when we crashed into that tree. She died in my arms…” I sob again, “telling me she loved me. I loved her, too. I really loved her… just not the way she wanted.”
Neil’s chest moves against my face as he cries and I burrow in closer.
“You let yourself be punished for juvenile manslaughter, Ivy.”
“I didn’t want her to be remembered as the girl who tried to commit murder/suicide. I kept something of hers from you and her family for three years now. I was going to go home and get it the day… when the… when I was struck.” I force out.
“What is it?”
“Do you remember that diary she always carried around with her? The pink one with that flimsy lock strap?” I ask him.
I see recognition in his eyes as he nods.
“She brought it to my house that night along with a change of clothes. I gave your family back her clothes but I kept the diary. At first I didn’t want to read it, but I was afraid of what might be in there, and I was right.” I whisper. “When I read it, I began to see the anguish Charlotte lived through.”
“What’s in there?”
“Charlotte had secrets and as much as I loved her, the last year of her life was hard on her. I’ll give you the diary when I get out of here.” I promise him.
I will also tell him everything else I endured, but for now I just want him to hold me and stay here while I sleep.
“Did you see the car that hit you, baby?” He asks.
“I don’t know.” I struggle to piece together that day, “I remember the sounds and the smell of burning rubber. Maybe a quick flash of green?”
I feel him tense under me and I lift my head to look at him, “why? The cops haven’t found them?”
“Not yet.” His voice is different and his face is starting to look weird.
I’m too fucking tired to decipher his features and I drop my head back to his chest, maybe Charlotte will come to me again.
I lift her off me and set her back down on the pillows, she fucking said green. The car was green. I walk softly out of the room and look back at her, the love swelling in my chest.
The way she opened up about Charlotte to me and admitted
