I snapped out of my stupor. “And what does your judge of character say?”
His eyes twinkled, and the creases under them deepened. “Ahnalyn, my darling, don’t you think I’ve noticed the change in you over the past couple of weeks? When Brenin visits you in the meadow, you come home beaming with joy. How could I deny how you’ve been feeling, especially after the long years of sadness you’ve been through?”
Shame swept over me. Long years of sadness indeed. Tad was referring to my angry outbursts, my guilt. Mother had died, and it was my fault.
I still hadn’t forgiven myself.
A sigh escaped my lips. “How will you manage? What will happen to you?”
Ever since we’d been alone, Tad and I had been a team. While he took the sheep out to pasture, I cooked the meager porridge in the mornings and tackled the chores around the house. Midday, I brought Tad a scrap of bread and cheese and resumed care of the sheep while he returned home to finish his chores and cook supper.
“I have it figured out,” he said. “A maid from the village will come to cook and clean for me.”
“With what money? How’s that going to work?”
“Now, Ahnalyn, don’t you think I’ve been pondering this for a while? Surely you didn’t think you’d live here forever? Someday you’d marry.”
“I don’t understand how it’ll work.” I caught the confident expression on Father’s face. I narrowed my eyes as my suspicions brewed. “How are you going to pay for help?”
“He asked me, Ahnalyn. Brenin asked how I would manage without you, and I told him: if I had someone to do the housework, I’d be able to get along.”
I pushed my chair back. My hands shook as I stood. “Are you saying that Brenin is paying for it? Is that the price of him marrying me?” Impassioned tears stole down my face.
Father came around the table and wrapped his arms around me.
Anxiety rapped like a hammer on my heart. Tad’s crushing embrace calmed me as if absorbing my excess emotions.
“Brenin wanted me to live with you at the palace,” Tad said.
I hiccoughed against his shoulder and spoke, my voice muffled by his shirt. “He did?”
“I told him: What would I do? My life is here, not at the palace. I’m not made for finery and fancy trimmings. So we made an arrangement that would leave you free to decide what you want to do. Don’t you see? We’re trying to make this easy for you. But it’s your decision.” Tad pulled back from me and dabbed at a tear on my cheek.
“I don’t understand why Brenin would do this.” I sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve. Could he truly care for me?
“I do. I see more than you realize. Because of my understanding, I’m more than willing to give you away to be married. Brenin is a good man and worthy of you. Tell me the truth, Ahnalyn. You cannot deny the weight that is lifted when he’s near.”
My shoulders relaxed, but my brow tightened. What does Father see? “You’re right, Tad. You’re always right.”
AHNALYN
With silent tears running down my cheeks, I lay in bed, facing the wall. The sheep had quieted, their incessant noises replaced by the hum of insects.
I don’t know if I can do this. Leave everything I’ve ever known—leave Tad?
My body tensed, and blood pounded in my ears, ringing through my head. This familiar feeling had more often than not overwhelmed me in the years since Mother’s tragic death.
Every day had stayed much the same as the days before she died, and in this way, I remained close—felt her in the breeze and in the sun’s heat. In every heartbeat within the walls of our home.
In my thoughts.
I swore I could talk to her. Sense her.
Swore I was not crazy.
If I left here, where the memories of her greeted me with every turn, would the bond we share fade? How could I leave what had kept her so close?
My pulse slowed, and my body relaxed as if guided by a gentle hand. Was this Mother’s way of saying everything would be all right and I should trust this new path?
I feel you.
I touched the round stone on the necklace that had been Mother’s. I liked how it shone with a rainbow of light, every move offering a different brilliance. She had given me the stone with her dying breath. The instant I’d tied it on, I was consoled, as if Mother’s presence still lingered. This occurred the same time the visions and voices started, so I’d taken it as a sign she was watching over me.
And not as a sign that I was crazy.
Dare I leave my familiar pasture and start a new life?
Until Brenin had charmed his way into my life, I didn’t have any expectations or hopes beyond what already existed.
I was simpleminded in this, but simpleminded meant uncomplicated and sure.
The day Brenin laid eyes on me from across the rocky creek became a catalyst stirring my empty heart. He showed up from nowhere and became a welcome distraction to my somber spirit. He made me laugh as I never had before.
And made my stomach do mind-bending somersaults.
Each day that Brenin spent with me, I grew fonder of him. Father was right. Brenin did lift my spirits. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry him.
I was afraid.
So afraid my heart was in my lungs, taking up valuable space, making breathing impossible.
