For this week, each of us had our own room. Finally, I had plenty of quiet time to pray and really understand what was happening to me and around me.
I felt myself getting stressed during this week when I should have been happy that I had made it that far. The auditions were not what was stressin’ me. The real hurdle during this part of the auditions was that things started being said about me on the Internet. TheAmerican Idol Web site is one of the most visited sites on the Web, and the viewer chat rooms are a favorite feature. The entertainment press follows theAmerican Idol process as closely as possible. Once I had made it into the Top 32, stories about my child and the fact that I didn’t finish high school started breaking. That made me mad. I couldn’t be the only person out there who didn’t finish high school. What was the big deal? It was my business, not theirs. They were saying that I was “ghetto” and a “ho” on the chat lines. It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t heard before, but the weird thing about the Internet is that it can’t be stopped. Once someone says something about you, it’s in the world’s hands. I was feeling helpless and scared.
This is how it works with the thirty-two contestants. There are four groups of eight, and each group is given one week to prepare, and your audition is taped for the actual television show. One night we performed our songs, and on the next night the result show would tell who was being voted off the show. Diana DeGarmo and I were the only two who were voted on to the next round that would have twelve people competing in the weekly TV show. The other six in our group went home. Diana and I went home too, but we knew we were coming back. Each of us went home with our own production assistant who spent the next week interviewing family and friends back home and doing sort of life stories on us.
The production assistant who was assigned to me filmed me most of the hours of the days that he was there. He filmed me at home with my friends, family, and daughter. He filmed me eating and brushing my teeth. He talked to my grandmother and wanted to see old photo albums. He asked my friends from the neighborhood about me. At the time, it was a little too much. I couldn’t understand why they needed this stuff for a singin’ show.
My producer was a white guy who didn’t know nothin’ about church. He was a little nervous when I told him that we were going to spend a whole day at church. I’m sure that he thought that it would be boring and not something that he would know anything about, but he was surprised. He said after the three-hour service, “I couldn’t get enough.” God touches everyone, doesn’t He?
Before the films of my “life story” had even been processed, it seemed there were articles about me and footage of everything, showing me at church, me with my grandmother, and, most of all, me with Zion. It seemed like out of all the things that were happening with the competition and all the others in the Top 12 who were going home to be filmed, me and my baby were the talk of the Internet. Suddenly, everyone got bold with their thoughts about me havin’ a baby and it was all over the chat rooms. People were writing in and complaining that I should not be an icon for American children, because I had sex before I was married and I had a child. They said that my havin’ a baby made me a poor example of a young American. I remember someone saying to me, “You should hide your baby. If anyone asks you about it, just say that you don’t know what they’re talking about.” I said, “I can’t do that and I won’t do that.” People on the Internet were writing, “Fantasia is not an American Idol. She is a single mother—that is not a good example for our kids.” The producers said, “The choice is up to you.”
I put it in God’s hands.
Every type of entertainment media was debating my worthiness to be the American Idol. I couldn’t believe that so many people were so upset about my baby. It seemed a little hypocritical. I thought thatAmerican Idol was supposed to represent America, and I knew that there were plenty of baby mamas in America! It hurt me deeply that so many people thought that I was unworthy. They didn’t even care about how I sang.
I was overwhelmed and feeling like I had no more words to excuse myself or defend myself. I was keeping the faith but knew that at any time I could be voted off the show.
When the press got close enough to ask me about it, I was constantly open and honest with my responses. I told them being a young mother is not a new thing. I also said to the ones who were sayin’ negative things about me that they should have been looking at what I was trying to donow instead of focusing on my past.
I was not sure that those answers wouldn’t hurt my chances in the competition, but I knew that they were true and that truth was all I had to work with. I had to think about all the things my grandmother had said about truth and honesty. I knew I couldn’t lie about Zion and I couldn’t pretend that my past hadn’t happened. I blamed myself for putting myself into this situation. I was just humbled and scared. I was just waiting for the day for it all to be over.
Behind the scenes, I prayed every day that I could win. I knew that my experience and my love for music
