As my grandmother used to say about mothers like mine, “She makes a way out of no way.” And all those nights when we didn’t have enough to eat or enough electricity or enough heat, we always had a song in our hearts and a smile on our faces. That is because of the things that my mother was able to give us. Although my brothers love my mother to death, there is something mysterious and unseen that ties her and me together so tightly. It is more than love between us. It is not just the fact that we look so much alike. It is not the fact that we both love shoes and fashion. It is not that we love God above all else. It is that our souls are thesame. We have had the same circumstances. We have made the same mistakes. We have both hurt our mothers and in some ways we are both trying to make up for it—my mother became a minister and I became the star that her mother wanted her to be.
Mama is my biggest role model. She is my guide and my friend. I can tell my mother anything and she doesn’t judge me. We never judge each other. We both have done some crazy things. We are standin’ proud because of how far we have come. But no matter how far I rise, my mother will always be my angel, looking out for me.
In fact, “I need an angel” is the name that is programmed into my cell phone instead of “Mama.” Every time Mama calls me, I am reminded of what I need most in my life: Diane Barrino.
I have never seen my mother do anything wrong. But that’s because I was born after she had turned her life around. The truth is my mother, like me, used to doeverything wrong. She partied, she drank, and she smoked—just like me. Just like many young girls from the church who are told that all those things are so wrong. Don’t get me wrong, Grandma Addie tried to keep my mother in line, but she rebelled. She wanted to experience everything. We both did. When Diane said she was going to the park, she would usually wind up somewhere else that meant trouble. I guess that’s how Mama ended up seeing my daddy on those nights when they weren’t supervised. My mother fell in love with a boy from the church and got pregnant with a kid when she was just a kid herself. I did the same thing.
These mistakes that we both made are nothin’ to be proud of. But these experiences are the root of where we come from. The excitement of rebellion and the pain of irreversible mistakes are what have made us the women that we are today. And in spite of the embarrassment, pain, fear, and humiliation that we have both endured from the world, the church, and our men, we are still standing tall and that is what keeps our heads up.
In order to fully understand ’Tasia and how she has kept her head up, you have to understand Mama and who she is. I want to tell you about her because without understandin’ her, there is no understandin’ me.
My mother is a very caring woman. She is the most generous person I have ever met. Her kindness to others is the thing I think of most when I think of her. I believe that trait has been passed to me as well. When my brothers were growing up, there was always someone whose mother put their son out of the house. They put them out because of those teenage fits that young men go through. It was the usual High Point dramas: girls, pregnancies, not workin’, bein’ lazy, bein’ messy, drinkin’, smokin’, and not goin’ to school. They were all the things that my brothers were going through too, but they were never put out of our house. My mama would never do that. During a particularly terrible fight with Daddy, he had put her out of her own house, so she knew personally how it felt to be on the street. Grandma Addie used to tell Mama, “There’s nothing worse than not having a place to go.” Those boys, my brother’s friends, knew they could always come to our house even when there was no guarantee thatour family would be eatin’ that night. My mother always told those boys that they could stay with us. She used to say, “You just lay down on that couch, take this blanket, and stay as long as you want.” Mama was justcarin’.
She passed that carin’ to my heart like a torch. Now, I’m like that, too. We both can’t help helpin’ people, in whichever way we can. So now, years later, I have helped my brothers with their child-support payments, I have bought Tiny a car, I have given my mother a car and started her first bank account. I can’t help wantin’ to help. If I could help everybody in the world, I would. Now, my mother sees me helpin’ everybody and she warns me by saying, “Fantasia, you’re just like me.
