Grandma Addie always said, “Have hope and faith and things will work out.” My mother believes it too. “Just hold on” is what my mother used to tell me, and “Believe in yourself,” regardless of the circumstances. She would say, “Believe that things will always get better.” That is what she used to tell me as she looked in the refrigerator and there was nothing to eat except for grits for the third day in a row. I remember my mother going with a friend to get the government-supplied free groceries. She would come home with cheese, powered milk, and peanut butter. My mother used to take the cheese that came in a long cardboard box and make the following dinners: cheese and eggs, cheese and grits, rice and cheese, and cheese sandwiches. Because she was serving it with a smile at the same time, she was a living example of the power of “holdin’ on.” I know now that faith was the only thing that kept my family going through the hardest times. I also know that without hope and faith in troubled times, there would be no reason to go on. When we were eating cheese and grits, or worse, every day, we might have given up without our faith to sustain us. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and we must keep our faith strong so that we are still here to see what He has in store.
Mama used to tell me to always maintain my inner strength, which is what Addie taught her. When I was a small girl and wondering how I would make it through the hardships of low self-esteem in a world that believes in beauty above all else, even above God, my mother would say, “You are stronger than you know. You can make it.” My mother believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. And all those days that I cried and she just kept telling me about my gift, she was right. But Mama needed her inner strength when she thought I had thrown away my gift by getting pregnant. I floundered but found mine when I finally accepted that B. was wrong for me and used that strength to turn away from him. All of the women in my family have tremendous inner strength, and all of that strength has been tested many times over and we’re still here. It is my inner strength that made it possible for me to go to theAmerican Idol auditions—not wearing the right clothes and just holding my gift in my pocket. Mama said I could make it, and I did.
One of my grandmother’s favorite sayings is “God’s forgiveness is the key to freedom.” My mother is the most forgiving woman I know. She has tried to teach this lesson to me, but it’s been a difficult one to learn. It still amazes me as I watch my mother still being civil to my father and living under the same roof and still calling him her husband. Mama is a living testimony of forgiveness. There were so many years that she didn’t smile or laugh for months at a time because her marriage was so hard. My mother once told me about her own marriage, “I got married because it was my decision. It was a disgrace to have children and no husband. I know; I did it too young. I guess I was sixteen when I was pregnant with Rico, and it was not quite a year when Joseph was born. I got married and tried to grow up a little too fast. I should have waited and gotten a degree and gone back to school or something. I made the decision and decided if it didn’t last but a week, I could say I was married.”
My mother forgave herself for the choices that she made and therefore never demanded that I get married when I got pregnant. She once wrote me a letter that said, “Fantasia, I didn’t want to push you to go back to school, but I didn’t want to rush you into marriage either. Too young, I had to be a mother and wife. And I didn’t want that for you. I wanted you to believe that you could have a second chance. I wanted you to do something that you woulddecide to do. I was embarrassed because I got pregnant a second time and my mother told me that was a disgrace. I got married because of my upbringing, but I don’t want you to marry for that reason. I want you to forgive yourself and move on with your life.” I love my mother because she is in the process of forgiving herself. Now I can see that Grandma Addie was right: forgiveness is the key to freedom, and in our own way both Mama and I are finally free.
Although we are mother and daughter and friends and tell each other most things, there are a few things that we have never said to each other or shared with the world. Because our connection is so strong, we have hopes and dreams for each other that are really for ourselves, because we are from the same root. What I wish for my mother is that she is always a blessed woman and that the pain and disappointment that her marriage has caused can slowly be washed away from her. I hope that she will always have nice things around her that make her happy. I also wish that my mother could see that there are good and trustworthy people in the world. My mother has been through so many things; her heart has hardened in some ways. She doesn’t go out. She doesn’t have any friends who she trusts. She has had friends steal from her, lie to her, and try to date her husband. My dream is to show
