Life Is Not a Fairy Tale

Xavier to be “cool,” handsome, andsmart —which he already is. I want him to be a workin’ man with a few dollars in his pocket. I don’t want him to be hustlin’ with the neighborhood boys hangin’ out at the gas station, waitin’ to make trouble. Xavier is better than that. He was raised right and for once, one of Mama’s kids will choose right, even if it is with a little help from me. It makes me smile to be able to give him the schoolin’ he needs to help himself become a good man who knows how to be productive and prosper. Because Mama takes care of Zion for me, I feel that I should help her with raising Xavier, because she can’t go out and make money on her own anymore. It’s like that saying: “Give a man a fish, and you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime.” I would like to teach Xavier and my whole family to fish.

So for all of you who think that I’m sittin’ around countin’ my millions just because I wonAmerican Idol, I’m here to tell ya livin’ large just means that you need more money and it brings bigger money worries. Y’all know I’m tellin’ it all, because I want to set the record straight. I’ve taken on a lot to take care of my family and I have to work every single day to continue to have enough for all of them.

Also, because I didn’t write any of the songs on my first album, my income from the record sales is less than that of artists who do write their own songs. However, I look forward to collaborating on songs in the future. And all artists have to pay management-related fees. I don’t mean to tell my business like that, but people ask me about it all the time and everybody waits for me to pay when they are with me. I also need to understand the reality of the money situation for myself. I struggle every day with keeping my promise to my family and keeping my promise to myself, which was to make it with my music and not ever have to go without again.

Since I wonAmerican Idol, nothing is the same. It seems like one day I was hanging out in High Point and the next day I was being taken around by a Realtor looking at houses that I never thought I would be able to see the inside of, much less be able to buy one and own it.

I think my problem has always been thinking that having material things would make me happy. I think my whole family and all of the people from home have the same problem. What I’m realizing is that money and things don’t make you happy. All things really can do for you is make you more comfortable. And comfort isnot happiness.

Now that I have a little money, I’m noticing that money seems to mean everything to almost everybody I know. I guess it always has been this way, but being involved with real money for the first time and seeing how it complicates things, I’m now standing back and appreciating the little things in life. The simplest and most important thing in my life is Zion. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with her since all of this has happened. So, just by being with her, having her fall asleep in my room or in my lap makes me feel like the richest and happiest woman in the world. It’s her deep need for me and my being there that makes priceless moments.

Zion has taught me a lot about happiness. And even though I once believed that having material things would make us both happy, I learned from Zion’s deep brown eyes that when I would give her a new doll or a new toy or a pink canopy bed for her princess room, and then said I have to go away again, the canopy, the new dolls, and the new toys suddenly didn’t mean anything to her. Her eyes said it all. All she wanted was for me to stay with her. And when I saw that look in her eyes, I realized those material things really didn’t mean anything to me, either. I have to admit that I did spend money on Zion. I had a big need for Zion, and I wanted her to have new clothes, not hand-me-downs. I wanted her to have more than two pretty pink church dresses so she could choose from several. I wanted her to have shiny new patent leather shoes for church. I wanted her to have matching bows for her hair. I wanted my baby to have a winter coat like they have in the baby magazines. I wanted Zion to feel like a princess. I know I’m probably overdoing it with Zion, but what I want for her most above all else is pride, the one thing that I didn’t have when I was comin’ up. I wanted Zion to have all the things that I always wanted and never had. That may have been selfish in a way, but it just made me feel better that as a single parent I was trying to provide all the things that were missing. I see now that buying all those things for Zion was for me only. Now I’m much more aware of what to give Zion. I don’t buy her things every time I miss her or am feeling guilty about being away. Now I only give her what she needs, like a call every night to say good night. That makes her much happier and it makes me happier than anything I could buy.

Other little things in life, like walking on the beach and admiring the magnitude of the ocean, makes me see God’s power. The fact