“Well, I’ve always been domestic,” I argued.
“No you haven’t. You were just banging Stacy over the side of the couch a week before Lorelei came into town.”
I glared at him. “Thanks, man.”
“Hey, I’m just saying, never did I ever think I would hear you talking about just going home and staying there for a while. I bet you’ll even buy a plaid shirt and start chopping wood in your spare time, just for the fun of it.”
“Speaking of plaid shirts…did you see that guy that Eric hired to work for him? He wears plaid every fucking day,” I said, baffled by the whole thing. “I mean, who wears that much plaid?”
“Where’d he find him?”
“Derek sent him. Can you believe that?”
“Why would Derek send a plaid man to go work for Eric?” Joe asked.
“Something about the guy helping a friend of his and the guy was too hot to be around the girlfriend? I’m not sure. It doesn’t make sense.”
Lorelei leaned forward between the seats. “Wait, your brother said the guy was too hot, or the friend said the guy was too hot?”
“I’m assuming the friend. I don’t think Derek would ever refer to another guy as hot.”
“No,” Joe snorted, “but he would wear a Superman costume.”
“Whoa, what’s this about?” Lorelei asked, practically moving to sit up front with us. “I have to know more about this.”
I shook my head. “I don’t actually know. He just announced one day on the phone that he wanted to put on his Batman costume to have sexy time with Claire.”
“He just announced it,” she said, sounding completely baffled.
“Well, in all fairness, he didn’t know he was on speakerphone,” Joe said. “The Superman thing we found out later from Eric.”
“So, is this something where he goes and saves her? Does he toss her out windows and then dive after her?”
“I really doubt it,” I snorted. “He’s not actually Superman.”
“No, but wouldn’t that be cool? To have your own personal superhero?”
“I have my own personal serial killer,” I said dryly. “That’s enough for me.”
She stuck out her tongue at me. “You’re such a party pooper.”
“Hey, can I help it if I would rather not delve too deep into Derek’s twisted world?”
“You know, your language skills are really coming along. I bet you’re happy Eric got you that book now.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I can see the appeal. But every once in a while, I still throw out a totes just to piss him off.”
Joe grinned. “Yeah, I like to say spill the tea. That one really eats at him for some reason.”
“Okay, what is it with this weird language you two have?” Lorelei asked. “And why did it just one day disappear?”
“Didn’t you ever have slang in high school?”
She quirked an eyebrow at me. “I was too busy scrounging for food to worry about cool phrases.”
“Right,” I cleared my throat. “Well, those are just phrases we use, but then one day, Eric came home with this tattoo and he wouldn’t show it to us. Joe made this deal with him that he would stop talking like a Millennial if Eric showed him the tattoo. And then I somehow got dragged into it also.”
“You know, you have a very peculiar family.”
Joe laughed. “Says the serial killer.”
“Am I never going to live that down? Surely someone around here has a more interesting life than me. What about Carly? Why doesn’t anyone tease her?”
“Because they’re too afraid she’ll kick their ass.”
Her mouth dropped open. “But you keep calling me a serial killer. How is it fair that no one’s afraid of me?”
“Because you’re too nice.”
“Nice?” she scoffed. “Well, if you want me to be mean, I can always—“
“Bring someone flowers?” I laughed.
“No, put a frozen bag of peas on someone’s injury,” Joe added.
“Make sure they take their medication,” I grinned.
Joe and I were laughing, glancing over at each other when we suddenly realized it was deadly quiet in the back. I looked over my shoulder and saw her glaring at me, and not in a nice way, but in a serial killer sort of way. I swallowed hard.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’ll never say you’re nice again. You’re totally scary.”
She narrowed her eyes at me and I smacked Joe in the arm. “Right, freakishly skilled with an axe.”
I nodded quickly. “Totally. I would never take you on in a wood chopping contest. Or any contest that involved an axe.”
“Or stand under a tub when you’re in the room above me,” Joe added.
I punched him in the arm. That was taking it too far.
“Ow,” he said, rubbing his arm. “I thought we were trying to make her feel like a badass.”
“Yeah, but not a murderer.”
“So sorry. It’s a little hard to keep up with all the different directions we’re going here.”
He pulled into Lorelei’s driveway, but it wasn’t empty. In fact, it looked like the whole town was parked in the driveway and in the grass.
“What the hell is going on here?”
“Ma and Dad are here,” Joe grinned. “It’s your welcome home present.”
“My what?”
“Whoa, I never said anything about meeting your parents,” Lorelei said, looking a little panicked.
“Relax. They just came to see the woman that has Andrew so turned upside down that he was willing to risk death to be with her.”
“I’m not actually a murderer,” Lorelei muttered from the backseat.
“Exactly. I mean, only for good intentions,” I said, giving her a smile.
“Right, a murderer with good intentions,” Joe laughed. I glared at him, but he just held up his hand. “Hey, I’m just saying…it seems to run in the family. Between Derek, Josh, Carly, and now Lorelei, it’s like a new family profession.”
“Wait, Derek is—“
“Here,” I said, staring out the window at my brother who was stalking toward the truck.
“Oh, yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that Derek is here and he brought—“
“Andrew!” Claire squealed, yanking open the door. “I couldn’t wait to get out here to see you! Especially when Derek told me that you were seeing a serial killer. Not that
