That was him. Cutting things short.
‘We want different things, Merle. You know there’s no point drawing this out.’
‘Different things?’ She took another step nearer to him. ‘You never want to find love? Never have a family?’
She didn’t know why she asked. He’d already said he’d never marry and, given his scrupulous attention to avoiding an accidental pregnancy, she knew he didn’t want to be his father with secret children everywhere. But worst case for Ash wasn’t just an accidental pregnancy but any pregnancy at all. He’d never want children. But Merle did. To build her own family and ensure they had everything she’d missed out on.
‘If I stay now, you’ll only be more hurt,’ he said brutally. ‘You don’t have to stay to finish the job.’
The breath was sucked from her. ‘Of course I do,’ she said heatedly. ‘I need this job.’
‘I’ll pay—’
‘I don’t want your money!’ she yelled at him, furious that he’d reduced this to a transactional debate.
He didn’t look repentant. In fact, anger mottled his skin. ‘You know I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘There’s no other meaning to it. What exactly would you be paying me for?’
He clenched his teeth. ‘Merle—’
‘Ask me for more, Ash.’ She’d lost it and now her most desperate wish poured out. ‘Ask me for all my firsts.’
An endless second of silence followed. He looked shell-shocked. And as he shook his head, he barely breathed. ‘I never should have—’
‘Don’t even start with that. Don’t pretend it meant more to me than it did to you.’ She sizzled with sudden certainty. ‘You want more too but it terrifies you,’ she said. ‘That’s why you’re running away. But too bad, Ash. Because here it is and you have to listen anyway. I want more. I want you. I want everything from you. With you.’ She clutched the back of the nearest deckchair to stop herself from shaking. ‘I want your first I love you.’ Her deepest wish broke free. Because she was damned certain he’d never said that to anyone. ‘That should be mine.’ She drew a fierce breath. ‘And you want to know why? Because I love you, Ash. I’ve totally fallen for you.’
‘Merle...’
The sorrowful but bitter rejection in his eyes stilled her. In an awful moment she realised just what she’d blurted out. There was no hiding. A horrible heat of humiliation swept up and smothered her. She was that naive fool all over again, believing that someone like him could ever be interested in her. Her anger seeped out because she’d taken a risk and lost. Because she’d humiliated herself. Because, despite that fact, she couldn’t believe that he didn’t feel this the way she did.
‘Don’t let him win, Ash,’ she muttered. ‘If you stay isolated? Never finding someone the way you should? Never having happiness and security? Never being loved and loving? That’s letting your father win.’
‘Merle...’
In the way he said her name she heard it all. The regret. The refusal. The rejection.
‘You told me to be honest,’ she chastised him bitterly.
Yet even though she hated this, she couldn’t regret the difference within her. She didn’t want to return to reticent, invisible Merle. She wanted to stay bold, stay ready to get stuck into life and love. Stay strong enough to make these stupid mistakes. Because maybe one day it wouldn’t be a mistake. She’d just wanted that day to be today. She wanted Ash.
‘You’re a romantic,’ he dismissed her. ‘And I’m an idiot for ever thinking you could handle this. I’m sorry.’
No. She rejected his assessment. She was not Rose. She wasn’t hoping—imagining—there was more to this than there really was. She’d seen it in his eyes. She’d felt it in his body as he’d moved in hers. And she was not letting him tell her otherwise.
‘You might deny your own feelings, but you don’t get to tell me my feelings aren’t real,’ she said. ‘This is special. What we have could be amazing. It is amazing.’ They were more than lovers. They were a match.
‘I have to leave.’
There was a pilot in that helicopter who could probably see her desperation in this pathetic scene in front of him, but Merle didn’t care.
‘You can’t. We’re still talking—’
‘There’s nothing more to say. There’s nothing here for me any more.’
Even though she didn’t believe him, she could see how badly he wanted to believe it. How badly he was fighting against listening to her. Fighting the tension within himself. It wasn’t easy. Which was why he’d arranged such an immediate escape. A quick goodbye because he was a coward. Because he wasn’t sure he could complete it?
Now he wouldn’t even look her in the eyes.
‘You told me I was too focused on seeing the good in people, that I didn’t want to consider how they’d treated me. That I avoided seeing that truth. But no one is as good at avoiding things as you are,’ she said angrily. ‘Why not face the problems, Ash? Why not try to fix them? Instead of hiding for ever and letting them grow so big they consume you? If you always run away, you’ll never find peace.’
Or love.
The waves of hurt kept coming as he didn’t acknowledge her words. He just moved, picking up the small leather carry-all from the deck and stepping away. It was shockingly, unnecessarily sudden.
‘You’re the one who can’t handle this,’ she said. ‘You’re the one eternally isolated by fear.’
His shoulders stiffened. ‘I have to go.’
‘Kiss me goodbye, then, Ash.’ She hurled the challenge at him. ‘I dare you.’
His face paled, his jaw clamped—highlighting even more his spectacular angular cheekbones. Sharp, and angry, and barely controlled.
Silence screamed between them. She held his gaze as he stepped nearer. But the flare in his eyes gave him away. Or at least she hoped it did.
