Yeah, I told myself it’s cause I wanted to fuck him up, but there really was more to it than that. Same for that stud outside the “A” Club. Yeah, I wanted to hurt ‘em but I...I wanted to hold ‘em, too. I wanted ‘em to be mine. Couple of good-lookin’ guys, both of ‘em. An’ that made me happier to be after ‘em. Wantin’ ‘em. Needin’ ‘em. If that makes any sense. An’ that fuckin’ room. An’ it bein’ all set up to let me do whatever I fuckin’ wanted. An’ it bein’ so fuckin’ obvious it was just there for sex. It made me see what I was doin’ -- part of what I wanted to do -- was just be with ‘em. No matter what. An’ I didn’t care how much it was gonna fuck the guy up. ‘Cause mingled in with all of this was just how much I liked holdin’ a guy, even when I’m rapin’ him. An’ that’s fuckin’ nuts! What the fuck was wrong with me?! I...I...I’m straight! I’m fuckin’ straight!
Ain’t I?
Shit, before motherfuckin’ Paco an’ his boys did me in County, I’d only been with girls. Only liked girls. Only wanted girls. Never even thought about bein’ with a guy. I loved -- love the way girls move an’ smell an’ fit my hands an’ mold into my body. I loved -- love slippin’ my dick into their pussy an’ suckin’ their tits an’ screwin’ till dawn. Me an’ Connie, we could’ve wrote the book about sex between a man an’ woman. Hell, sometimes I could get off just lookin’ at a chick if she was pretty. Like Connie. But since Mid-State...
Man, I gotta admit, after six years there -- I got to where I was just as happy with one of my punks. An’ yeah, I know, I know -- I was makin’ ‘em do things with me. But they still felt right. It all felt right. It felt just as real as with a girl. So does that make me a fag? Did Paco -- hell, did fuckin’ Mid-State turn me queer?
No. No, c’mon, Curt. There was that first time, remember? The first time you fucked a guy? You didn’t get off on it. I mean, you got off, but you didn’t get off. If that makes any sense.
Yeah. Yeah, it does. ‘Cause when it happened, it wasn’t somethin’ I’d exactly planned on. I’d been workin’ in the laundry six months when a couple brothers grabbed this fresh meat -- not even a kid; a guy in his thirties sent up for embezzlement, I think, but he was white an’ the brothers love to nail white guys. They dragged him behind the machines an’ this one buck -- Shamar? -- saw me saw ‘em doin’ it. He told me if I kept quiet, I could have a turn.
I was still livin’ off my right hand, at that time, so I wasn’t all that up for it. So I just said, “It’s all between you guys.”
Shamar smirked an’ said, “C’mon, Curt, ain’t ya even gonna try it out? I mean, shit, in here it don’t mean shit.”
“‘Cept to the guy who’s bein’ punked.”
“He’s ain’t no guy, now; he’s what you call a commodity.”
That hit me as funny. I laughed an’ said, “You think if I go back there an’ get distracted, you can make me a commodity, too?”
“Shit, man,” he snarled in a nothin’ way, “if I did that, I’d have to kill ya. An’ you’re white, so it’d be the needle for me, but if I didn’t kill ya, I’d have to watch my back the rest of my time in. I seen how you work, how quick you caught on to this place. It’s like you was born to it, man, so you’ll catch ont’ this, soon enough.”
“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothin’, man. You don’t wanna do it, now, that’s cool. They’s waitin’ for me.”
He started behind the machines but I stopped him. My last couple of yank sessions hadn’t been all that satisfyin’, I had to admit, an’ now he had my curiosity up.
“Wait, wait...you tellin’ me it really helps. Gettin’ off like that?”
“Why you think we doin’ it?”
“Fuck whitey the only way you can.”
His eyes got cold. I got ready for him, just in case. But then he thought about it an’ laughed.
“Curt, you got too much fuckin’ mouth on you.”
“Man, you sound like my mom bitchin’ at me.”
He laughed even harder then motioned for me to join him.
“C’mon, bro’, why don’t you try it out? No other way t’ know if it’s gonna help or not. An’ tell you what -- I’ll even let you pop his cherry.”
“I dunno, man...“
“You don’t pop it, I will. An’ it’d be better for him if you break him in.”
“Bullshit, I’ve seen you in the shower.”
“But you ain’t seen me in action mode. It ain’t how it starts out; it’s how it ends up.” He swung his hips around, laughin’. “Get it?”
I just rolled my eyes, shook my head, gave it a second more’s thought...an’ went back there with him.
The guy was face down on the floor in this area that was just a bit wider than the passageway -- close to where I took that guard a few years later -- an’ it was takin’ four of
