"right woman" for the Jerry-type confirmed bachelor.
I met Jerry while I was directing sexual research at The Project. I was a frequent "guest expert" on his show, and we became platonic friends. One night, after his show, we were having dinner
together at a restaurant near his TV station. When I asked Jerry the same question everyone asked him,
"Why hasn't the right woman come along?" he felt he could trust me. He spelled it all out.
It turns out Jerry had a secret, but he was so embarrassed about it that he could never tell anyone.
Wringing his hands between stabbing at his fillet of sole, Jerry whispered his deep dark secret to me:
"Sometimes when I'm in bed with a woman, I fantasize I'm the woman and she's the man. She takes charge and seduces me."
"So?" I said. "What's the big deal?"
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"The big deal is," he said nervously, looking around to make sure no one could hear him, "I picture myself wearing her clothes." He put his fork down and buried his face in his hands.
"Jerry, it's not that bad. That's a very common fantasy," I told him. His grateful smile was my reward for my exaggeration. Over the next few hours, Jerry loosened up and told me everything. He said that, whenever he goes out on a date with a woman, he throws out a few hints to see how she might react.
For instance, sometimes he'd look at his date's high-heeled shoes and say, "Hey, those are great-looking shoes. How do you think I'd look in them? Ha ha ha."
Jerry scrutinizes her reactionvery carefully . If she happens to say something like, "Oh, you'd took awful!" that actually
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shuts off Jerry's erotic interest in her. However, if she responds,
"Not bad," he considers that a good reaction and stays interested in her. If she says something further like,
"Oh, you'd look very pretty in high-heeled shoes,"
Jerry says he goes crazy with desire for her. That's how arbitrary some men's sexuality is!
A Huntress often turns a man off by failing to respond in a particular way to his sexual hints.
However, if the woman has no experience or knowledge in the area of offbeat fantasies, she can't be expected to give the right response.
The kinky stuff we've all read about in the tabloids and heard giggled about on the TV talk shows is baffling. Many people think all the men who want to play unusual sex games are a bunch of wackos who should all be locked up. What they don't understand is that it's not black-and-white, kinky or not kinky.
Many men have traces of unconventional desires—
not strong enough, or desperate enough, to make them go on a national talk show and humiliate themselves in front of the nation, but strong enough to hold out marrying a woman unless she accepts his kinky twist.
Jerry told me that, if his datedoesrespond positively to his hints, he takes things one step further. After several times in bed with his new woman, he'll suggest one night they do role reversal. "Tonight,"
he'll joke, "you be the guy and I'll be the gir ll. Go ahead, seduce me!" Most of his girlfriends, Jerry said, take a halfhearted stab at it. "But," he told me, "I can tell if she's not enjoying it. And if she doesn't, well, I can't help it. Sexually, I lose interest in her.
Whenever I find the right woman who enjoys dressing me up in her clothes, I'll marry her in a minute.' He's not kidding.
There are millions of Jerrys out there. They don't all want to dress up in your clothes, but they want some very un-vanilla flavors in their dishes.
Why Do Jerrys Want Such Far-Out Sex?
As we've seen, like the rest of our personalities, practically all of our sexual needs and desires have their roots in childhood.
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Under analysis their origins often come out, but some men don't need analysis to trace their sexual fantasies to their roots.
Jerry remembers one time when he was about five years old. His big sister and several of her little friends stripped him down naked and dressed him up in their lacy underwear. He remembers looking down at himself in girls' pretty panties and seeing a little bulge, his first erection. Jerry was humiliated by being controlled by the girls, but he loved the attention. It scarred his Lovemap forever.
Huntresses, keep your ears especially tuned to pick up hints of fantasy games involving control. This dominance/submission game is the most common exotic bud in men's secret gardens. It surprises many people but the truth is that, between the two, being submissive is a far more prevalent craving.
For women who have traditionally taken a more yielding role, being sexually submissive is no big deal. The classic "being taken" fantasy—the handsome stranger whisking her away in the middle of the night to his castle and having his way with her—is not embarrassing. However, if a man should have the concomitant fantasy of a strong woman tying him up to the bedpost and having her sexual way with him, he is mortified.
Why are fantasies of control so prevalent? Most little boys experience their first sexual pleasure early in life when Mother is still the center of the universe. As an infant, Mother bathes him, changes his diapers, spanks him, powders his little penis, and gives him enemas and all sorts of other intimate, unmanly attentions. Although Mother is his protector, she is also his first authority figure, his dictator. She punishes him when he does wrong. He is helpless and completely at her mercy, but he feels in his little heart that he has her undying love. Therein lies a great security.
As an adult, away from the control and protection of Mother, a man is left alone. All
