They shut me up and invalidated me. I don’t think it was intentional at all, on the contrary, I think it was meant to help, but that’s what happens to people who have been abused. They've been muted by their abuser AND society.
Yes. There was good. Yes. I loved him. BUT HE ABUSED ME. Mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, and physically.
Now that I am finally free of the control I gave him, and finally at a place that I’m getting more comfortable talking about it, they suggested I stop talking about it.
I never could talk about it. All those years, I kept silent because I couldn’t tell anyone.
And this made me revert right back to what I used to do, thinking I was in the wrong to speak of it.
I AM TIRED OF BEING SILENT!
I don't want anyone who’s ever been through trauma and abuse to ever feel invalidated or not heard.
I HEAR YOU. I AM YOU.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do from here, other than continue sharing my journey and God knows. He’ll lead me there when it’s time, just like He led me to start a group that led to this book.
I told a good friend of mine I was almost sad that I had finished my story. Or at least the biggest parts of it. He said that was normal.
I can’t tell you how good it feels to be free from the mask I’ve worn for so long.
Did you know?
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner. 12 million people PER YEAR are affected by DV. 12 MILLION. That’s a staggering statistic isn’t it? Even more staggering, almost ½ of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression.
That means we probably all know someone affected. And that means there are more people like me out there, who haven’t shared their story yet. Who don’t know how. Who are being silenced.
People who have spent years perfecting their cover story so no one will know. Who refuse to believe they are part of the statistics. Who think it’s normal. Who live in fear or believe they don’t deserve a better life.
I would love to find a way to break the silent barriers put up through biases we unconsciously carry around (mostly how society perceives victims as weak). I want them to have a voice. I want them to be heard, but mostly, I want them to feel loved. Safe. Unjudged. Protected.
It’s funny, as I read and reread this, I can CLEARLY see that every time I went back to Jerry, my life went to shit (yes I said that).
I can also see where my family NEVER gave up on me. NEVER.
My sisters and my daughter WILLED me to be the person they used to know. They prayed for me, and they believed in me. I can NEVER put into words how grateful I am for their love and their patience while I got well. Not just physically either. Emotionally, spiritually.
If I think back to my childhood, all my warm, fuzzy, happy, memories revolve around being with them. Anticipating their arrival to our family function with their families. THAT is where I felt “home” was. With them. Around them. I still get giddy when I know I’m going to get to see them. We are all scattered around now. I’m blessed to have my own little family in the same house as me. God knows what we need, ALL the time.
But…. I disappointed them. I lied to them (and myself). I worried them. I hurt them. Yet, they never left my side. They may have been upset with me, and rightfully so, but they loved me. In the same way Jesus loves ALL of us. We screw up, we make mistakes, He meets us where we are.
I saw this quote and it really hits home for me. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is so accurate.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.”
Read it again! Doesn’t that sum it all up? It’s a never-ending process this forgiveness journey. I still feel such shame and guilt and I KNOW that God does not want me to feel this way, but when you’ve hurt people, intentionally or not, people you love and value so much, I don’t know that it will ever go away. It’s a constant reminder to stay on this path, keep moving forward. Keep getting better.
I don’t think my story will change the world, but I hope it helps someone know they aren’t alone.
And now that you know my story, how do you feel? Sad for me? Because then I have missed the point. I want you to feel inspiration. I want you to feel joy. I want you to know that happiness is possible.
Prologue
My best time for inspiration is when I have alone time with God, most of the time that’s my relaxing bath time. But hey, it works for me. And I feel led when I’m giving Him my all.
Someone asked me, not long ago actually, what I hoped to do after this. And my response was to educate in multiple ways.
For me, that begins with being okay with sharing my story with more people, you know, like my family. Some of them are in this group, but not all. I’m scared.
But I owe it to them and ME to be honest.
I will start small, like maybe one sister, then the other. My daughter is who I most worry
