Hi, she signed. Are you making tea?
I nodded. Want one?
Please, I’ve barely stopped all day. She gave me a grin and went off to get changed as I got her a mug out of the cupboard. By the time the drinks were made she was back, regaling me with a tale about her day. I nodded in the right places, but I found my attention drifting so I missed the point of one story and had to ask her to repeat herself.
What’s wrong, Paige? she asked, with a concerned frown. Is it about the fire? Is that man okay?
I had told her the basics about Lukas and the fire that morning before she left for work, but not yet about Max asking me to move in with him, which was still playing on my mind. I shook my head.
The pressure of everything I’d been worrying about, Max’s question and Lukas’s refusal to defend himself, suddenly bore down upon me and I burst into tears. Anna jumped up from her seat and wrapped her arms around me, holding me until the flood had subsided.
Once I’d calmed down a bit, she stepped back so she could sign.
What’s happened?
I swallowed, wondering what to tell her first. Anna and Max had had a mixed relationship over the last year, and the two of us had only really just got settled into living together again. I didn’t want to upset her by making her worry about me moving out and leaving her alone, especially when I didn’t know what my answer was going to be. But she was my sister, and I knew if anyone could help me figure out what I wanted, it would be her.
Max asked me to move in with him.
There was a pause, and I saw a range of emotions passing over Anna’s face. She looked me in the eye and tilted her head on one side.
Why has that made you cry?
Because I don’t know what to say, what to think, I replied, throwing my arms out to the sides. I’m happy with the way things are. I was happy. But this has completely thrown me off guard. I wasn’t expecting it.
Really? she asked, an amused frown on her face. Ever since Christmas he’s been making little comments about how nice it would be if you didn’t have to keep going between his flat and here, or how he’d like to share more things with you. And that’s just what he’s said in front of me. Surely in private he’s floated the idea before now?
I sat with my mouth open for a moment. Was Anna right? Had this been coming for a while now and I hadn’t noticed? I shook my head.
No, he hasn’t said anything about living together. I would have noticed.
She raised an eyebrow. Would you? You’ve spent quite a while sticking your head in the sand in the last year or so.
What’s that supposed to mean? I asked, trying not to get wound up.
I mean you put the brakes on at the beginning of your relationship with Max, because you were scared. And that’s understandable, because you hadn’t been with anyone since Mike, and that ended very badly. But even after you saw Mike again and stood up to him, you didn’t take on board how much you’ve changed. If you had, you probably would have moved in with Max ages ago.
I stopped myself from replying and tried to think about what she’d said. The first half was certainly correct – following a relationship that had been both emotionally and financially abusive, it had taken me a long time to trust anyone again, but being with Max had helped me to break down those barriers. And seeing Mike again last year had served to highlight the differences in the two relationships.
That was where my version differed from Anna’s, however. In the last few months I’d really felt like I was as open with Max as I could have been, and for the first time in a long time I felt like my old self again. He cared about things that were important to me, and as a result I was finding joy in my old interests again, even when I wasn’t with him. I’d worked hard to save money and pay off the last of the debts Mike had left me with, and I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel with regard to my financial situation. Being with Max had possibly served to make me more independent and resilient, enjoying our relationship but still growing as an individual rather than defining myself as one half of a couple. I thought it was positive; I thought it was healthy. But now everything was going to change.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want some of the things that come with a more serious relationship, including sharing a home and maybe more, but I just couldn’t picture having that with Max. I tried to explain this to Anna but I found myself going round in circles, tying my ideas in knots, until she held up a hand and asked me to stop.
Paige, do you want to move in with him? she asked, once again looking me in the eyes. I tried to hold her gaze but I felt uncomfortable with the scrutiny and soon looked away.
I don’t know. I like things as they are.
Everything changes, though, she told me. Nothing in life ever stays the same. Where do you see yourself in the future? Do you want the marriage and babies thing? Because I’m pretty sure Max does, and if you don’t see yourself going down that path you need to have a conversation with him about it pretty soon.
He’s asked me to move in with him, Anna. He hasn’t proposed; he hasn’t mentioned having kids. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
She sat back and narrowed her eyes at me. Okay. If it’s only about
