I couldn’t help but laugh at this. Gem was my best friend, and she and Anna were the ones who helped to get Mike out of my life for good. I knew they’d made things difficult for Max, because they had such high standards, but they had both warmed to him over time. Sometimes I thought Gem liked him more than I did, not that she’d ever admit to it.
The two of us sat in silence for a few moments. Part of me was starting to regret telling Anna about this, but I knew she was only asking the obvious questions. It wasn’t her fault that I wanted to avoid them. Maybe she was right, and I would have preferred to stick my head in the sand and ignore the possibility of taking my relationship with Max further.
I don’t really think about the future, I admitted, after a moment to get my thoughts together. I’ve been so focused on building up my reputation as an interpreter, paying off my debts, and just getting by, that I haven’t ever really stopped and thought about what I want next. Does that make sense?
She leant forward and squeezed my hand. So you have been thinking about the future, she pointed out. You’ve been building up a solid career, and you told me you’d like to start teaching BSL. That’s all future planning, Paige, you just haven’t mentally included Max in that future. But now he’s forced your hand, and you’re going to have to think about what you want. I’m sure he’s happy to wait for an answer, but don’t make him wait too long.
I sighed. I know. Okay, I’ll think about it. But the whole prospect of it scares me.
You can move in with him without selling this place, she replied. I can take over paying the mortgage, so if things don’t work out with Max you can just come straight back. It’s a commitment, but that doesn’t have to mean it’s forever.
You’re right, I know. It was my turn to squeeze her hand. Thank you.
It’s what I’m here for. But I do want to ask something, she signed, sitting back and giving me a mischievous smile. Did you see DS Singh today?
I felt my face colour slightly and looked away in an attempt to hide it. I did, actually. Why?
I just wondered if that might have influenced your indecision over moving in with Max.
What’s that supposed to mean?
She laughed. Oh, come on, Paige! You fancy Singh. And I know you, you feel like you can’t move in with your boyfriend if you feel like that about another man.
Don’t be ridiculous, I began, but she laughed even harder, and the more I tried to deny it the worse it got. Anna had dropped hints about Singh in the past, but I had thought it was just because she found him attractive herself, not because she thought I genuinely liked him. I had been aware of my own feelings for him for a while, but every time the thought floated into my mind I pushed it out again quickly. But now Anna was teasing me about it, I worried that my feelings had been more obvious than I’d realised. Had Max noticed? Had Rav? I squirmed with embarrassment at the thought, but now Anna had directly accused me I knew I couldn’t keep denying it.
Okay, fine! I gave in. I might fancy Singh. Is that better? Are you happy now I’ve admitted it?
Anna stared at me for a moment, then punched the air. Yes! You finally said it! I thought you’d never confess.
Look, it’s no big deal, I told her. I mean, he’s a nice guy and yes, I find him attractive, but I’m with Max.
But you still don’t want to move in with Max, because you have feelings for Singh. She waggled her eyebrows at me expressively.
No, I replied, trying to stay calm and not rise to her bait. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that step yet.
Paige, you’re my sister. I know you better than anyone else, and I know there’s a part of you that feels guilty for fancying Singh when you’re in a relationship. And that guilt will be part of what’s holding you back from moving in with Max. I started to reply but she cut me off. No, I haven’t finished. It’s normal to have crushes, Paige. Nobody expects you to never be attracted to anyone else ever again. That’s not how human beings work.
I promise you, Anna, that’s not the issue. I don’t feel guilty about it, I lied.
Okay, if you don’t feel guilty, what is it? Is it that you think you made a mistake? Do you want to break up with Max and go out with Singh? Because if that’s the case, you need to do it now to avoid hurting Max too much.
I flexed my hands for a moment in a sign language equivalent of spluttering, until I realised what I was doing and stopped. Looking down at the table, I thought about my sister’s probing words. On some level, she was right. Even after a year with Max, I wondered if he was the man I really wanted to be with. Until now, I was able to just carry on with our relationship, having a bit of emotional denial when I saw Singh a few months ago, but it was possible to ignore it. If I committed to Max, however, I would have to be certain it was what I wanted.
I told Anna as much. You’re right. I don’t know what I want. That’s why I’m wound up about Max asking me to move in with him.
She moved round to my side of the table and gave
