We argued now over stupid things. I was also moody a lot of the time, which I think then put him in a mood, but I couldn’t help it. In previous relationships I had been a quiet little mouse, didn’t dare to answer back, never argued; just accepted everything the other person said and apologised, even if it wasn’t my fault, but that got me nowhere. This relationship was different. If I disagreed with something, I would say it, hence why we argue, but I think it is healthy to argue a bit, isn’t it? Edward definitely bought out my fiery side.
Going back to the whole affair thing, I felt like he wasn’t there for me any more. He constantly disagreed with every word I said. if I said the sky was blue, he would say it wasn’t. Could he be seeing someone at work? He was doing all of this overtime.
That’s how we met, through work. I knew of him to say hi to but thought he was a bit of an arsehole, thought a bit highly of himself. I did fancy him but didn’t think he would ever look twice at me. It just so happened that one day I had taken patients for so many X-rays that we got to talking. He was not like I thought at all. He was ambitious, kind, funny and just so easy to talk to. I felt like I had known him years and for the first time ever I did not want to leave work, as I wanted to still talk to him. That shift changed everything for me. That’s what made me scared. What if the same thing had happened with someone else? Maybe he was just trying to find the right time to tell me. Do I just ask him?
I wasn’t enjoying life at that moment. There was a time when I could tell Edward anything, but lately things had changed. I had been scared to speak to him as I didn’t know how he would react.
Spence was there for me yet again to cry on his shoulder and comfort me by holding me close and kissing me again on the head, as he had been all them years before, after I told him about Malcolm; he didn’t judge me and had been the only one really there for me lately as couldn’t speak to mum and dad could I? Was I doing the right thing marrying Edward? Was he the one I should be with? Spence made me feel alive and had been there for me when I needed someone the most. He always seemed to be there. Lately Edward had been distracted and I felt he had gone off me. Anyway, so what if he was having an affair and would leave me eventually anyway?
Was I meant to be with Spence instead?
Maybe it was just doubt. Did everyone go through this, thinking maybe we weren’t meant to be together. Were we supposed to get married? This was for life. I wanted him to be my first and only husband, so it needed to be right. Lately it had become apparent how different we were, and would this get harder if we decide to have children? Who knows?
I knew I couldn’t carry on like this as I would have ended up having a breakdown, as I felt the lowest that I ever had. So, I just asked Edward outright at breakfast one morning about how he was feeling about us and if he did still want to marry me. I had to know as I had so much going on in my head. I was waiting for him to say he had met someone else or that he didn’t want to be with me any more but he said the opposite to my surprise. If only I had spoken to him sooner and didn’t just assume how he was feeling by his actions. He said he didn’t want me to have to be under any more stress than I already was.
The new healthy lifestyle is so he looked good for when we got married and he was in a healthier place for if we did have children and all of the overtime and the extra training was to be able to earn more money to pay for the wedding.
I felt so bad that I had doubted him and wished I had confronted him sooner. Why did I always think the worst of men? Probably due to the fact that my dad had lied to me for twenty-eight years and my real dad was a paedophile. I needed to stop letting men from my past affect my future, I put Spence to the back of my mind.
He did still want to get married but we were going through so much then that he thought it best to take one thing at a time. He said it didn’t matter when we got married, but we needed to do what was best for us and he wished I would just talk to him more rather than letting things build up and then, over something stupid like running out of toilet roll, it became a massive argument. Being open and honest with each other and making time for each other had made such a difference. I felt so much happier in myself.
We had already pretty much sorted out everything for our traditional wedding and it was now less than ten months away. I had
