Edward was only was doing the whole big wedding for me anyway. My immediate family had been so excited, counting down the days. I just felt that if we decided to take the leap and bugger off, we were going to be letting so many people down. But at the end of the day, it was our wedding. Did we just go through with all of our plans and make everyone else happy or should we actually do what we wanted to do?
I read something that day that said: “Don’t feel bad for making decisions that upset other people. You’re not responsible for their happiness, you’re responsible for yours”. I must have read that a hundred times. My whole life I had done what other people wanted me to do. I never wanted to upset anyone and just did things to please other people, but then what happens is people walk all over you. For the first time, I could actually do something that I wanted for a change.
For the last three days Edward had been asking me if I had made my mind up. Like it was that simple. I couldn’t think clearly; my head was like scrambled egg. He couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Men totally think differently to women. He would just say forget about it, there is nothing you can do now. You will be talking to your mum and dad soon, so what’s the big deal. If it was only that, that had been playing on my mind. I thought he understood. But the last few days he had gone back to how he was being before I confided in him again. When I first told him about the abuse, he was so understanding, but was that because it was new in our relationship and nothing the other person says really bothers you as you are newly in love and love is blind. He had changed so much, I didn’t even know if marrying him at all was the right thing to do any more my earlier doubts reappeared again, as he was not there when I needed him the most. He even gave me a deadline until the end of the month to make a firm decision. If you don’t know me by now, I left it, of course, until the last minute, until D-day. In my head I had planned what I was going to do but these thoughts were not put into action. This is the story of my life lol. I thought the best thing to do would be to talk to my mum and dad first and see what their thoughts were on the whole idea, but it was hard. Due to what had happened our relationship wasn’t the same; although I was finally speaking to them again, it was hard not to without telling everyone else the truth and I didn’t want everyone to know as this would be the talk of the town. At this rate there would not even be a wedding as we may have even split up before then due to stress. This had caused so much tension between us. I only planned to get married once, but I suppose every bride said that. You do not get married to think that you will get divorced one day.
With ten months to go we had decided to cancel the wedding. You would think I would be happier that at least that was one less thing to think about, but maybe having to focus was keeping me sane.
I am not going to lie; with everything going on it had caused a massive strain on mine and Edward’s relationship. Things had been great for a couple of weeks after our talk we went back to how things use to be having sex every night but now things had gone back to how they were before but I thought it must be me. I was hard to live with and everything he seemed to do or didn’t do would irritate me and, instead of letting it go, I had to make a massive deal about it which then ended up in an argument. I even said that I had changed my mind about the wedding, to just to cancel it full stop. Of course, I didn’t mean it. I was frustrated not just sexually. He was the closest person to me, so I was taking everything out on him, as I still didn’t know if we had made the right decision. Yes, we would be saving money but at what cost. We bickered constantly. I kept having doubts in my head, too, that I had made the wrong decision. Should we even be getting married if we had such different outlooks on things? He seemed to be carrying on like it was not a big deal, but it was.
Our wedding was cancelled. We just needed to start letting everyone know now.
So, venue cancelled, registrar cancelled, photographer cancelled; that was the three main things done. Things were in motion, no changing our minds now as deposits had been lost. I still hadn’t told everybody yet. I told my immediate family and close friends. Spencer was shocked
