Then she flicks the lights on and off to get my attention.
I stare up at her through the tears.
“Don’t lose your shit yet,” she says to me with determination. “I’m going to go to CVS and get you a pregnancy test. After you take the test, if it’s positive, we’ll figure out what to do. Okay? Come here.” She holds her hand out and I place mine in hers. She leads me out of the bathroom and to the bed, making me lie down. She hands me a pillow to hold onto. I cradle it like I used to do to Frank, our old golden retriever who died the day after my parents announced their divorce. Then she leaves and I’m all alone.
It feels like my sister is gone forever. In the time that passes I text Everly just to see how she is, wanting so badly to tell her what’s happening, but I don’t want to ruin her weekend trip, especially as I don’t know what’s what. I don’t want her to think less of me yet.
But I already think less of myself. For getting myself into this mess, for being so sloppy and careless, for basically fucking myself over just to be with Anders.
And Anders…what the hell am I going to tell him? He’s already being distant, this will only push him further away, all the way back to Norway probably. He won’t want any part of this, any part of me. I’ve seen a few girls in my grade actually get pregnant in hopes of keeping the guy, and it never ever works.
My sister comes back before I can get totally worked up, even though I shed a few more tears in the meantime. She plops the plastic bag beside me and takes out a bottle of Pedialite, some anti-nausea medication, and two pregnancy tests.
“You taking one too?” I joke feebly as I try to sit up.
Hannah is not in the joking mood. “We have to make sure. Now come on.” She pulls me to my feet and gives me a box. “Go in there, follow the instructions. No matter the result, we’ll try again. Okay?”
It sounds simple enough.
I go in the bathroom, read the instructions, pee on the stick and wait.
The longest wait of my life just to see two pink lines pop up.
I wail, “Hannah!” and she comes barging in. I shake the stick at her, crying.
“Try again, try again,” she says, refusing to touch the stick.
She closes the door again, and the second result is the same as the first.
I’m pregnant.
* * *
I manage to keep my pregnancy between me and Hannah all week. It’s hard. I end up skipping my morning classes on Tuesday because I was throwing up too much, but thankfully it stops when I’m at school. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea; everyone is so quick to spread rumors and I already feel like they’re all talking behind my back anyway, because Anders is never around school anymore, let alone around me.
Not that I’ve texted him, or even Everly, all that much. Hannah made an appointment for me with the doctor tomorrow, Saturday, that way I don’t have to miss any school. I’m scared to death, but I know that we’re just going to do more tests and talk about our options. I just wish this was a dream, that this was happening to someone else. I keep thinking that if I try hard enough I can move back time with my mind. Or that I can just slap my face or pinch my skin or shake my head hard enough and things will go back to the way things were.
But it never happens. It doesn’t change. This is my reality now.
And I’ve never felt so alone.
Although, thank god for Hannah. She’s really stepped up and we’ve become closer in many ways. She’s not a substitute for my mother and she doesn’t want to be, but I know I’d be totally lost without her.
“Shay,” Everly says from behind me as I close my locker. One more class and then the weekend begins. Oh joy.
I turn around to face her with an apologetic look on my face, expecting her to give me shit for being distant and weird all week. But that look fades once I see how upset she looks. This isn’t about me.
Is it?
“What’s up? You okay?”
She shakes her head slowly, blinking. “Okay. Good. You haven’t heard yet. I wanted you to hear it from me. I just heard and I had to find you and tell you.”
My heart drops into my stomach.
“What?” I whisper. “Did someone die?”
“No. But you’ll wish someone did.” She takes in a deep breath and then looks around her in the hall. “There was a rumor…I heard it this morning, but I didn’t want to believe it. Jenny Bishop told me. She said she heard it from Meghan Stovell. Meghan is friends with Jen.”
“Jen Bishop.”
“No. Jen Brown.” Our friend, Jen Brown, who stopped hanging out with us around Christmas, who started dating Everly’s ex, Jeff. Yeah. It was a bitch move.
“What are you talking about? What about her?” I ask.
Everly rubs her lips together and then leans in. “Jen’s been sleeping with Anders.”
My heart stops.
“What?!” I shout.
Mr. Hill, the history teacher, stops and gives us both a warning look. “Don’t you girls have class?”
I barely pay him any attention. My heart does a free fall through my lungs, my gut, right through me. I can’t breathe. Anger and sorrow are tearing me apart like wolves fighting over a carcass. “No,” I whisper, leaning against my locker. “That can’t be right.”
“It’s true. I confirmed it with Jeff. They broke up. He caught them…”
I shake my head. “No. Anders wouldn’t do that to me…” But I’m immediately flooded with images of them together. Jen is blonde and skinny and tough as nails. Actually, she’s a bitch, in the way she’s super mean to the girls but
