And so, he won’t find out.
I’ll keep this a secret, between me, and Hannah, and Everly.
And I’ll figure out some way to move on from Anders.
I just have to confront him first.
I stare at myself in the mirror, breathing in deep through my nose, trying to steel my nerves. I let the anger flow because it is better to be angry than sad. Anger I can work with.
I burst out of the bathroom, feeling like a million bucks, fueled by vengeance. “Let’s go.”
Since we’re not planning on drinking or staying at the party for long, Everly drives us over to Doug’s house. It’s on the outskirts of town, so it takes a bit to get there, and by the time she pulls her car down the cul-de-sac, people haphazardly parked everywhere, I’m trying to fight down a wave of nausea again. I’m so nervous and angry and sick, I’m not sure what to do with myself and I’m second-guessing everything.
God, I hope Jen isn’t here. I’m not a violent person and my hand still hurts from punching the locker earlier, so I can’t imagine punching someone in the face. But I’m so angry, I don’t know what I’m going to say, and Jen is one of those chicks who loves fighting other girls. Looking back, I’m not really sure why Everly and I were friends with her to begin with. I guess she just seemed cooler than us. Turns out, she wasn’t. She was just a bitch.
“We can go back home,” Everly says to me as she puts the car in park.
I shake my head, holding my fists so tight that my nails make marks in my palms. “No. Let’s go in. I’m fine.”
All a lie, of course.
We get out of the car and head across the street. Music is thumping, there are some people I recognize making out on the porch. The neighborhood is quiet and though the other houses aren’t that close, it probably won’t be long until the party is shut down.
We go inside, Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” blasting, and I swear everyone is looking at me. I know I always think that, but this time I know they are. They whisper to each other behind their red plastic cups, and I hear someone go, “Holy shit, Shay is here.”
Which means everyone already knows that Anders cheated on me with Jen Brown.
I can see it in their eyes. The pity. They all feel sorry for me.
I raise my chin and pretend like I don’t care.
“Shay,” Erin Spence, who I have math with, comes over to me. I don’t think she’s ever talked to me before. “What are you doing here?”
I give her a nasty look, enough that she shrinks back a little. “I’m friends with Doug.”
“No, I know, but…” she leans in. “Anders is here. I heard what happened…”
“Where is he?” I ask, my teeth grinding together.
She nods toward the sliding door in the dining room that leads to the backyard.
I glance at Everly over my shoulder and her eyes go wide. Perhaps she didn’t think that the first thing I’d do would be to seek out Anders, but I’m not here to mingle and I’m not fucking around.
I march past Erin, past the group of guys who go “Oooooh noooooo here she comes!” and through the dining room, pulling open the sliding door, Everly on my tail.
Outside there’s just a few people milling about, drinking, laughing, and then I see Anders talking to Ted Lee, in what appears to be a deep, drunken conversation.
Everything in me stills. Anders has this hazy look in his eyes and he still hasn’t looked over at me yet. I watch him for a moment, conscious of the crowd of people at my back, wishing I could be alone with him.
More than anything, I wish I could turn back time. Wish I could go back to when I felt Anders pull away, wish that I could have done something, anything, to stop him from sleeping with someone else. I wish we could go back to the early days, when we were so in love, when we didn’t need anything except each other.
My heart is torn open and bleeding for him and nothing will ever be the same.
Finally, Anders lifts his head. Looks at everyone.
Looks at me.
Shame washes across his brow.
And the anger inside me rears its ugly head.
Before I know what’s happening, I’m walking across Doug’s lawn toward Anders. Marching, actually. A broken-hearted girl with so much pain to give.
“Anders!” I bark at him, and someone in the background goes “ooooh” but I don’t even care anymore if people are watching. Let them see.
Ted looks at me fearfully, probably because of the violence on my face, and he quickly steps aside, walking away from Anders, deserting him.
“Shay,” Anders says, his voice making me unravel further.
I can’t stop myself.
I walk right up to him and SLAP him hard across the face.
He stares at me, stunned.
My palm stings.
Adrenaline rushes through me.
Behind us, the crowd lets out a quiet gasp.
“How dare you!” I scream at him. “How dare you sleep with her? How dare you do that to me!”
And then I slap him again, harder this time.
His mouth drops open, his hand going to his cheek.
I’m breathing hard, trying not to cry, my chest collapsing on itself.
And I’m staring at him, waiting for him to say something, to tell me why. We’re all waiting for it.
But he doesn’t say anything. The look of guilt and shame grows heavier on his brow and he just shakes his head slightly.
“What!?” I yell, throwing my hands out. “What is it? Tell me something! Anything!”
He swallows hard. “I’m so sorry.”
I blink, my face hot. “That’s it? You’re sorry? That’s all I get?”
His eyes grow wet. “I fucked up. I fucked up, Shay, and I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks.
Not good enough.
I’m this close to telling him that I’m pregnant, to really rub that in. But I don’t want my classmates to know. They’d judge me. They’d especially
