‘Oh, for God’s sake, Beth! I almost fell for that. Ha ha.’
I watch as he leaves, and a strange sensation stirs inside me.
I must be careful there.
Chapter 42
BETH
Now
The wind whips up as I head down the lane. I pull up my hood to shield from it – and anyone that I might see along the way. Some fallen leaves ahead of me lift and swirl, creating a vortex. I stand still watching the mini tornado, fascinated, thinking how this is a good representation of my life right now.
The hum of an approaching car pulls me out of my trance and I quickly back up to the wall to let a Land Rover go by. The passenger cranes his neck as it passes, staring at me. I don’t recognise him or the vehicle. Does he know who I am? Whose wife I am? I suppose I should get used to this kind of paranoia. I’m tempted to take my phone out of my pocket and snap a photo of the number plate, but the Land Rover disappears before I can process the thought and put it into action. It was probably nothing anyway.
It’s the usual scene when I reach nursery, bar one exception. Still no Julia. Disappointment merges with concern. She might simply be ill, or avoiding me; but what if there’s more to it? An argument with Matt? She’d had a fair bit to drink when she opened up about him and about their relationship last night. It’s possible she picked a drunken fight with him when she got home. Could be why he gave me such a glare this morning.
My concern is thankfully short-lived as I see her walk out of the classroom. She obviously went straight inside – must have been talking to Zoey, rather than standing outside waiting with her usual group. Her face is practically hidden with oversized sunglasses, and, given the overcast weather, I hazard a guess she’s using them as a means of disguising her hangover – dark circles; bags; no make-up, perhaps.
‘Hiya, my little one,’ I say, as Poppy exits the building, Zoey directly behind her. Oh, God, something must’ve happened. ‘What’s the matter?’ My voice catches. I swallow hard.
‘You’re taking Jess Knight too today?’ Zoey says. Of course. She’s just checking before she allows Jess home with me. Nothing bad has happened.
‘Yes, Adam asked me earlier. He’s going to be delayed at work.’
‘I just need you to sign a form,’ she says. I follow her into the covered entrance, out of the wind, and scribble my signature to say I’ve had permission to pick Jess up. Then I take Poppy’s and Jess’s hands, one in each of mine, and walk to the gate. Both of them are excitable, which is lovely to see.
Luckily, I catch Julia before she crosses over. I only want a brief chat to check she’s okay.
‘Well, that was quite the distraction you offered me last night,’ I say lightly, grinning.
‘Gosh, wasn’t it?’ Julia leans forward and whispers, ‘Maybe one bottle would’ve sufficed.’ She flicks her hair behind one shoulder and turns away from me. ‘Catch you another time, Beth. Must run.’
I watch her hasty retreat, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m relieved she’s not off with me, but she was quick to get away, so not exactly friendly either considering our heart-to-heart last night. I think I’ll text her later; let her know I’m not going to say anything to anyone else. Put her mind at ease. She must be feeling embarrassed at having shared so much with me.
Back at the cottage, I set the girls up on the kitchen table with Play-Doh and a load of different cutters, ask Alexa to play my uplifting playlist, and begin to prepare their tea. For this moment in time, everything appears normal, carefree, and happy. I find myself loudly singing along to ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’, and like any good illusion, I feel the emotion, despite everything.
At spot on six, there’s a knock on the door.
‘Daddy!’ Jess shouts.
Adam hands me a bottle of wine as soon as I open the door. I let him in and take it from him, my eyes narrowing.
‘A little thank you,’ he says, in response to my questioning glance. ‘And I didn’t want you to feel guilty about drinking it, so I walked here so I could share a glass with you.’
‘Oh, really?’ I say. ‘I’m not sure about sharing.’
He gives a gentle shake of his head. ‘Well, obviously I’m only going to have one. I am the responsible adult after all.’
‘That’s what I thought.’
After Jess and Poppy have run around him for a few minutes, they go into the lounge to watch some telly.
‘I hope I’ve worn her out for you,’ I say. ‘Shall I pop the cork now?’ I don’t mention it’ll be my second evening in a row to drink.
‘Yes, do.’ He glances around, his eyes not settling on anything.
‘Everything all right?’ I ask.
‘Yes, sorry. I was just thinking how strange … disquieting … all this must be for you.’
I pour two small glasses and hand him one. ‘Disquieting.’ I nod. ‘Good word. Yep – it really is.’
‘You’re doing so well, keeping it all together, Beth.’ He tilts the glass to his lips and takes a sip.
‘Well, looks can be deceiving.’
Adam nods. ‘Very true. I’m sorry, I should’ve known better than to say something so stupid. Although I’m very good at stupid.’
‘It’s not a stupid thing to say – you’re right. To the outside world I’m coping. But we both know the exterior has to remain tough, intact, for our children’s sakes.’
‘How long have you been building that exterior?’
I frown. His expression leads me to think he’s not just referring to my current situation. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Tell me to get lost if you want to – but I get the impression it’s not a completely new construction.’
Heat rises into my cheeks. I scratch the
