‘All my life, probably,’ I say, shrugging.
‘A lifetime building barriers around yourself, and now the one man who you allowed to break through has let you down. That sucks. I’m sorry.’
I feel strangely protective of Tom suddenly. It’s okay for me to say he’s let me and Poppy down, but Adam saying it makes my skin prickle.
But I’m unable to find the words to defend him.
Adam keeps his gaze on me, his eyebrows knitted together. He’s leaning back against the worktop: the one Tom had me up against the last morning our lives were normal. Adam is waiting for me to say something.
I think my silence speaks volumes.
Chapter 43
The sex is hard, frantic. Perfunctory. No intimacy.
He’s in control. She’s not the focus of his fantasy, but she’s the vessel for it. She’d said no to the handcuffs; no to the ties. And the stockings. He doesn’t like being told no, but he quickly became aroused by it. Made her say it more.
‘No, No, NO!’
He’s quick to finish, which means her moment on top won’t last long.
He gets off her, but she senses his dissatisfaction. He picks up his jacket and straddles her again; places it over her face. Holds it firmly. Within seconds it becomes hot, claustrophobic. Denying him the usual ways has only made him more creative – he’s thinking outside the box.
She struggles against him as her air runs out. This is the part he really enjoys. The power of life or death in his hands.
He doesn’t take her to the brink this time, though.
He yells as he comes again. But it’s not her name that leaves his lips.
‘Sorry. Sorry. Sorry,’ he shouts, over and over.
He lies in her arms for ages after. Crying.
If only people realised what went on behind closed doors.
Chapter 44
TOM
Now
Maxwell seems to think Beth won’t come here to visit me. He’s finally spoken with her after trying to get hold of her for over a day. Why did she avoid him? Why is she avoiding me? I can’t believe she’d abandon me here alone. Without hope. She’s not like that. Not my Beth. She loves me. She needs me.
I cannot go to prison.
I need to be at home; I need to be a father and husband. Providing for my family – that’s my job. They are what keep me sane. Without them, I have no purpose; no reason to live this life.
It’s cold in this room tonight. Maybe it’s the fear of what’s ahead. Maybe it’s because of the ghost here with me.
They say I killed Katie Williams.
In that case, you’d think she would be the one haunting me, to ensure I get what’s coming to me; that she gets justice.
But the ghost is not her.
I pull the thin blanket up over my head, like a child afraid of monsters.
Only it’s me who’s the monster now.
Chapter 45
BETH
Now
‘I’d best be getting Jess off home. Thanks for having her,’ Adam says.
‘Thanks for the wine.’ I hold up my empty glass. How many have I had?
‘You’re welcome. Glad I could share one with you.’
‘It was good to have a chat; pass a bit of time at least.’ I refill my glass. ‘Shame to let it go to waste,’ I smile.
‘Will you be all right?’ A concerned look flits across Adam’s face. ‘I feel bad now, leaving you like this.’
‘Like what?’ I have a terrible feeling my words are slurring. I need to get a grip.
‘I’ve plied you with wine, talked about the most stressful thing in your life, and now I’m going. I’m so sorry.’
‘I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ve been left in worse states, believe me.’ I’m trying to make light of it, to make Adam feel better about leaving me, but I think I’ve made it worse by saying that. ‘Really. I’ll get Poppy to bed and follow suit. I could do with an early night.’
He hesitates at the kitchen door, one foot in the hallway. ‘I know it’s different circumstances but, you know, I actually felt pretty let down by Camilla too.’ He turns to look at me. ‘Don’t feel guilty about thinking Tom’s let you down.’
‘But Camilla didn’t …’ I’m about to say that it wasn’t Camilla’s fault she left them, it was a terrible accident. But I realise he’s right to be annoyed, in a way. She chose not to be strict with her allergy; she chose to take a risk here and there if a packet mentioned ‘may contain traces of nuts’; she got careless. She made decisions that ultimately affected Adam and Jess, and now, it’s becoming clear to everyone that Tom must have made bad decisions in his past. And that’s affecting me and Poppy. You don’t get charged with a crime unless you’ve done something.
‘Even those we love can hurt us, eh?’ I say instead.
‘Did Tom ever hurt you, Beth?’ He’s the most serious he’s been. I wonder why he’s asking this just as he’s about to leave.
‘Of course not,’ I say in a whisper. ‘Well, if you exclude the … you know.’ I give a jokey nudge and a wink.
‘No. I don’t know. What do you mean?’
Do I really need to spell it out to him? I assumed he’d get what I’m referring to. I’m suddenly too embarrassed to come out and say, the sex, Adam – so I carry on, in the hopes he’ll get my gist. ‘He likes to be … in control, and stuff. You know, normal married role play games, I guess.’ I wave a hand dismissively. Adam’s brows rise.
‘Yeah. I see,’ he says, turning away again to walk into the lounge to find Jess.
His tone tells me he doesn’t see at all. Maybe his marriage wasn’t all that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. The wine has already made my head light, my lips loose.
The girls
