I write “Yes” and turn another page. The next section is titled: “Tell us a little more about yourself.”
9. Are you a morning person or a night person?
♡ Morning person
♡ Night Owl
♡ It depends
I tick “Morning person.”
10. How active would you say you are?
♡ Very, staying fit is important
♡ I only exercise because I have to
♡ I don’t have much time to exercise, but I’d like to do it more often
♡ I’m a couch potato
Every morning I wake up at six to go run. I tick the first heart.
11. What’s your ideal vacation?
From the staggering number of multiple-choice options, I check camping, hiking, sports/activity holiday, mountain location, and adventure break.
12. How do you plan your vacations?
♡ I don’t, I pack and go
♡ I meticulously plan and schedule everything
♡ I arrange the dates and transportation, but I leave the rest to the moment
I’m a mix of two and three, but prefer to picture myself as a spur-of-the-moment guy, so I pick the last option.
13. If you had a day off work, what would you do?
I’d wake up nice and early and drive north to enjoy a good hike in the woods with my dog, Max.
14. Do you follow a particular diet?
♡ Omnivore
♡ Vegetarian
♡ Vegan
♡ Pescatarian
♡ Flexitarian
♡ Beegan
♡ Macrobiotic
♡ Paleo
♡ Keto
My eyes boggle at the overwhelming number of choices provided. Some I don’t even know what they mean. I check Omnivore and move on.
15. What do you like to watch on TV?
Sports, action movies, the news. I’m not much of a TV watcher, though.
After leafing through four more pages of—frankly useless—multiple-choice questions, I finally reach the last page which, to my horror, is all open-ended questions. Don’t tell me they’re going to make me write an essay? I thought I was done with those when I got my masters in psychology.
Is the third degree just for my Professional Matchmaker to read, or will potential dates read them, too? Should I try to be funny? Charming? I should’ve asked Garrett to explain more about this process. Clearly, he did something right, because he and Leslie are perfect for each other. Even if her taste in friends leaves something to be desired.
42. What are three of your best life skills?
I go with a charming and fun answer, just in case.
I wear socks that match—and, no, it’s not trivial since I don’t buy new socks often, which means I’m in a constant war with my socks-eating washer.
The ability to laugh at myself.
I’m good at helping people. With my job, I can ask a few simple questions and understand what problems a couple is struggling with and I can help them work on their relationship. I love watching people rediscover each other.
43. What is the ONE thing that people DON’T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
I’m funny
44. Why do you think you’re single?
Ah, good question, even if the answer seems obvious.
I haven’t met the right person
And finally, the last question.
45. What is the most important thing in your life?
Love. I want to find a partner for life. Someone to love and cherish and support no matter what and who will always have my back in return.
I’ve barely put a period on the last answer when the receptionist appears before me.
“Mr. Keller,” Teresa says, “if you’re finished with your questionnaire, I’d kindly ask you to join Jennifer, your dedicated Dating Specialist. Please follow me.”
She leads me to an office, where a blonde woman in her mid-forties—paper-thin and wearing too much makeup and fake tan for my tastes—welcomes me with a bright smile.
“Mr. Keller, what a pleasure to meet you.” She takes my questionnaire from Teresa and shows me the empty chair in front of her desk. “It’s always wonderful to get to know a new client.”
As she sits in her chair, she quickly scans the first and second pages of my Q&A. Once settled behind the desk, she continues. “I see a friend referred you to our agency. Would you mind me asking who?”
“Garrett Green,” I answer, wondering if she’s going to make me repeat all the answers I spent the last half hour painstakingly writing out.
“Oh, right, he and Leslie made such a delightful couple. How are they?”
“Recently engaged.”
“Aww, how wonderful. It always warms my heart to know we fostered such a dream match. Has Garrett by any chance already explained how our bespoke and exclusive matching system works?”
I wish she’d cut back on the sales pitch a little. I’ve already joined, haven’t I?
“No,” I say.
“All right. Let me explain our process. First, we’re going to study your questionnaire thoroughly and pull profiles of women in our system who might be a good fit for you based on your answers.”
“You mean you pick the matches? I don’t have to look at a database or something?”
“No, Mr. Keller, we leave that approach to online dating agencies or apps.” She infuses enough disgust in the word “app” to let me know exactly what her opinion is of the Tinders of the world. “The questionnaire you just filled out”—she taps the folder—“might’ve appeared overlong or silly, but I can assure you it’s been the secret to our success.”
“Okay,” I say, not entirely convinced. “You pull up a potential match, and then what? You show me the other person’s profile?”
“No, never. The answers you provided today are solely for the staff’s eyes. They’ll never leave this office.”
I groan inwardly. If I’d known that I wouldn’t have put so much effort into the open-ended questions. I mean, what’s the point if no one is ever going to read them?
“At what point do I actually meet someone?”
“Once we’ve selected a potential match, we’ll send you on a blind
