He looked at her over the top of his cup. ‘Baby is good. Baby safe. Baby inside you, so you must be kind to self. You must first love self to love baby.’
‘Myself? You think I need to be kind to myself?’ She looked at him in surprise. ‘What a funny thing to say.’
‘Not funny. Everything begin with self. Only when you love self can you make room in heart for love this baby and for love husband. You first be kind to self. Not angry.’
‘And you think I’m not kind to myself? You think I’m angry?’
‘Are you? You tell me, daughter.’
Evie thought for a moment. It was such an odd thing to say. The very idea of loving herself seemed peculiar. Vain. Unworthy. ‘In my religion we are taught to love God and love others. Not ourselves.’
He shook his head. ‘Only when love self can find space to love gods and love others. When we love self we can begin to make space in soul to show mercy and kindness to others without judge them.’
‘But my husband has betrayed me with another woman. You think I must forgive him? I mustn’t judge him?’
‘You not listen. First you must forgive self. Be kind to self.’
Evie remembered the brief conversation she had had months ago with Douglas when he had told her she was too hard on herself. Perhaps there was something in what this man was telling her now.
‘Only when love self can spirit make space for other soul,’ he repeated. ‘Space for husband soul to lie in your heart. When you do not love self you cannot love other.’
‘Gosh.’
‘Compassion come first. Love self. Then show mercy to other. Forgive. But must forgive self first before can forgive other. This is nature. This is how we live in nature at peace with all gods and all world.’
Evie put down her cup. It was such a lot to take in – and yet if she had understood correctly, so simple. ‘You have certainly given me much to think about.’
‘For husband and wife to live well together they must be Yin and Yang. Must accept and understand differences. Must live and let live.’ He got to his feet, bent forward in a bow to her. ‘Time you go. Remember, to make space in spirit for other soul must start with self.’
‘May I come again? I’d like to understand more.’
‘I am always here. But if you listen well, you no need. Listen to heart. Gods are everywhere and will speak to you.’
Outside, Evie blinked in the brightness of the day after the dark interior of the temple. She glanced at her watch and saw it was almost time for Benny to leave for the school, so she hurried all the way back to the house.
Her unexpected meeting with the Taoist monk had raised her spirits. His reassurance about her baby’s safety had oddly made a greater impression on her than had the doctor’s. He had sounded so sure, so certain. And his strange pronouncements about self-love made sense the more she thought about them. Meeting him had come at exactly the right moment and his words repeated themselves in her head as she walked along. Maybe she did need to forgive herself – for doubting herself, for belittling herself. For believing herself unworthy of being loved. She remembered the way Douglas had accused her of running herself down and making herself smaller. Yet perhaps today, in standing up for herself with Aunty Mimi, she was already beginning to learn that lesson. The words of the monk had both excited her and yet also made her rather afraid.
It was ironic that just as Douglas had admitted that he cared for her, Evie had no longer been sure she could ever feel anything for him again. The damage was too deep, the hurt too severe. And she didn’t want to admit it, but she knew that despite there being no possibility of ever being with Arthur Leighton, it was proving extremely difficult to stop herself wanting him and loving him. But stop she must. Douglas, Jasmine and the unborn baby were her life. She had to gather up the broken pieces of marriage and family and stitch them back together again. And if that meant stitching her self-respect back together that’s where she’d start.
21
The only person Evie told about her strange encounter with the Taoist monk was Mary Helston.
‘There’s a lot of wisdom among the Chinese,’ Mary said, ‘if only we listened to it. We British are all too quick to assume that we have all the answers and that other races and cultures are decidedly second-best with nothing to offer us.’
‘Are you religious, Mary?’
Mary thought for a moment. ‘I go to church. I believe in God. But I received little comfort from the vicar when Ralph died. I suppose I go more out of duty, and because it’s expected. But I feel closer to God when I enter a church outside of the services and just sit down and pray in silence. Or even don’t pray at all.’ She smiled. ‘To tell the truth, Evie, I find being somewhere like Penang Hill or walking along the beach I can just as easily talk to God. He doesn’t discriminate where He goes.’
‘That’s exactly what my monk said. He told me the gods are everywhere and you need to listen for them. I felt close to God talking to that monk. He was so quiet and gentle and … well, good I suppose. He seemed to think that we don’t need special buildings to find God. Better to look inside one’s heart and in nature.’
Mary tilted her head to one
