“You claim a woman that you can’t make your Old Lady? You fuck her bare in hopes she’ll get pregnant and realize you can’t even provide her a fucking home to live in? You do all that shit knowing that the Beasts, when it comes down to it, can’t truly protect her? All because you wanted some pussy?”
“If that’s what you’re doing with her, you need to stay gone, don’t go back,” Mountain growls.
I blink, my eyes widening and I jerk my chin toward him, because the fucker of it all, is that he’s not wrong. I do need to stay gone. I need to fucking run far and fast. Even if she has my baby, like Della, she’ll find someone better for her than me.
“It’s not,” I admit.
I can let them think a lot of shit about me, but for some reason I can’t let them think that all I wanted Pamela for was her cunt. I don’t want her to look bad. If I let them think that, maybe they’ll look at her differently, and I just can’t let that happen.
“But it doesn’t matter either. I can’t provide for her, and I fucked her over by acting like I could. I’m a selfish fuck.”
“You think you can’t provide for her? Think it matters to her?” Dragon asks.
My body jerks and I try not to be a smart-ass, but it’s really fucking hard not to be. “I know I can’t. I’m fucking broke. Got no income, no future income. No place to live. I don’t have shit and I’ll never have it, brother, and you know that.”
“Just fucking tell him,” Mountain snaps. “He’s fucking pathetic looking.”
Nobody says anything right away. They all watch me as if I’m a caged animal in a zoo. I grind my teeth together, gnashing them as I wait for whatever it is they’re about to tell me. They watch me in silence. Still, nobody says a fucking word, and I’m at the breaking point of losing my shit when Dragon clears his throat.
“Eagle came to us. Says he wanted to put it to a vote after we get back,” he begins. “There’s more, but I don’t think you’re ready for it.”
Fuck.
This is it, this is when I get kicked out completely. I lick my lips, wondering if I can handle it, if I can find work outside of the club. I’m almost forty years old and I’ve never worked an actual job my entire life. The club is all I’ve ever known.
I don’t know if I can survive in society.
If I fail it’s not just me I’m failing, it’s Pammy too.
“Nobody’s ready to make you a full-fledged voting member yet. It hasn’t been long enough,” he says. My chest puffs up and I hold my breath as he continues. “However, like to sit down, iron out some details. See about getting you paid, about giving you some more responsibilities. Can’t come to church anytime soon, can’t do much, but everyone is in agreement that you’re trying.”
“I am,” I say.
Nodding my head, I clear my throat, then look between the men watching me. They’re waiting for my response and I have a feeling they think it’s going to be huge, but that’s just not me. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I inhale a deep breath before I let it out.
“I’m trying. I want to claim Pamela, I want to brand her, if you’ll let me. I want to give her the life that she deserves. I want my family back.”
Admitting the last few words aloud is hard. I’ve never actually said that before, told them that they’re my family, but they are. These men are exactly that. Family. And I took them for granted, I also took the club for granted.
I’ve fucked up just about every way possible a man could fuck up and because these men are my family, they’ve been able to give me another shot.
A shot that I don’t deserve.
“You’ll get it, Jag. If it’s what you want and you prove it to us, you’ll get it,” Dragon assures me.
Shaking my head, I lift my hand and run my fingers through my hair. “What do I do now? How do I take care of her?” Call it hyper focus, call it panic, call it whatever the fuck you want to call it, I need to know that I can take care of my woman.
Silver takes one step toward me, then another before he lifts his hand and wraps his fingers around my shoulder again, giving me another firm shake. “Hombre,” he rasps. “Trust us to have your back, yeah? We’ll hash it all out after we get rid of these fucks. We got you.”
“I don’t deserve any of you, any of it,” I blurt.
Hawk bursts out laughing. “Brother, neither did I. None of us deserve the beauty that life has given us, and yet, it continues to show us so much goddamn beauty that it’s kind of sickening,” he says, his lips curve up into a huge grin, a sign that he doesn’t think any of it is fucking sickening at all. He loves his life, loves his beauty and I can’t blame him at all.
“None of us deserves the good we have, not with all the bad we’ve done, Jaguar. You aren’t alone and you aren’t special when it comes to that. You have to stop beating yourself up over it all. We’re on our way to forgiving you, and you need to forgive yourself. Pamela is family, in more ways than one, she won’t be left out swingin’.” Dragon says.
I want to call him Yoda, thank him for his awesome advice, but I don’t. Instead, I nod my head a couple of times and let their words soak in. They’re going to take care of me, take care of Pamela, and it sounds like they’re going to start opening the fold and letting me in a little more, slowly. I can handle
