I think back to our summer in Kitty Hawk and all the conversations we shared. I wonder why she never brought it up then. Was I the one constantly unloading my burdens on her? That wasn’t fair. I was so early in my recovery, and maybe I leaned on Alicia too much. Maybe that pushed her away?
I’ve spent all this time thinking it was all my fault she left, that she wouldn’t give me another chance. But now I see there was more to it all. Her mom was a toxic presence in Alicia’s recovery. Alicia lived her entire life with an addict. No wonder she was hesitant to pursue anything more with me. I can only imagine the kind of fears her childhood fostered. I should’ve fought harder. Proved myself first.
Or maybe we both needed time to heal. Maybe we’re exactly where we are meant to be. I pull to the side of the road and put my truck in park before turning in my seat to face her. “You aren’t your mother. You know that?”
“Chase.” She sighs. “It’s late.”
“Alicia,” I say, this time more sternly.
“What?”
“You aren’t your mother.”
She shakes her head as if she can’t or won’t hear it.
I squeeze her hand. “You. Are. Not. Your. Mother.”
“But what if I am?” Her face crumples with distress. “What if I got the worst parts of both my parents? I don’t know what happened today, but Chase, it’s like I became someone I didn’t recognize. Someone I was scared of. Have I been fooling myself this entire time? I thought I was getting better. But it’s like that sick part of me was lying dormant, festering and waiting for one tiny slip up.”
“It’s okay.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “What if instead of asking you to take me to a meeting, I asked for a drink? What if I dragged you down with me?”
“But you didn’t.”
“I could never forgive myself.”
I hate that she feels shame. That the weight of my sobriety rests on her shoulders with her own.
Her gaze drops to where my hand still holds hers. “We should probably get home.”
She’s probably right. I don’t know how long Matthew naps, but she must be dying to get back to him. Reluctantly, I pull the truck back on the road. Alicia sends a few texts and I focus on getting us home safely. A few minutes later, we pull into the drive.
Her shoulders stiffen as she jumps down from the truck and faces the house. Her feet drag up the front steps, almost as if she doesn’t want to go inside. I walk behind, resting my hand at the small of her back, hoping my touch offers strength.
She stops before we reach the door, turning to meet my stare. “Chase, you don’t have to come in.”
“I’d rather stay.” There’s no way I’m leaving her alone right now. The day isn’t over, but even if it were, I wouldn’t go. I need her to understand. “I’ll spend the night.”
“What about your cat?”
“You’re concerned about Paws?” I almost laugh.
Her brows furrow. “Yes, I am.”
“He’s a cat who’s used to me being gone several days at a time, thanks to my schedule. He’ll be fine.”
“Chase, you don’t have to do this. My brothers will be over later with dinner. I promise, I’m good now. You don’t have to worry.”
“Accepting help isn’t a sign of weakness.” I step forward, crowding her body. I brush a finger across her cheek. “Let me in.”
She leans into my touch, her eyes drifting shut. “You’ll probably regret this.” I hear the fear she’s too afraid to voice; her worry that I’ll regret her.
“I’ll bet on my life I won’t.” My bigger regret would be leaving her to deal with all of this on her own. “We’re stronger together.” I meet her eyes and hold her stare. “Okay? I need you to know that. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what you say or how hard this gets. I know your heart.”
“I’m sorry.” She starts sobbing, tears falling freely. Her pain is mine, and my soul aches to make it better.
I pull her into my arms. “Baby, what are you sorry for?”
“For leaving. For staying away.” She hiccups against my chest, her tears falling faster. “For keeping you from Matthew.”
I rub her back. It’s been an emotional day. She’s exhausted. Probably starving too. “We don’t have to do this right now.”
“No.” She steps back, wiping at her cheeks. “I do. I don’t want another minute to pass us by.”
“Us?” Crazy as it is, that’s the only word I hear and it gives me so much damn hope.
“I hope there can still be an us.” She presses her lips together. “But if you don’t want that, please be honest and tell me now.”
“I want to be here.” For you. By your side. Forever.
“I don’t know why. I’m a mess.”
“Alicia, I love your mess.” I can’t stand it anymore. I have to kiss her. Dipping my chin, I seal my lips over hers. My kisses are tentative and sweet. A promise to stay. A vow to always love her.
“I’m scared,” she whispers, pulling back to meet my gaze. “Really fucking scared. I thought I was doing right by Matthew, but I let fear call the shots. I’m sorry, Chase. I should have come back. Called. Done my due diligence.” There’s agony in her confession.
“You did what you thought was best.”
“I thought building a wall around my heart would keep it from getting hurt again. I was wrong.” Her hand smooths over my chest to where my heart beats wildly for her. “Chase, I love you. I never stopped.”
They’re the words I’ve longed to hear, and a peace settles in my soul with her admission. It’s the reassurance I need to know we’re going to make it through. “I love you, too. I’m not leaving your side. I’m here.” I’m so caught up in her—in us. I’ll never stop fighting for her, no matter what life throws our way.
39
