My tears fall before I make it back inside the hospital. They don’t stop as I walk the hallways, nor when strangers stare with concern. I should go back to the waiting room. Apologize and be with my family, but I can’t bring myself to face them.
Maybe I deserve to be alone. I push everyone away. I’ve done this to myself.
I stop into one of the bathrooms to wash my face. I can hardly meet my own reflection. My eyes are rimmed red. My skin is blotchy. The circles under my eyes show every bit of my exhaustion. I don’t even resemble the woman who watched her friends get married less than twenty-four hours ago.
It's been just as long since I’ve seen my son. Guilt seeps into my mind. I hate being away under good circumstances. Pulling my cell out, I press Simon’s contact to check in. It seems a poor substitute when I’d rather have Matthew in my arms. I could really use a hug.
Simon answers on the first ring. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I barely get out the word before a cry pushes past my lips. The tears that never really stopped are back again, but this time falling faster.
“Oh, babe. What is it?”
“I fucked up.” I sniffle, reaching for a paper towel to press against my face. “I thought last night was a good idea, but I’ve already ruined it.”
“I’m sure you haven’t.”
I shake my head, even though Simon can’t see. “No. I think I have.” I swipe at my cheeks, trying to eradicate the evidence of my emotional breakdown. “Feelings suck. I hate this.” As a person who numbed herself most of her adult years, allowing myself to feel anything cuts with a sharpness I’m not accustomed to. “I’m never doing this again.” I made sure of that. Chase won’t want to speak to me after the things I said.
“The sex was that bad, huh?”
Despite my tears, a laugh bursts from my lips. “Simon!”
“Sorry.”
“I love him,” I blurt, and that only causes more tears to fall.
“Oh, Alicia. You always have.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of course you are.”
“I pushed him away.”
“He’ll come back.”
“What if he doesn’t?” I wouldn’t blame him. Not after today.
“He will.”
I sniffle. “How do you know that?”
“Because you’re worth the fight.”
It’s hard for me to believe that. “You’re too good to me.”
“I know.” He chuckles and I picture him rolling his eyes and smiling one of his crooked grins. “Now, what’s the latest with your dad? Is there anything you need?”
“We’re going to be here awhile, I think.” If I hadn’t lost my mind, I might have better details. “He’s in surgery. Can you keep Matty for me? I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot.”
“I don’t mind. Take as long as you like. Or do you need me to come down there? I can bring Matthew.”
“No, thank you, though.” As much as I’d like to hold my son, this isn’t a place for a toddler to run around. “I wouldn’t know how to do this without you.”
“If you change your mind, let me know. But don’t worry about us. This kid is having a blast digging up your mother’s flower beds. Keep me posted about your dad.”
“I will.” My stomach knots with worry. “I should get back upstairs, see if there’s been any updates on his surgery.”
We end the call and I clean up as best as I can, considering this is a hospital restroom and I have no makeup with me. The bags under my eyes are massive and I could really use a shot of caffeine. But I’ve been gone long enough as it is. I hustle back to the waiting area. Mom and Eddie are back. Lucía sits next to Ricky, her eyes closed and lips moving slightly as her fingers clutch a set of prayer beads.
Ricky notices my approach and stands, his eyes wary. He nods toward a hallway in the opposite direction. “Let’s talk.”
“Okay.”
Once we’re out of earshot he stops, pulling me to the side so we’re out of the walkway. He folds his arms over his chest. “Where’s your friend?”
I pushed him away. I’m really good at that. “He had to leave.”
“Alicia.” He sighs. “I am trying to be patient and understanding, but if you’re going to pull more crap like earlier, then you need to wait somewhere else.”
“I know.”
“I get it was a surprise. I do, and we were going to tell you. I didn’t want you two to meet this way.”
“Does Mom know?” I nod over my shoulder. “About Lucía?”
“No,” Ricky says. “Mom thinks she’s Eddie’s assistant. I mean, she is, but we don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her. She’s . . . well, you’ve seen her this week. She hasn’t been the same since Dad’s stroke. That changed her.”
He’s right. My mom’s always had substance abuse issues, but growing up it was different. She would have never yelled at me in public. I can’t imagine what she’d do if she discovered Dad had a child with another woman.
“How long has Lucía been working for the company?”
“After Dad’s stroke and you told me about her . . . I had to find her, Alicia. She deserved to know. We hit it off and I hired her for the Spain office. It was the least I could do. She’s been through a lot.”
“Yeah.” Shame washes over me as I think about my reaction to seeing her here. I responded with jealousy and anger while my brothers offered her compassion.
“I brought her to our offices here about a year ago. She’d just gotten out of a relationship, needed a fresh start, and well, I like her, Alicia. She’s a good person. Honest and hardworking. I hope you’ll give her a chance.”
“I’m sorry for how I acted. What I said. I was upset about Dad. It’s no excuse, but everything is spiraling out of control right now.”
His brows lift. “Don’t apologize to me.”
I
