Alicia
The next week passes in a whirl of highs and lows. I’m devastated my father is no longer in this world. I miss him so much my heart aches. But these last few years after his stroke changed things. It was hard to see him struggle. To not know if he understood what was happening around him. How there was a possibility he couldn’t comprehend the words we spoke. He was suffering, and with his death comes a sense of relief.
Chase keeps his promise. He stays in my bed every night, finding friends to cover his shifts at the station. We go to meetings and he gets to know Matthew. He coordinates with my brothers to make sure my mom and I are never alone for the times he has to leave, and that support keeps me from drinking.
Simon and I delay our return to London. I offer for him to fly back without me, but he refuses and I am thankful. I can’t imagine going through this without him. He helps with Matthew and gets to know my family better, including my half-sister. They hit it off actually, and it’s nice for him to have someone to hang out with so I don’t feel bad spending all my free hours with Chase.
The hours feel as if they are slipping away. I’m supposed to fly back in another week, the day after my father’s funeral, but I can’t imagine not waking up with Chase beside me, sleeping soundly with the steady rhythm of his breathing assuring me everything’s going to be okay. Just the idea of being back in London has anxiety rushing in my veins.
If only I could slow things down.
Make the hours stretch longer.
Stay here with Chase forever.
Then it hits me. Why can’t I have those things? Am I overcomplicating this? Careful not to wake Chase, I scoot to the edge of the bed and reach down to retrieve my laptop from its bag. The time stamp at the corner of the screen reads three twenty-two when I open it, but it doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of the night. I can’t waste another minute.
I work for hours, until rays of morning sun stream through the tiny cracks in the window coverings.
Chase rolls to his side, his voice gravelly and rough as he reaches for me. “What are you doing?” He runs his palm along my leg.
I shoot him a grin, excitement bubbling in my chest. “Looking for jobs.”
“What?” He sits up, blinking away the last traces of sleep.
I shut my laptop and set it on the bedside table. We haven’t talked much about what happens next, my upcoming departure a source of dread for both of us. “I’m applying to positions in Richmond. I don’t want us to be apart.”
“But you’ve worked so hard.” His brow furrows and his hair falls forward into his eyes before he pushes it back. “You shouldn’t have to drop everything. We can find a compromise. I’m looking into a work visa and how to get certified for firefighting in England. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. We’ll figure this out.”
My heart hammers in my chest, joy chasing away the remains of apprehension as I realize what he just said. “You researched work visas? For me?” I know how much his life is here. How hard he’s worked to establish the teen center and earn captain.
“Of course.” Chase cups my cheek, intently holding my stare. “I would do anything to be with you and take care of Matthew.” The fact he’s willing to give everything up only cements the decisions I’ve already made.
“I want us to raise him here.”
Chase’s brows shoot into his hairline. He leans back, finding my eyes as if he’s trying to gauge the truth in my words. “Because British accents are pretentious?”
“What?” I laugh and shove at his chest. “No. I want him to be raised around family.” Family. That word carries both joy and sorrow. Tears fill my eyes, hating that this move won’t include my father. I’m so thankful I came back for Jill’s wedding. That he got to meet my son, even if it’s a moment only I will remember. One solitary tear escapes and rolls down my cheek, but Chase swipes it away. “I want the support of our friends too.”
“I want that, Alicia. But you don’t have to give up what you’ve worked for. We don’t have to make any decisions yet.”
“I already put in for a leave through the semester. I need time to help my mom. To sort things out with my father’s passing.”
He sighs, rubbing my back and leaning into me. “God, Alicia, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.”
“I’m sad. A little disconnected. Like all of this isn’t real.” Grief isn’t linear. It ebbs and flows. Selfishly, I want my dad back. The larger-than-life cunning businessman and devoted father. But that man died years ago with no warning. No notice, and our lives were forever changed. “But most of all, I’m scared of wasting another minute. We aren’t guaranteed anything, Chase. Not tomorrow, not even today, and I refuse to let this life pass me by. I want to be with you. To move in together so I never have to wake up without you in my arms. I want to argue about stupid stuff like furniture and pre-schools. I want to raise our child together and plan barbeques with our friends. I want to celebrate every one of Matthew’s birthdays with you by my side.”
He captures my mouth in a kiss, one that seems to stop time if only for a minute. In his presence I feel safe. Loved. Home. I always have.
He pulls back, smiling as our eyes meet. “Sounds like you have our future planned out.”
“Not entirely.” I shrug.
“Oh, yeah?” He wraps his arms around my waist and tugs me onto his lap. “I get a say in some things?”
I shift to straddle his hips, looping my arms around his neck. “Everything.” I
