The Country Wife

the less. Mrs. Dainty But then the pleasure should be the less. Lady Fidget Fy, fy, fy, for shame, sister! whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you. Mrs. Dainty Besides, an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man’s quality. Mrs. Squeamish ’Tis true that nobody takes notice of a private man, and therefore with him ’tis more secret; and the crime’s the less when ’tis not known. Lady Fidget You say true; i’faith, I think you are in the right on’t: ’tis not an injury to a husband, till it be an injury to our honours; so that a woman of honour loses no honour with a private person; and to say truth⁠— Mrs. Dainty So, the little fellow is grown a private person⁠—with her⁠—Apart to Mrs. Squeamish. Lady Fidget But still my dear, dear honour⁠— Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Horner, and Dorilant. Sir Jasper Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth⁠— Horner That she has none elsewhere. Aside. Lady Fidget Oh, what d’ye mean to bring in these upon us? Mrs. Dainty Foh! these are as bad as wits. Mrs. Squeamish Foh! Lady Fidget Let us leave the room. Sir Jasper Stay, stay; faith, to tell you the naked truth⁠— Lady Fidget Fy, Sir Jasper! do not use that word naked. Sir Jasper Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go⁠— Lady Fidget With those two to a play? Sir Jasper No, not with t’other, but with Mr. Horner; there can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr. Tattle, or Master Limberham. Lady Fidget With that nasty fellow! no⁠—no. Sir Jasper Nay, prithee, dear, hear me. Whispers to Lady Fidget. Horner Ladies⁠—Horner and Dorilant draw near Mrs. Squeamish and Mrs. Dainty Fidget. Mrs. Dainty Stand off. Mrs. Squeamish Do not approach us. Mrs. Dainty You herd with the wits, you are obscenity all over. Mrs. Squeamish And I would as soon look upon a picture of Adam and Eve, without fig-leaves, as any of you, if I could help it; therefore keep off, and do not make us sick. Dorilant What a devil are these? Horner Why, these are pretenders to honour, as critics to wit, only by censuring others; and as every raw, peevish, out-of-humoured, affected, dull, tea-drinking, arithmetical fop, sets up for a wit by railing at men of sense, so these for honour, by railing at the court, and ladies of as great honour as quality. Sir Jasper Come, Mr. Horner, I must desire you to go with these ladies to the play, sir. Horner I, sir? Sir Jasper Ay, ay, come, sir. Horner I must beg your pardon, sir, and theirs; I will not be seen in women’s company in public again for the world. Sir Jasper Ha, ha, strange aversion! Mrs. Squeamish No, he’s for women’s company in private. Sir Jasper He⁠—poor man⁠—he⁠—ha! ha! ha! Mrs. Dainty ’Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous women’s company, than for the women to be seen with them. Horner Indeed, madam, the time was I only hated virtuous women, but now I hate the other too; I beg your pardon, ladies. Lady Fidget You are very obliging, sir, because we would not be troubled with you. Sir Jasper In sober sadness, he shall go. Dorilant Nay, if he wo’ not, I am ready to wait upon the ladies, and I think I am the fitter man. Sir Jasper You sir! no, I thank you for that. Master Horner is a privileged man amongst the virtuous ladies, ’twill be a great while before you are so; he! he! he! he’s my wife’s gallant; he! he! he! No, pray withdraw, sir, for as I take it, the virtuous ladies have no business with you. Dorilant And I am sure he can have none with them. ’Tis strange a man can’t come amongst virtuous women now, but upon the same terms as men are admitted into the Great Turk’s seraglio. But heavens keep me from being an ombre player with ’em!⁠—But where is Pinchwife? Exit. Sir Jasper Come, come, man; what, avoid the sweet society of womankind? that sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble creature, woman, made for man’s companion⁠— Horner So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble creature a spaniel, and has all their tricks; can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more; barks at your friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you fleas, and the mange sometimes. And all the difference is, the spaniel’s the more faithful animal, and fawns but upon one master. Sir Jasper He! he! he! Mrs. Squeamish O the rude beast! Mrs. Dainty Insolent brute! Lady Fidget Brute! stinking, mortified, rotten French wether, to dare⁠— Sir Jasper Hold, an’t please your ladyship.⁠—For shame, Master Horner! your mother was a woman⁠—Aside. Now shall I never reconcile ’em.⁠—Aside to Lady Fidget. Hark you, madam, take my advice in your anger. You know you often want one to make up your drolling pack of ombre players, and you may cheat him easily; for he’s an ill gamester, and consequently loves play. Besides, you know you have but two old civil gentlemen (with stinking breaths too) to wait upon you abroad; take in the third into your service. The other are but crazy; and a lady should have a supernumerary gentleman-usher as a supernumerary coach-horse, lest sometimes you should be forced to stay at home. Lady Fidget But are you sure he loves play, and has money? Sir Jasper He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I. Lady Fidget Then I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men.⁠—Those whom we cannot make hold for gallants, we make fine. Aside. Sir Jasper Aside. So, so; now to mollify, wheedle him.⁠—Aside to Horner. Master Horner, will you never keep civil company? methinks ’tis time now, since you are only fit for them. Come, come, man, you must e’en fall to visiting our wives, eating at our tables, drinking tea with our virtuous relations