The Country Wife

and bewitching to me; I don’t understand you. Horner I tell you, madam, the word money in a mistress’s mouth, at such a nick of time, is not a more disheartening sound to a younger brother, than that of honour to an eager lover like myself. Lady Fidget But you can’t blame a lady of my reputation to be chary. Horner Chary! I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caused of myself. Lady Fidget Ay, but if you should ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out. Nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious, (oh, ’tis a wicked, censorious world, Mr. Horner!) I say, are so censorious, and detracting, that perhaps they’ll talk to the prejudice of my honour, though you should not let them know the dear secret. Horner Nay, madam, rather than they shall prejudice your honour, I’ll prejudice theirs; and, to serve you, I’ll lie with ’em all, make the secret their own, and then they’ll keep it. I am a Machiavel in love, madam. Lady Fidget O, no sir, not that way. Horner Nay, the devil take me, if censorious women are to be silenced any other way. Lady Fidget A secret is better kept, I hope, by a single person than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust anybody else with it, dear, dear Mr. Horner. Embracing him. Enter Sir Jasper Fidget. Sir Jasper How now! Lady Fidget Aside. O my husband!⁠—prevented⁠—and what’s almost as bad, found with my arms about another man⁠—that will appear too much⁠—what shall I say?⁠—Aloud. Sir Jasper, come hither: I am trying if Mr. Horner were ticklish, and he’s as ticklish as can be. I love to torment the confounded toad; let you and I tickle him. Sir Jasper No, your ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose. But is this your buying china? I thought you had been at the china-house. Horner Aside. China-house! that’s my cue, I must take it.⁠—Aloud. A pox! can’t you keep your impertinent wives at home? Some men are troubled with the husbands, but I with the wives; but I’d have you to know, since I cannot be your journeyman by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scarecrow only to pies and jays, that would be nibbling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the hackney gentleman-usher of the town. Sir Jasper Aside. He! he! he! poor fellow, he’s in the right on’t, faith. To squire women about for other folks is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks.⁠—Aloud. He! he! he! be’n’t angry, Horner. Lady Fidget No, ’tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin myself upon such ill-bred people of your acquaintance as this is. Sir Jasper Nay, prithee, what has he done? Lady Fidget Nay, he has done nothing. Sir Jasper But what d’ye take ill, if he has done nothing? Lady Fidget Ha! ha! ha! faith, I can’t but laugh however; why, d’ye think the unmannerly toad would come down to me to the coach? I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I was resolved not to do; for he knows china very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet. Horner Apart to Lady Fidget, as he follows her to the door. Lock the door, madam.⁠— Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door. Aloud.⁠—So, she has got into my chamber and locked me out. Oh the impertinency of womankind! Well, Sir Jasper, plain-dealing is a jewel; if ever you suffer your wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of horns; by my lord mayor she shall; though I cannot furnish you myself, you are sure, yet I’ll find a way. Sir Jasper Ha! ha! he!⁠—Aside. At my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly.⁠—Aloud. He! he! he! poor Horner. Horner Nay, though you laugh now, ’twill be my turn ere long. Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly!⁠—Now is she throwing my things about and rifling all I have; but I’ll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it. Sir Jasper Ha! ha! ha! poor angry Horner. Horner Stay here a little, I’ll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant. Exit at the other door. Sir Jasper talks through the door to his Wife, she answers from within. Sir Jasper Wife! my Lady Fidget! wife! he is coming in to you the back way. Lady Fidget Let him come, and welcome, which way he will. Sir Jasper He’ll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you. Lady Fidget Don’t you trouble yourself, let him if he can. Quack Aside. This indeed I could not have believed from him, nor any but my own eyes. Enter Mrs. Squeamish. Mrs. Squeamish Where’s this woman-hater, this toad, this ugly, greasy, dirty sloven? Sir Jasper Aside. So, the women all will have him ugly; methinks he is a comely person, but his wants make his form contemptible to ’em; and ’tis e’en as my wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome eunuch was as ridiculous a thing as a gigantic coward. Mrs. Squeamish Sir Jasper, your servant: where is the odious beast? Sir Jasper He’s within in his chamber, with my wife; she’s playing the wag with him. Mrs. Squeamish Is she so? and he’s a clownish beast, he’ll give her no quarter, he’ll play the wag with her again, let me tell you: come, let’s go help her⁠—What, the door’s locked? Sir