The Country Wife

Jasper Ay, my wife locked it. Mrs. Squeamish Did she so? let’s break it open then. Sir Jasper No, no, he’ll do her no hurt. Mrs. Squeamish Aside. But is there no other way to get in to ’em? whither goes this? I will disturb ’em. Exit at another door. Enter Old Lady Squeamish. Lady Squeamish Where is this harlotry, this impudent baggage, this rambling tomrigg?11 O Sir Jasper, I’m glad to see you here; did you not see my vile grandchild come in hither just now? Sir Jasper Yes. Lady Squeamish Ay, but where is she then? where is she? Lord, Sir Jasper, I have e’en rattled myself to pieces in pursuit of her: but can you tell what she makes here? they say below, no woman lodges here. Sir Jasper No. Lady Squeamish No! what does she here then? say, if it be not a woman’s lodging, what makes she here? But are you sure no woman lodges here? Sir Jasper No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horner’s lodging. Lady Squeamish Is it so, are you sure? Sir Jasper Yes, yes. Lady Squeamish So; then there’s no hurt in’t, I hope. But where is he? Sir Jasper He’s in the next room with my wife. Lady Squeamish Nay, if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy. They say, he’s a merry harmless man now, e’en as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty, harmless company for a lady, as a snake without his teeth. Sir Jasper Ay, ay, poor man. Re-enter Mrs. Squeamish. Mrs. Squeamish I can’t find ’em.⁠—Oh, are you here, grandmother? I followed, you must know, my Lady Fidget hither; ’tis the prettiest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettiest pictures⁠— Re-enter Lady Fidget with a piece of china in her hand, and Horner following. Lady Fidget And I have been toiling and moiling for the prettiest piece of china, my dear. Horner Nay, she has been too hard for me, do what I could. Mrs. Squeamish Oh, lord, I’ll have some china too. Good Mr. Horner, don’t think to give other people china, and me none; come in with me too. Horner Upon my honour, I have none left now. Mrs. Squeamish Nay, nay, I have known you deny your china before now, but you shan’t put me off so. Come. Horner This lady had the last there. Lady Fidget Yes indeed, madam, to my certain knowledge, he has no more left. Mrs. Squeamish O, but it may be he may have some you could not find. Lady Fidget What, d’ye think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too? for we women of quality never think we have china enough. Horner Do not take it ill, I cannot make china for you all, but I will have a roll-wagon for you too, another time. Mrs. Squeamish Thank you, dear toad. Lady Fidget What do you mean by that promise? Aside to Horner. Horner Alas, she has an innocent, literal understanding. Aside to Lady Fidget. Lady Squeamish Poor Mr. Horner! he has enough to do to please you all, I see. Horner Ay, madam, you see how they use me. Lady Squeamish Poor gentleman, I pity you. Horner I thank you, madam: I could never find pity, but from such reverend ladies as you are; the young ones will never spare a man. Mrs. Squeamish Come, come, beast, and go dine with us; for we shall want a man at ombre after dinner. Horner That’s all their use of me, madam, you see. Mrs. Squeamish Come, sloven, I’ll lead you, to be sure of you. Pulls him by the cravat. Lady Squeamish Alas, poor man, how she tugs him! Kiss, kiss her; that’s the way to make such nice women quiet. Horner No, madam, that remedy is worse than the torment; they know I dare suffer anything rather than do it. Lady Squeamish Prithee kiss her, and I’ll give you her picture in little, that you admired so last night; prithee do. Horner Well, nothing but that could bribe me: I love a woman only in effigy, and good painting as much as I hate them.⁠—I’ll do’t, for I could adore the devil well painted. Kisses Mrs. Squeamish. Mrs. Squeamish Foh, you filthy toad! nay, now I’ve done jesting. Lady Squeamish Ha! ha I ha! I told you so. Mrs. Squeamish Foh! a kiss of his⁠— Sir Jasper Has no more hurt in’t than one of my spaniel’s. Mrs. Squeamish Nor no more good neither. Quack I will now believe anything he tells me. Aside. Enter Pinchwife. Lady Fidget O lord, here’s a man! Sir Jasper, my mask, my mask! I would not be seen here for the world. Sir Jasper What, not when I am with you? Lady Fidget No, no, my honour⁠—let’s be gone. Mrs. Squeamish Oh grandmother, let’s be gone; make haste, make haste, I know not how he may censure us. Lady Fidget Be found in the lodging of anything like a man!⁠—Away. Exeunt Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Old Lady Squeamish, and Mrs. Squeamish. Quack What’s here? another cuckold? he looks like one, and none else sure have any business with him. Aside. Horner Well, what brings my dear friend hither? Pinchwife Your impertinency. Horner My impertinency!⁠—why, you gentlemen that have got handsome wives, think you have a privilege of saying anything to your friends, and are as brutish as if you were our creditors. Pinchwife No, sir, I’ll ne’er trust you anyway. Horner But why not, dear Jack? why diffide in me thou know’st so well? Pinchwife Because I do know you so well. Horner Han’t I been always thy friend, honest Jack, always ready to serve thee, in love or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still? Pinchwife I believe so, you would be my second now, indeed. Horner Well then, dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me? Come, prithee kiss me, dear rogue: gad I was always, I say, and am still as much thy servant as⁠— Pinchwife As I am yours, sir. What, you would send a kiss to my wife, is that it? Horner So, there ’tis⁠—a man can’t show his friendship to a married man, but presently