The Country Wife

he talks of his wife to you. Prithee, let thy wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont. What, thou art as shy of my kindness, as a Lombard-street alderman of a courtier’s civility at Locket’s!12 Pinchwife But you are over-kind to me, as kind as if I were your cuckold already; yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you, as to bring you this: look you there, sir. Delivers him a letter. Horner What is’t? Pinchwife Only a love-letter, sir. Horner From whom?⁠—how! this is from your wife⁠—hum⁠—and hum⁠—Reads. Pinchwife Even from my wife, sir: am I not wondrous kind and civil to you now too?⁠—Aside. But you’ll not think her so. Horner Ha! is this a trick of his or hers? Aside. Pinchwife The gentleman’s surprised I find.⁠—What, you expected a kinder letter? Horner No faith, not I, how could I? Pinchwife Yes, yes, I’m sure you did. A man so well made as you are, must needs be disappointed, if the women declare not their passion at first sight or opportunity. Horner Aside. But what should this mean? Stay, the postscript.⁠—Reads aside. “Be sure you love me, whatsoever my husband says to the contrary, and let him not see this, lest he should come home and pinch me, or kill my squirrel.”⁠—It seems he knows not what the letter contains. Pinchwife Come, ne’er wonder at it so much. Horner Faith, I can’t help it. Pinchwife Now, I think I have deserved your infinite friendship and kindness, and have showed myself sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband; am I not so, to bring a letter from my wife to her gallant? Horner Ay, the devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world, ha! ha! Pinchwife Well, you may be merry, sir; but in short I must tell you, sir, my honour will suffer no jesting. Horner What dost thou mean? Pinchwife Does the letter want a comment? Then, know, sir, though I have been so civil a husband, as to bring you a letter from my wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a cuckold, sir, I will not. Horner Thou art mad with jealousy. I never saw thy wife in my life but at the play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no. I court her, kiss her! Pinchwife I will not be a cuckold, I say; there will be danger in making me a cuckold. Horner Why, wert thou not well cured of thy last clap? Pinchwife I wear a sword. Horner It should be taken from thee, lest thou shouldst do thyself a mischief with it; thou art mad, man. Pinchwife As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you ere we part. I say again, though you kissed and courted last night my wife in man’s clothes, as she confesses in her letter⁠— Horner Ha! Aside. Pinchwife Both she and I say, you must not design it again, for you have mistaken your woman, as you have done your man. Horner Aside. O⁠—I understand something now⁠—Aloud. Was that thy wife! Why wouldst thou not tell me ’twas she? Faith, my freedom with her was your fault, not mine. Pinchwife Faith, so ’twas. Aside. Horner Fy! I’d never do’t to a woman before her husband’s face, sure. Pinchwife But I had rather you should do’t to my wife before my face, than behind my back; and that you shall never do. Horner No⁠—you will hinder me. Pinchwife If I would not hinder you, you see by her letter she would. Horner Well, I must e’en acquiesce then, and be contented with what she writes. Pinchwife I’ll assure you ’twas voluntarily writ; I had no hand in’t you may believe me. Horner I do believe thee, faith. Pinchwife And believe her too, for she’s an innocent creature, has no dissembling in her: and so fare you well, sir. Horner Pray, however, present my humble service to her, and tell her, I will obey her letter to a tittle, and fulfil her desires, be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do’t; and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you. Pinchwife Well then, fare you well; and play with any man’s honour but mine, kiss any man’s wife but mine, and welcome. Exit. Horner Ha! ha! ha! doctor. Quack It seems, he has not heard the report of you, or does not believe it. Horner Ha! ha!⁠—now, doctor, what think you? Quack Pray let’s see the letter⁠—hum⁠—“for⁠—dear⁠—love you⁠—” Reads the letter. Horner I wonder how she could contrive it! What say’st thou to’t? ’tis an original. Quack So are your cuckolds too originals: for they are like no other common cuckolds, and I will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his guards of eunuchs, that I say. Horner And I say for the letter, ’tis the first love-letter that ever was without flames, darts, fates, destinies, lying and dissembling in’t. Enter Sparkish pulling in Pinchwife. Sparkish Come back, you are a pretty brother-in-law, neither go to church nor to dinner with your sister bride! Pinchwife My sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfied. Sparkish Pshaw! upon a foolish scruple, that our parson was not in lawful orders, and did not say all the common-prayer; but ’tis her modesty only I believe. But let all women be never so modest the first day, they’ll be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then. In the meantime, Harry Horner, you must dine with me: I keep my wedding at my aunt’s in the Piazza.13 Horner Thy wedding! what stale maid has lived to despair of a husband, or what young one of a gallant? Sparkish O, your servant, sir⁠—this gentleman’s sister then⁠—no stale maid. Horner I’m sorry for’t. Pinchwife How comes he so concerned