Twelfth Night

give me leave to prove you a fool. Olivia Can you do it? Clown Dexterously, good madonna. Olivia Make your proof. Clown I must catechize you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me. Olivia Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof. Clown Good madonna, why mournest thou? Olivia Good fool, for my brother’s death. Clown I think his soul is in hell, madonna. Olivia I know his soul is in heaven, fool. Clown The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. Olivia What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend? Malvolio Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool. Clown God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool. Olivia How say you to that, Malvolio? Malvolio I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools’ zanies. Olivia O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. Clown Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools! Re-enter Maria. Maria Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. Olivia From the Count Orsino, is it? Maria I know not, madam: ’tis a fair young man, and well attended. Olivia Who of my people hold him in delay? Maria Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. Olivia Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him! Exit Maria. Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. Exit Malvolio. Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it. Clown Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for⁠—here he comes⁠—one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater. Enter Sir Toby. Olivia By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin? Sir Toby A gentleman. Olivia A gentleman! what gentleman? Sir Toby ’Tis a gentle man here⁠—a plague o’ these pickle-herring! How now, sot! Clown Good Sir Toby! Olivia Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? Sir Toby Lechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate. Olivia Ay, marry, what is he? Sir Toby Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. Exit. Olivia What’s a drunken man like, fool? Clown Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him. Olivia Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for he’s in the third degree of drink, he’s drowned: go, look after him. Clown He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman. Exit. Re-enter Malvolio. Malvolio Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he’s fortified against any denial. Olivia Tell him he shall not speak with me. Malvolio Has been told so; and he says, he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you. Olivia What kind o’ man is he? Malvolio Why, of mankind. Olivia What manner of man? Malvolio Of very ill manner; he’ll speak with you, will you or no. Olivia Of what personage and years is he? Malvolio Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple: ’tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him. Olivia Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman. Malvolio Gentlewoman, my lady calls. Exit. Re-enter Maria. Olivia

Give me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face.
We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.

Enter Viola, and Attendants. Viola The honourable lady of the house, which is she? Olivia Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will? Viola Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty⁠—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage. Olivia Whence came you, sir? Viola I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech. Olivia Are you a comedian? Viola No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you