An Ideal Husband

Goring Laughing. You must excuse me, Lady Chiltern. It won’t occur again, if I can help it. Lady Chiltern But I like you to be serious. Enter Mabel Chiltern, in the most ravishing frock. Mabel Chiltern Dear Gertrude, don’t say such a dreadful thing to Lord Goring. Seriousness would be very unbecoming to him. Good afternoon Lord Goring! Pray be as trivial as you can. Lord Goring I should like to, Miss Mabel, but I am afraid I am⁠ ⁠… a little out of practice this morning; and besides, I have to be going now. Mabel Chiltern Just when I have come in! What dreadful manners you have! I am sure you were very badly brought up. Lord Goring I was. Mabel Chiltern I wish I had brought you up! Lord Goring I am so sorry you didn’t. Mabel Chiltern It is too late now, I suppose? Lord Goring Smiling. I am not so sure. Mabel Chiltern Will you ride tomorrow morning? Lord Goring Yes, at ten. Mabel Chiltern Don’t forget. Lord Goring Of course I shan’t. By the way, Lady Chiltern, there is no list of your guests in The Morning Post of today. It has apparently been crowded out by the County Council, or the Lambeth Conference, or something equally boring. Could you let me have a list? I have a particular reason for asking you. Lady Chiltern I am sure Mr. Trafford will be able to give you one. Lord Goring Thanks, so much. Mabel Chiltern Tommy is the most useful person in London. Lord Goring Turning to her. And who is the most ornamental? Mabel Chiltern Triumphantly. I am. Lord Goring How clever of you to guess it! Takes up his hat and cane. Goodbye, Lady Chiltern! You will remember what I said to you, won’t you? Lady Chiltern Yes; but I don’t know why you said it to me. Lord Goring I hardly know myself. Goodbye, Miss Mabel! Mabel Chiltern With a little moue of disappointment. I wish you were not going. I have had four wonderful adventures this morning; four and a half, in fact. You might stop and listen to some of them. Lord Goring How very selfish of you to have four and a half! There won’t be any left for me. Mabel Chiltern I don’t want you to have any. They would not be good for you. Lord Goring That is the first unkind thing you have ever said to me. How charmingly you said it! Ten tomorrow. Mabel Chiltern Sharp. Lord Goring Quite sharp. But don’t bring Mr. Trafford. Mabel Chiltern With a little toss of the head. Of course I shan’t bring Tommy Trafford. Tommy Trafford is in great disgrace. Lord Goring I am delighted to hear it. Bows and goes out. Mabel Chiltern Gertrude, I wish you would speak to Tommy Trafford. Lady Chiltern What has poor Mr. Trafford done this time? Robert says he is the best secretary he has ever had. Mabel Chiltern Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the music room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn’t dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should interfere. At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eye that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don’t know what bimetallism means. And I don’t believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to anyone, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention. Lady Chiltern Dear Mabel, don’t talk like that. Besides, Robert thinks very highly of Mr. Trafford. He believes he has a brilliant future before him. Mabel Chiltern Oh! I wouldn’t marry a man with a future before him for anything under the sun. Lady Chiltern Mabel! Mabel Chiltern I know, dear. You married a man with a future, didn’t you? But then Robert was a genius, and you have a noble, self-sacrificing character. You can stand geniuses. I have no character at all, and Robert is the only genius I could ever bear. As a rule, I think they are quite impossible. Geniuses talk so much, don’t they? Such a bad habit! And they are always thinking about themselves, when I want them to be thinking about me. I must go round now and rehearse at Lady Basildon’s. You remember, we are having tableaux, don’t you? The Triumph of something, I don’t know what! I hope it will be triumph of me. Only triumph I am really interested in at present. Kisses Lady Chiltern and goes out; then comes running back. Oh, Gertrude, do you know who is coming to see you? That dreadful Mrs. Cheveley, in a most lovely gown. Did you ask her? Lady Chiltern Rising. Mrs. Cheveley! Coming to see me? Impossible! Mabel Chiltern I assure you she is coming upstairs, as large as life and not nearly so natural. Lady Chiltern You need not wait, Mabel. Remember,