Much Ado About Nothing

Claudio thine enemy? Beatrice Is he not approved in the height a villain, that hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they come to take hands; and then, with public accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour⁠—O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace. Benedick Hear me, Beatrice⁠— Beatrice Talk with a man out at a window! A proper saying! Benedick Nay, but, Beatrice⁠— Beatrice Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone. Benedick Beat⁠— Beatrice Princes and counties! Surely, a princely testimony, a goodly count, Count Comfect; a sweet gallant, surely! O that I were a man for his sake! or that I had any friend would be a man for my sake! But manhood is melted into curtesies, valour into compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving. Benedick Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love thee. Beatrice Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it. Benedick Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero? Beatrice Yea, as sure is I have a thought or a soul. Benedick Enough, I am engaged; I will challenge him. I will kiss your hand, and so I leave you. By this hand, Claudio shall render me a dear account. As you hear of me, so think of me. Go, comfort your cousin: I must say she is dead: and so, farewell. Exeunt.

Scene II

A prison.

	Enter Dogberry, Verges, and Sexton, in gowns; and the Watch, with Conrade and Borachio.
Dogberry	Is our whole dissembly appeared?
Verges	O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton.
Sexton	Which be the malefactors?
Dogberry	Marry, that am I and my partner.
Verges	Nay, that’s certain; we have the exhibition to examine.
Sexton	But which are the offenders that are to be examined? let them come before master constable.
Dogberry	Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend?
Borachio	Borachio.
Dogberry	Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah?
Conrade	I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.
Dogberry	Write down, master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do you serve God?
Conrade, Borachio	Yea, sir, we hope.
Dogberry	Write down, that they hope they serve God: and write God first; for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves; and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?
Conrade	Marry, sir, we say we are none.
Dogberry	A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.
Borachio	Sir, I say to you we are none.
Dogberry	Well, stand aside. ’Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?
Sexton	Master constable, you go not the way to examine: you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
Dogberry	Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince’s name, accuse these men.
First Watch	This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince’s brother, was a villain.
Dogberry	Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince’s brother villain.
Borachio	Master constable⁠—
Dogberry	Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I promise thee.
Sexton	What heard you him say else?
Second Watch	Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
Dogberry	Flat burglary as ever was committed.
Verges	Yea, by mass, that it is.
Sexton	What else, fellow?
First Watch	And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.
Dogberry	O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.
Sexton	What else?
Second Watch	This is all.
Sexton	And this is more, masters, than you can deny. Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away; Hero was in this manner accused, in this manner refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died. Master constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato’s: I will go before and show him their examination. Exit.
Dogberry	Come, let them be opinioned.
Verges	Let them be in the hands⁠—
Conrade	Off, coxcomb!
Dogberry	God’s my life, where’s the sexton? let him write down the prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. Thou naughty varlet!
Conrade	Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.
Dogberry	Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass! Exeunt.

Act V

Scene I

Before Leonato’s house.

	Enter Leonato and Antonio.
Antonio	If you go on thus, you will kill yourself; And ’tis not wisdom thus to second grief Against yourself.
Leonato	I pray thee, cease thy counsel, Which falls into mine ears as profitless As water in a sieve: give not me counsel; Nor let no comforter delight mine ear But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine. Bring me a father that so loved his child, Whose joy of her