Fuck me.
With a bevy of emotions coursing through me, anger, sadness, love and need, I stand and tear the sheets off the mattress, dropping them on the floor before making a quick trip to the bathroom. The sight of the big tub instantly brings back happy memories of Maize, and I grip the edge of the sink, and hang my head to stare at the floor as I will those memories to go away.
Get it together, dude.
I have a fucking career to think about and grades to keep up. I can’t be wallowing in self-pity like this. Something on the floor catches my attention, and I pick it up. It’s a small square pamphlet. I open it up, and see that it’s in Spanish. Good thing I remember some of it from high school classes. I drop down on the edge of the tub, and read through it, but I stumble over many of the words, so I head to the other room, grab my laptop and start a translation. Five minutes later I’m sitting at the table with my heart in my throat, and my stomach in one hell of a tight knot.
I grip my hair and tug, my eyes practically bulging out of my head as the tumblers fall into place. “Holy fuck,” I say much too loudly.
Someone raps on my door, and my head lifts. I stare at it, unable to think, or speak. The rap comes again. A fast rhythm that matches my heart. The knob turns, whoever is out there impatient to get in.
“Are you okay?” Linc asks through the closed door.
I stand on shaky legs, unlock it with trembling fingers, and he takes one look at me and curses. “Jesus Christ, what’s wrong?” I back up, stumble a bit, and drop back into the chair. “Talk to me, brother.” Unable to find the words, I slide the small sheet of paper across the table. “What is this?”
“Read it,” I push those two words past a dry throat, and jump to my feet, needing to move, do something to keep up with my racing thoughts.
He reads it once, then twice. His Spanish always was better than mine. His head slowly lifts, and I go still, meet eyes that are filled with worry, and confusion.
“Yeah, pregnant,” I say.
He holds the paper up, and questions me. “How do you know this is hers?” I walk over to the counter, and show him her key. “She left this. She was here. I’m pretty sure no other girl would be in my bathroom taking a pregnancy test.”
He frowns and goes quiet. I give him time to think. Hell, I need time too. He finally breaks the quiet with, “Didn’t you guys use protection?”
“Of course, we did,” I shoot back, and when he stiffens, I shake my head. “Sorry, man. I just…I’m fucked.”
“You’re not fucked. You don’t know what the results were. We can’t jump to conclusions just yet.”
I throw myself onto my bed, and put my arm over my eyes as I think things through. “We stopped using a condom because she said she was on the pill.”
“Okay, the pill is pretty safe. So maybe this is nothing.”
“Not safe enough if she had to take a test.” My mind screeches to a halt, and bile punches into my throat. “Fuck, you don’t think…” I don’t need to finish the sentence for Linc to know where my thoughts have gone. He knows everything about me, just like I know everything about him.
“I don’t know what to think, but why would she tell you she was on the pill if she wasn’t?”
I give a humorless laugh, and stare at the ceiling, shock preventing me from moving. “To trap me.” Everything my grandmother told me about my parents’ relationship seeps into my thoughts, and brings on my worst nightmare. I swore I never wanted a family, children. Never wanted to find myself in a situation like my parents.
I can hear Linc’s throat work as he swallows. “Just because your mom…”
“Then why would she lie about being on the pill?”
“Maybe she’s not lying. Not every girl is like your mother. Maybe she really is on the pill, and was late or something.”
I think about the kind of girl Maize is. Sweet, innocent, a hard worker, always open and honest with me. She didn’t even want me to introduce her to Dean Saunders. She wanted to get into Harvard on her own merits and I was the one who pushed for the meeting. Does that really sound like a girl out to trap a guy, for his money and influence?
“I told her I didn’t want kids, that I didn’t want to end up in a relationship like my parents.”
“Maybe that’s why she ran.”
I rub the back of my tight neck. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs. “Maybe she’s scared and running because you don’t want kids, and she was afraid you’d think she was trying to trap you.”
“That would mean she is pregnant.” I consider that for a moment. She told me she never wanted to bring a child into the world either. I believed her. But things changed, we’ve changed, and I want different things now. Is Maize Malone the type of girl to trap me? She’s ambitious, has her mind set on a law degree. Would she really get pregnant on purpose and blow that all off? I think about that long and hard, and come to one logical conclusion.
No, she wouldn’t.
“But why did she break up with me before Christmas, before she took this test and knew the results?”
“That I can’t answer.”
I take a breath to slow my racing mind, and the second I do, the second I realize
