The thing is, when it comes to Kimberley, I think it’s fair to say that the rational side of me doesn’t really get a look in. Already, I am itching to call her again, to text her, to make her talk to me. But I won’t. I’m not some creeper guy who can’t take a hint. And that’s all there is to it. She’s made her choice, and while I don’t have to like it, I have no choice but to respect it.
I stand up abruptly. I have to get out of the office, get out of my head and get some fresh air, before I go completely mad. I need to be moving, to be doing something other than sitting staring at a blank screen and pretending to concentrate. If I’m doing something, anything, then I will be much less likely to cave in and break my word and message Kimberley again.
“Sebastian? Where are you going? You have a meeting in an hour,” Bernie says as I leave my office.
I flash her a smile, hiding how I really feel.
“I’ll be back by then. I just need to pop out for a moment,” I say.
“Well what do you need? I’ll get it for you,” she says.
What I need is Kimberley to fucking talk to me. What I need is for her to hear me when I tell her I love her and we can be a family. I don’t think Bernie can make that happen anymore than I can. I just shake my head. Bernie comes around the desk and puts her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to sit down. She goes back to her computer and types rapidly for a second and then she comes back around to me and perches on her desk and peers down at me.
“Something’s wrong. Now spill it,” she says.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I start.
“Yes there is. You were on top of the world last week, and now you’re … I don’t know. Different. It’s something to do with Kimberley isn’t it?”
I feel myself nodding.
“Yeah. We gave it a go and it didn’t work out. Don’t worry, I’ve gotten over her once and I can do it again,” I say.
Another lie. I never really got over her and I for sure don’t think I can do it now. Bernie frowns and shakes her head.
“What is it you’re not telling me? I’ve never seen you like this before,” she says.
I open my mouth to tell her I’m fine, but instead, I blurt out the truth. As soon as the words Kimberley is pregnant leave my mouth, I feel better, and before I know it, the whole story has tumbled out of me. I haven’t even told Matt or Chance about this. I haven’t told them anything except sticking to the story that Kimberley and I are taking things slow. I even tell her what I’ve done – the grand gesture I was so sure Kimberley would love, but now seems ridiculous. God I’m such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I thought we could ever make this work. There’s just too much history, too much mess.
“So yeah, there you have it,” I finish.
“Oh Sebastian, I’m so sorry,” Bernie says.
I shrug.
“I should have known better than to let her in again,” I say.
“Just give her time. She’ll come around,” Bernie says.
“I’m not sure I want her to come around Bernie. I can’t live my whole life like this with Kimberley shutting me out and blowing hot and cold on me.”
“Then maybe it’s for the best that you’ve found that out now rather than years down the line,” Bernie says.
I nod mutely. I know she’s right. It’s better this way. But then why does it feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest?
“Thanks Bernie,” I say, standing up again. This time, she doesn’t try to stop me. “And please keep this conversation between us ok?”
“Oh really? Because I really wanted to tell half of the office and a couple of clients about it,” she says with a soft laugh.
I find myself laughing with her.
“Ok, point taken,” I say. “I’m going to go and get some air and clear my head.”
I glance at my watch.
“You better push that appointment back after all. Sorry.”
Bernie grins.
“It’s already done,” she says. “I emailed him before I sat down.”
I shake my head and laugh.
“What would I do without you Bernie,” I say as I leave.
“Remember that next time pay rises are on the table,” she shouts after me.
I’ve walked the streets around our office building for over an hour and I’d like to say I feel better, but I don’t. I don’t think I will feel better for a long time. But at least I haven’t given in and called Kimberley so there’s that.
I head back to the office with a heavy heart and a promise to myself to throw myself into work and forget Kimberley ever came back into my life. I cross the lobby and wait for the elevator. It comes and I step in.
“Hold the elevator please,” I hear someone I shout.
I reach out and press the door open button and Joe Benton runs into the elevator.
“Thanks,” he says. “How are you?”
“Good,” I say. “You?”
“Good. We’re getting settled in nicely and I’m finally starting to feel like we’re organised,” he smiles. “And who knows? I might even get home to my wife before she divorces me.”
“That bad?” I ask.
He laughs and shakes his head.
“No, I’m just joking. She gets me. She knows I have to do this. And she takes all of her
