Chapter 16
Saturday
After a few more minutes passed without Ash returning, Ithrew my napkin down on the table and went toward the restrooms. It was betterto check there first. If she was planning a great escape, she was probablyalready gone. There was no reason to look outside for her. But if she was stuckin a stall or something and needed help? It was at least polite to check. “Ash?”I said and knocked on the door to the women’s restroom.
No response.
“Ash?” I said a little louder.
No response.
For fuck’s sake. Did she really ditch me? I opened upthe door just to check and saw Ash standing in the middle of the restroom withher sweatshirt off. Just standing in a public restroom with nothing on but abra and her jeans. She was trying to dry the sweatshirt underneath the hand drier,while at the same time blotting it with paper towels.
“No, he’s gorgeous!” Ash said to no one at all.
She talks to herself too?
“Why didn’t you tell me he was gorgeous?!” Ash practicallycried as she hit the hand drier button again.
“Then stop hiding in the bathroom and get out there!” saidsomeone else.
I looked over to see where the other voice had come from. Ash’sphone was balancing precariously on the edge of the sink. I’m assuming this washer friend Chastity encouraging her through the speaker.
“I can’t go back out there! I look like a homeless person!”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“I’m sure you don’t look homeless,” replied Chastity.
“I do. I’m wearing my binge-watching sweatshirt.”
“You are not,” gasped Chastity. “I told you to dress up! Whatis wrong with you?!”
“I don’t know!” Ash blotted the pit stains with more papertowels. “Seriously though, who is this guy, Chastity? He looks like he walkedout of the pages of a magazine! You told me he wasn’t going to be cute. Thatthis was just a practice run for getting back out there. You’re a dirty liar! Becausehe’s the definition of perfection and now he thinks I have some sort ofexplosive diarrhea because I’ve been in here for...”
“Fourteen minutes,” offered her friend. “He definitely thinksyou shat your pants.”
“No!” Ash said and slammed her fist against the hand drieragain. “Chastity, tell me how I can undo this?”
I cleared my throat.
Ash’s eyes grew round when she saw me. She slapped her phoneoff the counter instead of simply ending the call. Then for some reason shethrew the sweatshirt on the ground like it was contraband. And then she yelpedand put her hands directly onto her breasts to hide her bra.
I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it.
For a second I thought she was going to cry. Or scream. Insteadshe started laughing too. “This is the worst date in the history of dates,” shesaid, half sobbing through her laughter.
I couldn’t deny that fact. “It’s not off to a great start.”
“God, what is wrong with me? I’m half naked in a publicrestroom. I should be arrested.”
“Your secret is safe with me. How about you put your sweatshirtback on and meet me back out there?”
She laughed again. “Are you serious? You’re not going toreport me?”
“I’m not going to report you. But I might report this placefor pests. Did you just see that centipede run under the sink?”
Ash screamed at the top of her lungs and threw herself at me.“Save me!”
She almost knocked me over, but I somehow managed to catchher without slipping on the tiled floor.
She was half naked and pressed against me. Her breasts practicallyshoved in my face and somehow my hands had wound up on her ass.
“Is it gone?!” she shrieked.
“Um.” I tried to tilt my head to see. “I don’t see him.” AlthoughI was very distracted by her breasts in my face.
“He could be anywhere by now. Centipedes are at the very topof my list of greatest fears. Why do they have so many legs? No bug should needso many legs when four or six are plenty.”
I laughed. “It’s fine, Ash. I don’t think he’s coming backout.”
“Okay.” But she didn’t let go of me. If anything, she grippedmy shoulders even tighter.
It had been a long time since someone had needed me likethis. I swallowed hard and put her down before I did something stupid like kissthis maniac.
“I’m so sorry that this date is such a disaster,” she said. “Thereis literally no way to come back from this unless I drop to my knees rightnow.” Her eyes grew huge. “Which I’m not going to do. Because I don’t even knowyou. I don’t blow strangers in bathrooms. I swear. I’m not that kind of girl. Unlessthat’s something you…nope. Pretend I didn’t offer to do that. Oh my God pleasesay something so I can stop talking!” She put her hand on her forehead.
And that’s when I noticed the engagement and wedding rings onher freaking ring finger. “You’re married?” I said. What in the hell washappening right now?
“No! I mean, yes. God.” She threw her hands up. “I’mseparated from my asshole soon-to-be ex-husband. This is the first first-dateI’ve been on since college. I’m a little out of practice. And a lot a bit of a walkingdisaster, okay? Happy?”
There was a knock on the door. “Is everything okay in there?”said a male voice. The door started to open and Ash threw her half naked selfagainst it, blocking whoever was on the other side from coming in.
“I need some privacy!” she yelled.
“Are you okay, miss? I heard yelling…”
“Diarrhea!” she shouted and then cringed as she looked at me.“You better stay away for your own sake!”
“Um. Okay. If you need anything…”
“No, we’re good! I mean, I’m good. Because I’m all alone inhere.”
“Alrighty then,” said the person on the other side of thedoor.
“I’m definitely going to prison,” she mumbled. “Do you thinkthey have cameras in here?”
No. “I’m sorry, can we circle back real quick to whatwas happening before you yelled diarrhea at a complete stranger?”
She pressed her lips together.
“So you’re getting divorced soon?”
“The lawyers are working on it. We no longer live together. Andwe definitely no longer speak. Trust me, if I could speed the
