Fuck. I hadn’t meant to upset her.
She was blinking fast like she was about to cry. I’d noticedher doing that more and more recently. Like there was something in her lifethat was making her unhappy. She was hiding something. And her secrets drew mecloser. It was one of the reasons why I’d agreed to meet with her like this. Iwanted her to let me in. Even though I wasn’t the person she should be openingup to.
She blinked faster and all I wanted to do was pull her intomy arms. And kiss away the tears before they had a chance to fall. I tookanother step back from her.
She hugged herself even tighter and forced a smile onto herface. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. It’s okay if you want to go. I have alittle work I need to finish up anyway.”
I just stared at her. Because I didn’t really want to leave.
“But I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” she added.
I pressed my lips together. It was a bad idea. My breathinghad finally evened out, but I still felt shaky. The last thing I needed was forPenny to see me like this. But I found myself nodding. “Okay.”
“Okay you’ll stay?”
“Yeah. I’m going to need another drink though.”
“Do you want something to eat too? Ellen made a deliciouschicken casserole for dinner last night and we have some leftovers.”
Her housekeeper, Ellen, was a great cook. And the thought ofa home-cooked meal made my stomach growl. I nodded.
“Great. Go sit down and I’ll warm some up for you and grabyou another drink.” She turned her back to me.
I retreated to the living room. Not just because I needed aminute to calm down. But it seemed like she needed a minute to compose herself too.I sat down on the couch. I was still in my sweatpants and t-shirt frompractice. I’m pretty sure I smelled from running sprints with the team. And Iprobably looked like death after thinking I saw the dead walking along the busystreets of Manhattan.
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on top of my knees, as Istared at pictures of Penny’s happy family on the wall. There were several framedpictures from James and Penny’s wedding day. I was standing right next to Jameswith a huge smile on my face. A fake one. But I wasn’t sure anyone could tell.
It should have been me.
I looked down at my hands. I wasn’t a homewrecker. I wasn’tactually here to sleep with Penny, despite my wandering thoughts. The onlyreason she’d invited me over was because she’d offered to help me with onlinedating. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t date. Ever. But I couldn’t pass upspending more time with Penny. We rarely ever hung out one on one. And here shewas, offering. She’d even said she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Our littlesecret project. One I figured I could drag out for as long as I wanted. Becausewe didn’t have the same end goal.
Penny pictured me having a life like her and James. Happilymarried with two kids.
But I didn’t want that. I would never get married. And I’dnever have kids. I’d given up on that dream when I buried the love of my life.
“Here you go,” Penny said, setting down my glass and a platepiled high with steaming deliciousness.
“Thanks, Penny.” I grabbed the plate of food instead ofdowning another glass of scotch. I practically sighed around my first bite. Definitelybetter than takeout.
“I thought you were coming from work?” Penny asked.
“I did.”
She stared at my sweatpants but didn’t say anything elseabout it. “So, bad day at the office?”
I shrugged. “Something like that.”
She sat down next to me and pulled her legs up beneath her onthe couch. “I was really excited about tonight. Honestly, I’ve been lookingforward to it for months. And when you finally didn’t ditch me, I figured itmeant you were excited too. But we don’t have to set up a dating profile foryou tonight. We can just talk.”
I really would prefer just talking to her. “How are youdoing?” I asked. She’d been through a lot. We’d almost lost her. We’d almostlost her baby boy, Liam. And I could see it in her eyes. She was still holding onto something there. And I think maybe when we almost lost her, it reminded meof losing Brooklyn. Maybe that’s why I kept feeling like I saw Brooklyn on thestreets. Like my past was somehow swirling with my present.
“I’m good.” She laughed and pretended like she meant it. “Ikind of thought we’d talk about why you’re upset today.” She leaned backon the couch, resting her head in her hand. “Or why you keep postponing tryingto find your soulmate.”
Soulmate. The word sounded bitter instead of hopeful. Itook another bite of casserole to stall. Because talking led to the truth. Iwasn’t going to talk to her about Brooklyn. One of the reasons I liked hangingout with Penny was because she didn’t know about my past. “No, let’s go aheadand set up this dating profile you’re so obsessed with.” Besides, actuallygoing through with this was the best pretense I had to keep coming back hereand hanging out with her.
“Really?” A huge, crazy smile spread across her face. Fine,she didn’t really look crazy. She was always beautiful. And I could easilyimagine pushing her back on the couch. My fingers tangled in her hair. Thatblush on her cheeks just for me. I’d kiss that smirk right off her perfectface. And I wouldn’t need to go on some stupid dating app and play pretend. Iknew for a fact that I’d never find someone. But it wouldn’t be half bad havingPenny to keep my bed warm.
I hated that I wanted that. But I couldn’t deny it was true. Shereminded me so much of Brooklyn. She was sweet and kind and hopeful, despiteeverything she’d been through. Her laugh filled a room in the same wayBrooklyn’s had. Her voice even sounded similar. I wasn’t sure if it was aslight Delawarean accent or what. But when she spoke, I
