“Maybe your second date will be better,” Mason said.
Oh God. Was he seriously insinuating that Ash and Iwere meant to be, just like him and Bee? He couldn’t be more wrong. Bee was asane person.
“So let me get this straight,” Rob said. “This girl accidentallytried to set fire to your cock?” He put accidentally in air quotes. “What thehell happened before that? I feel like there had to be a reason.”
I shrugged. “She showed up super late in a sweaty sweatshirt.Then was embarrassed about her outfit and started stripping in the bathroom…”
“And why do you know she was stripping in the bathroom?”Penny asked.
“Because she was taking forever so I followed her in.”
“Of course,” she said, resting her chin in her hand. “Pleasecontinue.”
“She was drying the sweat off her sweatshirt with the handdryer.” I held up my hand. “It’s not important. I would have freaking walkedout right then. But she dropped the bomb that she was going through a divorcewith…Cupcake.”
“Cupcake?” Rob said. “No flipping way.”
“Who’s Cupcake?” Penny asked.
“This dick we went to high school with,” I said. “Anyway, Ifelt bad about how the date started out and the fact that she’d been married tothat idiot, so I decided not to walk out. And we were having an okay discussionuntil she figured out who I was. She was super interested in the two of you.” Igestured toward Penny and James. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she was stalkingyou guys.”
Penny laughed. “Yeah right. So your date set you on firebecause of me and James?”
“It was an accident.” I think.
“Mhm. What happened right before she set you on fire?”
“I was telling her about…” I cleared my throat. “Past relationships.”I’d almost let it slip. I’d almost just talked about Brooklyn. My stomachchurned. And suddenly I felt like I was going to be sick.
“So you’re letting Penny set you up on dates now?” Rob asked.“Why? I just offered to be your wingman again.”
I waited for Penny to blab to everyone that I was on a datingapp. Or James. Or Tyler, because apparently he knew too. But everyone stayedeerily quiet. “It was a one-time thing,” I said. “And I’m never doing itagain.”
The smile on Penny’s face faded.
“I actually have a meeting,” I said. “Have fun watching the restof the game.” I turned away before any of them could ask me to stay.
“Matt!” Penny called after me.
But I was already out the door. I was done with that stupiddating app. And I was done pretending I even wanted to date.
Chapter 19
Sunday
There was one more thing I did when I missed Brooklyn. Onlywhen I missed her so badly that it hurt. At my lowest moments. And I hit thoselows more often than I wished to admit.
“Hey,” I said into the cool night air. I blinked fast, thegravestone in front of me blurring slightly.
The flowers I’d brought by last time were dried and browned. Icleared them away before sitting down. I leaned my back against her tombstoneand closed my eyes. Sometimes in the middle of this graveyard on a night likethis, you could barely hear the city traffic. And it was like I could feel herin the silence. Like she was still here. She haunted me the most in thesilence.
“I had a bad day,” I said out loud and opened my eyes again. Iran my fingers along the grass that had been recently mowed. One of the worstthings about those early days after I lost her was the grass on top of hergrave, slowly growing in until it looked like she’d been buried here forever. Ihated that fucking grass.
There were a million things I wanted to say to her. And thefact that she’d never hear them killed me every day.
“Is it just me, or does the fall really fucking suck?” I ranthe back of my hand under my nose.
Silence.
“I thought I saw you the other day. I almost got in a caraccident because I got so distracted. I don’t know what I was thinkingactually. You’re gone and I’m just…stuck.”
Silence.
“It’s hard to breathe when I think I see you in the city.”
Silence.
“I feel like I’m drowning.” Brooklyn had said that to meonce. I’d added to that feeling for her. I’d never been enough. She’d deservedmore than me. I’d let her down. Or else she’d still be here with me.
The silence was tearing me in two.
“What am I supposed to do, Brooklyn?”
Fucking silence.
“I’m worried that you’d hate what I’ve become. I think I hatewhat I’ve become.”
I sniffed.
“This wasn’t supposed to be how my life turned out. You weresupposed to be here. You were supposed to be here with me, making me feel likeI wasn’t drowning.”
I looked down at the grass. I felt like an idiot. Talking to thesilence. But it was impossible not to talk to her when I came here.
“I tried drinking chamomile tea. I don’t even remember whatit was for. But it clearly didn’t work because I’m here.”
Silence.
“Your dad texted me again.” I slowly exhaled. “I can’t forgivehim for what he did to you. You’d probably want me to, right? You were allabout second chances. And thirds. Your heart was so big.”
I stared off into the distance. “I’m going to make him pay,Brooklyn. I’m going to destroy him.” I should have tried to get him put awayyears ago. I owed it to her. And instead I’d just been…screwing around. Tryingnot to drown.
“I just miss you so much.”
The silence was going to kill me, I knew it.
I knew why I was here though. It wasn’t to talk about missingher, or to talk about how her dad was a dick. She knew all that. I was herebecause I felt like I needed to make a confession. And I’d feel better once Igot it out. Please let me feel better. “Penny set me up on a dating app.”
Silence.
I looked toward the spot where I was pretty sure I’d buriedher engagement ring. “I wanted a family with you. It’s all I wanted.
